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Ripping Yellow Pages in half ‘getting easier’

yellow-pages

The art of ripping a Yellow Pages is a lot easier now that it was back in the 80s, according to experts.

Back in the day, only big strapping lads could rip the directory in half but these days, it’s common to see young children casually successfully completing the feat without breaking a sweat.

Dave Gunt of the Welsh Strongman Group said:

“It’s all getting a bit embarrassing these days. Back when I was a lad, we’d be in awe of big lads ripping a Yellow Pages in half. Of course, there was a knack to it which made it a lot easier but there was still a lot of strength needed to do it. I was down the nursery picking up my kid yesterday and all the kids were doing it for a laugh. There were torn up Yellow Pages directories all over the place.”

89% of Yellow Pages are now used to prop doors open, according to some poll we ran in the WalesOnCraic office.

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Cornish man invades Merthyr Trago Mills and claims it as sovereign territory

trago-mills

Self-proclaimed Prince of Kernow, Aberdias Trout of Pembworthy near Bude, invaded Merthyr’s newest and largest jumble sale in a pasty and cider fueled rage last night, claiming the white towers to be part of his homeland.

Local residents said he scaled the giant walls waving a giant pasty screaming, ‘Ger ov moy larnd’.

Local police inadvertently added fuel to his fire by offering him a corned beef pasty while trying to coax him down. Mr Trout offered, ‘to lift their tails’ in response.

WalesOnCraic asked the International Pasty Council for comment but they were all on break.

The situation remains volatile.

Image: Lewis Clarke licensed for reuse under the Creative Commons Licence.

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Weather Latest: Weather to get slightly warmer and then slightly colder again

The UK’s weather is set to get slightly warmer before getting slightly colder again, according to clever expert people.

The weather is currently at the ‘quite cold’ stage but is set to rise to ‘quite warm’ before dropping to ‘a little bit cold’ again.

Welsh weather expert Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been watching these charts with interest over the last few days and the reason we have quite cold weather at the moment is because we have quite cold air around. We are expecting some slightly warmer air to move into the UK over the next day or so, bringing with it some pissy rain. After that, some quite cold air moves back in which means that things will feel quite cold. We can expect people to moan slightly about how cold it is and some people will want to wear extra layers and rub their hands together dramatically.”

Another expert said:

“I was quite cold in bed last night but I’m hoping to be warmer tonight. I’ve added an extra blanket, which I can remove if I’m too hot.”





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Remainers would like ‘continuous referendums until they get the result they want’

brexshit

Those in favour of remaining in the EU have told WalesOnCraic that they’d like continuous referendums until they get the result they want.

The claims come as prominent Brexiteer James Dyson packs up his hoovers and fucks off to Singapore.

A spokesman for the We’d Rather Stay In The EU Thanks Think Tank Group Society told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got Rees-Mogg on a one-man mission to take us out of Europe and his bunch of cronies arguing that we Britain can stand alone because we won a war over 60 years ago. What they forget is that we won because of the help of 15 or 16 other countries. What we’re saying is that we’d like to have a second referendum and if we don’t get the result that we want, we’ll keep on having them until we do. It’s not fair that we should only rely on the result of one referendum.”

Critics of the critics say that they can’t remember what they voted for in the first place now.

“Bendy bananas and blue passports wasn’t it?”





Image: Athol Mullen

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Cold weather ‘set to last until it gets warmer’

cold-as-fuck

The current cold snap affecting the UK is set to last until we get some warm weather, according to experts.

Temperatures across Britain have plummeted to 0 degrees, prompting people to comment on how cold it is.

Head Meteorologist Brian McCloud told WalesOnCraic:

“This cold weather has come along and made us all feel very cold. Personally, I blame this Tory government who just keep on slashing away at things – in this case – the temperatures. I can only see this cold snap lasting until some warmer weather comes along. That’s just my opinion of course, not that it counts for much. I’m actually looking for a new job if you know of anything going. I’m good with my hands but can’t do anything that includes heights because I go all giddy and piss my pants.”

Tonight’s forecast – dark until morning when light will spread to most parts.





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Cinema charged with daylight robbery

A cinema in South Wales has officially been charged with daylight robbery.

The latest victim of the cinema in Bridgend was a mum-of-four who was robbed of £180 after taking her kids to watch Aquaman.

Mum Geri Widethighs told WalesOnCraic:

“I wanted to take the kids to watch Aquaman because I wanted them to appreciate the wonderful acting skills of Jason Momoa. The way he moves his thunderous thighs and flicks that hair like he’s in some kind of Timotei advert – the kids need to appreciate this. What I wasn’t expecting was to be fleeced of £180. We only paid for the tickets and a bucket of popcorn. I’m glad I didn’t let the kids go for the Pic’N’Mix, otherwise I would have had to sell the car.”

Cinema manager Chris SquareEyes, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:

“We will be fighting this all the way through the courts. We are entitled to charge what we like for whatever we want. We aren’t subject to any laws and we have our own overheads to cover. So stick it where the sun don’t shine and I don’t mean North Wales.”