Cardiff’s Accident & Emergency Department is under severe pressure tonight after an influx of chariots in rectums.
Doctors have warned that England fans may need to wait to have their chariots surgically removed from their arseholes.
Dr StickyFingers said:
“We are warning England fans that there could be a bit of a wait if they are wanting chariots removed from rectums. Obviously, the boys in white have been the dominant force these last few years but we’ve got a horrible feeling that we could be in trouble tonight. My best friend Billy had a chariot up his arse for three days after our last defeat and he couldn’t sit down until it was taken out.”
England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:
“The last time one had a chariot in one’s rectum was in 2015 when one was watching the World Cup. I had to wait five days to have it removed and couldn’t walk for a week afterwards.”
Friday night commuters are currently experiencing delays on the M4 after an English chariot broke down outside of Cardiff.
Recovery services were called to the scene but walked away chuckling heartily.
Commuter Bob Slackflaps told WalesOnCraic:
“I just want to get home and watch Coronation Street. I’ve had a long week and the last thing I want to do is sit here in my car listening to Radio bloody Wales. These English types come over here with their souped up chariots and they’re not used to our way of life. Them chariots aren’t designed for motorway traffic and this one that’s broken down has done my head right in. I saw the recovery lorry turn up but the lads took one look at it and got back into their lorry, laughing.”
Traffic police have said that they will offer to help the stranded chariot drivers, depending on the result tomorrow.
Image: Faris Knight
Newport’s famous Brynglas Tunnels are to close ahead of the England squad’s arrival.
Highway officials say that they made the decision as a ‘bit of a laugh’. It means the bus would have to take a ‘traumatising’ 17-hour detour through the tropical town of Newport.
A spokeswoman said:
“We found out last night that the England squad are leaving it late to come to Wales. They’re setting off in rush hour so we thought we’d be a bit naughty and shut the Brynglas Tunnels just before they arrive. That means that they’ll be re-routed through Newport, where they can take in the majestic scenery and tropical wildlife. It also means that they won’t get to their hotel until very late, which will obviously help our lads when it comes to the match tomorrow.”
A spokesman for Rugby England said:
“What is this Newport of which one speaks? Is it like our Henley-On-Thames? Can one get a cucumber sandwich when one is there? This all sounds jolly exciting and one looks forward to it. Tally ho.”
The tunnels will reopen as soon as the England bus starts its detour.
Image: Norman Hyett
Any crappy fog hanging around will lift during the morning, leaving us all with shitloads of hazy sunshine. Finally feeling springlike for one. Maximum temperature 17°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer Honey’s been dusting down his barbeque in advance of the warmer weather. Some of the friends down on the farm are feeling a little nervous.
The recently removed Severn Bridge tolls will be reintroduced this weekend.
Highway officials said the only reason they were being reinstalled was to annoy English rugby fans.
Stan Slipper of the Highways Committee (Bridge Department) told WalesOnCraic:
“When we took the bridge tolls away at the beginning of the year, we were going to take them down the local skip. But one of the girls had a good idea to reinstall them when the English fans came over for the game. We thought we could make a bit of money to spend on our Christmas party this year seeing as we’re unlikely to get one. We’ll charge £10 for cars, £30 for buses and £50 for chariots. We’re going to put them on both sides of the motorway so that they have to pay to get in and pay to get out. That way, we can double our money.”
Tarquin Smythe-Peacock of the England Rugger Lads Fan Club said:
“I think one will take the train this weekend. Having said that, one will be sat with all the riff raff if one does that.”
A pop-up Chariot Repair shop has opened in Cardiff ahead of the crunch Six Nations game on Saturday,
Thousands of England supporters are expected to attend the game, and city officials are concerned that thousands of chariots without wheels will cause gridlock in Cardiff.
Shop manager Gordon Skidgrits told WalesOnCraic:
“We are anticipating thousands of English toffs to descend on the city this Saturday. God knows where they are going to park them all but we are very worried that once Wales put them to the sword, we’re going to end up with chariot wheels all over the place. The aim of the shop is to get them fixed and on their way as soon as possible.”
Posh English fan Tarquin Smyth-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:
“Anyone for a cucumber sandwich?”
Passengers on beleaguered Welsh train services have been told to ‘lose weight’ to help ease the problem of overcrowding.
Tina LargeCalves of the Welsh Rail Transport Union suggested that large passengers are to blame for the overcrowding problem.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“You see them all staggering up the stairs onto the platform, mouths full of chips and a hamburger in the other. They then get onto our trains and expect us to have room for them. I suggest that our trains are capable of transporting the allocated number of passengers on its licence. However, when all these passengers are lazy lardarses, one cannot expect to fit them all in. I blame the government for this problem. They’re always saying that we should travel more by public transport yet we are not equipped to shuttle round a load of fatties.”
One commuter said:
“I don’t even have time for breakfast in my house so I don’t know what this woman is talking about. While it is true that there are some smelly people on the trains in the mornings, this is not because they’re overweight. It’s just they haven’t washed before coming to work. Coming home is even worse.”
Image: Oran Viriyincy used under Common Creative Licence
VHS has finally made it to Fochriw.
The arrival of the consumer-level analogue video recording equipment is expected to see the arrival of video rental stores such as Blockbusters.
Resident Gladys Jones told WalesOnCraic:
“I’m so excited. I’ve heard about this and it means that I can now tape Songs of Praise on a Sunday night and actually watch it on a Monday morning when I’m not so pissed. My mate Mary said that she knows a man who can do pirate videos but I’m not really into pirates although I’d let Jack Sparrow sit on my face. Not when I’m watching Songs of Praise though.”
Shop owner Terry Dactyl said:
“I’m going to open my own video hire section of the shop and I’ll keep all the filthy stuff under my counter. When all the perverts come in, I’ll offer them a nice selection of titles. I’ll even throw in a bag of popcorn. All under one roof here at Terry’s Corner Shop.”
Image: Evan Amos
The bar scene in a modern Star Wars film was inspired by a visit to a pub in Newport, it has been claimed.
Maz Kanata’s ‘watering hole’ is featured in the highly-acclaimed Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The scene was a nod to the original bar scene on Tatooine in Star Wars: A New Hope, which in turn was inspired by George Lucas’s visit to Newport in the 1960s, says WalesOnCraic’s showbiz reporter, Brenda Widethighs.
Lucas told WalesOnCraic:
“I can’t remember much about Newport because I was totally stoned the entire time I was there. I needed to be because I was afraid of the women and the sheep. I do remember one pub in particular though – I was feeling anxious because it was coming up to closing time and someone stuck on a slow song. Every woman in the building grabbed a fella and shoved her tongue down his throat. I think they were women, I couldn’t be sure. Anyway, I ran away. A few years later, I was writing Star Wars and I thought I’d feature a similar set in the film. That’s why the film is called A New Hope, because I was staying in a place in Flintshire called Hope. God knows how I got back there after that night out.”
Some fans have poured scorn on the claim, saying that ‘it’s a load of bollocks’.
A need insecure psychopath has romantically and publicly asked a woman to be his.
Brandon Dirtygrits followed up his public romantic gesture by giving her an offer she couldn’t refuse – that he needs her.
The woman, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:
“I was out buying some bleach up at Kwik Save when this smelly weirdo came lurking around Aisle 6. Every aisle I went to, he popped up. It was like he was following me. After a while, I bent down to pick up some sponge scourers when I heard a voice behind me. I looked up and it was this guy. He smelt of chicken soup. Before I knew it, he was down on one knee, asking if I’d be his. I didn’t want to be his so I told him to piss off. He then said that he needed me and that made all the difference. We’re now getting married in the morning.”
Store manager Jeff Arsehole said:
“We always love it when people propose in our store. It’s never happened before mind. I have to go now as we’ve got a delivery of kitchen rolls that need getting out on the shelves.”