Category: Sport

Welsh lad Geraint Thomas is set to become a f*cking legend after setting himself up to win the Tour De France.

Geraint with a G will be granted freedom to ride his bike through red lights throughout Wales when he wins tomorrow.

A spokesman for the Tour told WalesOnCraic:

“Tradition dictates that no one overtakes the leader in the final stage of the race, which means that Geraint simply has to finish the race to win. He’s been going like shit off a shovel these last few weeks and the lad looks set to become a f*cking legend. When he gets back to Cardiff, he will be granted the freedom of the city, which means that he can ride his bike anywhere without restriction. He won’t need to ring his bell and people will be expected to move out of his way because he’ll be a f*cking legend.”

The Tour de France is the most famous of bike races and is set in France.

England coach Eddie Jones is considering taking up a position of sales assistant in Merthyr.

It follows England’s winning streak turning to shit and losing their fifth game in a row.

A spokesman for Mr Eddie told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s finding things tough at the moment. Obviously maintaining a winning run is a hard thing to do but it all seems to be going tits up at the moment. Eddie has spotted a job going at the local Trago Mills store in Merthyr and knowing Eddie, it’s a job he’d take on and turn into a winning position. For a while anyway. He’s had enough of the media getting on his back and he just wants a job where he can turn up, do his work and go home. He’s had enough of being in South Africa and fancies a bit of valleys life.”

A spokesman for Trago Mills said:

“We’ll take a look at his CV yeah but we’ve got the job lined up for Jordanna who currently works in the warehouse. We’ll see.”

Wales has said that it’s to boycott this year’s World Cup in Russia in response to recent sanctions imposed by the Kremlin.

Welsh football players have been told to take the summer off and to do something nice instead, like going to Butlins.

A spokesman said:

“We take a very stern view of what the Russians have been up to these last few years, and especially so over the last few months. We had a meeting down the pub with the lads and we’ve decided to withdraw the Welsh team from this year’s World Cup, which of course, takes place in Russia. We don’t want to look as though we are supporting a country that bullies the rest of the world with its underhand tactics. We’ve told the boys to take some time off and get some rest instead.”

Russian football officials were baffled by the fax sent from the Welsh squad.

“What is this shit?” said one official.

BBC sports pundit John Inverdale is reported to be ‘moist’ at the thought of talking about England for six weeks, during the Six Nations tournament.

The dashingly handsome broadcaster says he is looking forward to talking about England, even when other teams are playing.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“This year’s tournament kicks off with Wales V Scotland, which is always a great, physical game, especially when England play. Wales will find things tough this year because World Cup winners England are in magnificent form. France and Ireland are the next teams to lock horns on the opening day which is good news for England because they can have a bit more of a rest before taking on Italy in Rome. Of course, England simply need to turn up to win that game, what with the Italians being all rubbish and that. England will naturally be the team to beat this year because they won the World Cup in 2003. Not sure if that means that they get pointy flags in the corners but it’s well worth mentioning, especially when the boring non-English games are on.”

A spokeswoman for the broadcaster said:

“I don’t know why you keep saying that John talks about England all the time. He is a seasoned professional who tries to give everyone a fair representation when comparing them to England. England. England. England.”

New Wales manager Ryan Giggs is expected to miss Monday’s press conference after pulling out with an injury.

Giggs’ injury has been described as ‘non-specific’ and will rule him out of the next few Welsh games.

A spokesman said:

“It’s very unfortunate that Ryan has hurt himself in this way. We aren’t exactly sure what his injury is but it’s bad enough to rule him out of all the Welsh games for the next few months. He will however, be available for all other types of sporting duties at club level.”

Giggs is expected to be named the new manager of Wales after Chris Coleman ran out of chewing gum. Fans are said to be happy with Coleman’s replacement but there are concerns that Giggs’ chest hair may distract Welsh players in training.

One Welsh fan said:

“Yeah, it’s lush innit like? I looks forward to the next game. I just hope Giggsy is available to be there.”

Chris Coleman’s chewing gum is to go on public display in the Welsh capital after he moves to Sunderland.

Coleman has been chewing the same piece of chewing gum since he took over as manager of Wales in 2012.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Chris’s chewing gum has very much been part of this journey of ours. Chris first popped the chewing gum in his mouth before was even interviewed for the post because he said that it calmed his nerves. He’s never taken it out. We’ve heard tonight that for reasons known only to himself, he’d rather leave our green and wonderful land for Sunderland. They must be offering him shitloads of money up there – who wouldn’t want to manage Wales? Either way, we’ll get to remember him through his chewing gum. The gum will go on display inside a glass cabinet somewhere very posh and we’ll charge lots of money for people to come and see it. How about that eh?”

Coleman is yet to comment on the chewing gum.

“I thought he’d take it with him to be honest,” said one fan.

3 million Welsh arses have started twitching ahead of the country’s crunch game with Ireland.

It is estimated that 3 million buttholes will be clenched tighter than neutron stars at 7.45pm tonight.

Wales fan Ianto ap Ianto told WalesOnCraic:

“My arse has been twitching since 7 o’clock this morning when I woke up. It’s been quivering all day to be honest. I haven’t been able to eat my breakfast, dinner or tea. I’ve been pacing about my house like a bear in a zoo. I haven’t been able to work, watch telly or even say hello to anyone. If the boys don’t do it tonight, you’ll find me down the pub for the next month.”

Wales could get through to the World Cup playoffs if they beat or draw with Irland and Greece beat Cyprus more than 17 goals and the moon is aligned with Venus and next door’s dog faceshags your mum’s dog and Slovakia lose all their games for the next year. Or something.

Wales super substitute Ben Woodburn has been shortlisted for World Player of the Year by Welsh football fans.

Woodburn scored a decisive goal against Austria as the Welsh team took another stride towards winning the football World Cup.

One fan said:

“When he came on, all Austrians laughed because he looked so young. But they’re not laughing anymore are they? We’ve all voted Ben for the World Player of the Year because of his amazing goal tonight. If he comes to our town, he can go in any pub he wants, he can take home any girl he wants – he can do whatever he fancies. He is a hero to us.”

World Player of the Year spokesman Mario ThingyBob said:

“Welsh fans have flooded our hotline to vote for Ben Woodburn, even though this is not our usual protocol. He seems a popular player in Wales right now.”

Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather have been officially asked to remove their sunglasses before tonight’s showdown.

Both fighters have said that they were hoping that the other would be gentlemanly and not twat a man in the face wearing glasses.

Conor McGregor said:

“I’m going to smash his face in to be sure, to be sure. I’m the best boxer in the world and if I want to wear sunglasses on my beautiful face, then I will. I’m going to hit him so hard that he’ll think he’s in next week. I’m going to deck him within 5 seconds and if I don’t, I’ll deck him within ten minutes. I’ve actually run out of cliches now so I’ll have to think up some more.”

Safety official said that fighters wearing sunglasses was not permitted by law.

“There’s a law against this somewhere. I’m pretty sure of it,” said a safety official.