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OAP pays for weekly shopping with exact change

An OAP from Ferndale has paid for her weekly shopping with exact change.

Ethel LeatherArse paid £76.54 in 10 pence, 2 pence and one pence coins.

Till worker Wendy Shufflegunt told WalesOnCraic:

“Every week she comes in to do her weekly shop. And every week, she insists on paying in exact change. Her purse was bulging and it took me 45 to count out all the coins. It then took her a further 15 minutes to pack all her shopping into her bags. The queue behind her was out the door and down the street. Thankfully now, we are able to offer future customers change from a £20 note if they need it. This isn’t something new. Ethel does this every week and we always pull straws to see who’s going to be on the till when she comes in.”

Ethel said:

“I likes to pay the exact money so that I don’t have to go carrying heavy change around with me.”

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Children take sweets from strangers after being told not to for rest of year

Children across Wales will be taking sweets from strangers tonight after being told not to for the rest of the year.

Kids will be seen knocking on strangers doors, threatening them with eggs and flour and asking for free stuff.

Mum-of-four Jenny Slackflaps told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m very strict with the kids all year round. Every day before they leave for school, I tell them not to take sweets from strangers. I’m struggling to be able to tell them to do that today as I’ve promised them that we’ll be doing that exact thing later on tonight. I’m so excited. I like getting my massive pumpkins out in the window for all the neighbours to see and then later on, my friend Peter is coming around to take some apples out of my bucket with his teeth. I’m sending the kids around the streets to threaten my neighbours and asking them for free stuff. We usually get a shitload of sweets for free which is nice because I take it off the kids and stuff my face with it when I’m watching Strictly.”

Halloween is traditionally an American pastime where people dress up as any old shit.

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Millions wake up wondering whether their phone clock has automatically gone back

Millions of people across Wales are today waking up and looking at their phones wondering if they have automatically adjusted their clocks back an hour.

British Summer Time traditionally ends towards the end of October, meaning that clocks are put back by a whole hour.

“I’ve got no fricking idea what time it is,” said Gordon Grumble, a shift worker from Llandudno. “I knocked off work at 2am but by the time I got in the car, it was 1am. What happened there? I’m not Dr Fricking Who.”

Mothers across Wales are also cursing the change of time. Mum-of-five Gail FloppyBelly said:

“I got a little bastard who won’t sleep so I’ve got an extra hour or listening to him. Life really is unfair.”

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Royal baby to be named ‘Legoland Windsor’

Buckingham Palace has announced that the Royal baby is to be named Legoland Windsor.

The news came as the Royal couple announced news that Meghan would be blasting one out her front bum next year.

A Royal spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Harry and Meghan have been struggling for days to think up a name. They were originally toying with the idea of Troy Windsor for a boy and Barbara Windsor for a girl but they decided that they wanted something with more urban appeal. They decided, in the end, to stick to Legoland Windsor be because that way, the Royal baby would be signposted on the M4.”

The new baby will be fith in line to the throne, behind his or her grandfather Prince Charles, father Prince William and brother Prince George. Probably. Can’t be arsed to check.

Royal fan Brenda FatAnkles told WalesOnCraic:

“Me and my butty are driving up to London now to see if we can get a view of the new baby coming out of hospital. I’ve bought myself a periscope so I can see over people’s heads – there are no flies on me sunshine.”

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Demand outstrips supply for Hinkley Mud Mask Treatment

Since its launch just a few weeks ago, demand has been rising for Dai Yadick’s Hinkley Mud Mask treatment.

Available from all good car-boots, market stalls and eBay, the patented Mud Mask has proved popular with celebrities, rugby players and many Valley Umpa Lumpas.

A top-secret combination of essential and non-essential heavy metals, coupled with a dash of non-specific radioactive nucleotides, and a splash of anaerobic poo bacteria ensure that the brand’s promise, ‘Your skin will never feel the same again’ holds true for everyone.

There’s no shortage of feedback on the product, exclusively made in a former car wash in Grangetown:

“My skin was visibly glowing after use,” said Wilma Poreshrink, of Penarth. “Within a few days, facial hair was a thing of the past,” reported an online product reviewer. Others have reported the product’s auxiliary benefits – “since using the product, I’ve completely lost my appetite. I’m shedding pounds like nobodies business. As soon as you apply it, you can feel it tingling, almost burning, it’s that bloody good.”

The production plant in Grangetown has had some teething problems, with an unexpectedly high staff turnover rate, and outbreaks of sickness, which Dai puts down to winter flu.

Dai hopes to be able to upscale production soon – and with the amount of mud being deposited just off Cardiff, there’s no shortage of raw material. As Dai said:

”I’m digging it out faster than their dumping it. It’s so easy to find as it glows in the dark – and if you get it whilst it’s still warm, the effects are even more dramatic”.

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Woman finds scarf that fits her after 10 years

A woman from Caerphilly has found a scarf that she used to own 10 years ago – and it still fits her!

Sandra Hairyhedge found the scarf along with jeans and t-shirts that were 3 sizes too small for her.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been going through my cupboard sorting out some shit when I came across a load of old clothes. I tried on some of my old jeans but I couldn’t even get them past my knees. Then I tried on some of my old T-shirts but I couldn’t even get them over my head. I was about to cry when I found my old scarf. I tried it on and it fitted perfectly! I couldn’t believe my eyes! I called my husband in to have a look but he just looked at me stupid and walked back out again. But to me, knowing that I can wear something I used to wear ten years ago has really made my day. I’m chucking the rest of my shit out but I’m deffo keeping this!”

Sandra is hoping to wear the scarf on a works night out next week.

“Everyone will be like ‘Oh my God! I remember you in that scarf – and it still fits!'” said Sandra.

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Met Office issues Wheelie Bin warning for Wales

The Met Office has issued an amber warning of wind and has advised the people of Wales to secure their wheelie bins.

Storm Callum has the potential to damage to patio chairs and small plant pots, as well as blowing over empty wheelie bins.

A spokeswoman from the Met Office said:

“Storm Callum will be lumbering into Wales just after Coronation Street. Winds are likely to get quite stiff (oo-er missis) and we do expect some property to get damaged. We are advising all residents of Wales to make sure that their wheelie bins are fastened down. We had some people ignore this advice last time we had a storm and some people found that their wheelie bins had moved during the storm. We even had one dickhead who found his wheelie bin on the roof of his house but we suspect that he put that there so he could get into the local newspapers.”

Winds are expected to get quite windy overnight Monday. That’s a technical term by the way.

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Man wipes arse with Parking Eye notice reminder

A man from Cardiff has wiped his arsehole with a letter from Parking Eye.

Terry Wondermuff received the letter from the company after accidentally parking in an erogenous zone.

Terry told WalesOnCraic:

“I had no idea I’d parked in the wrong place. I only popped in to pick up some medication for my elderly mother and within 3 days, these people had sent me a letter demanding I pay them some money. I ignored it so they sent me a letter asking for more money. I thought I’d phone them to tell them to bugger off but then I realised that there was no telephone number to call. So I ignored them some more. Needless to say, another letter came a few days later, asking for more money. So I thought I’d write to them. But then I realised that they didn’t have an address. In the end, I wiped my arse with the notice reminder and invited the local press to come around and publish my story.”

Mr Wondermuff’s fine is still outstanding.

“It’s up to £34,034 at the moment. I’m hoping to set up a crowdfunding thing, whatever that is.”

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Brexit’s end to freedom of movement could cause a problem for Santa

The end of the EU’s Freedom of Movement could cause chaos this year for millions of kids.

Santa, a resident of Lapland, could face a restriction of movement thanks to Brexit.

A spokesman for the government said:

“I honestly didn’t think of this when I voted for Brexit but now that we’re starting to realise what we actually voted for, it’s come as a bit of a shock. An end to the current Freedom of Movement policy would mean that Santa would not be able to just fly in and out in one night as he has done for decades. He’d need to apply for a visa, wait several months for one of our chaps to get back to him, and then he’d be told that his application was lost and that he’d have to start again. I think he’ll have to start getting parents to actually buy the toys instead and say that they’re from him. That’s all I can think of at the moment.”

Santa was unimpressed and told WalesOnCraic:

“What a crock of shit that’ll be.”

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PROVEN: Excessive masturbating makes you bald

Welsh scientists have proven a link between excessive masturbating and baldness.

One professor has found that people who masturbate more than three times a day are 70% more likely to go bald.

Professor Brian Boggleyes told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve always suspected a link between excessive masturbating and baldness and we thought we’d address this once and for all. I myself was the subject of this study and for 20 years, I masturbated at least three times a day. After 20 years, I discovered that I had indeed made myself bald. I put everything down on paper and published it at a local university. I’m sure my findings will come as a great interest to some people but probably not.”

Professor Boggleyes’ next project will be looking at the link between eating shit food and being fat.