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Duke of Edinburgh was ‘doing donuts’ in his Land Rover before accident

The Duke of Edinburgh was reportedly doing donuts in his Land Rover, shortly before he was involved in a road traffic accident.

The Duke was uninjured in the accident but he did reportedly swear at the emergency services.

One eye-witness said:

“There was this old geezer who came flying down the road at about 60mph. The next thing we know, he’s slamming on the handbrake and doing donuts all over the shop. He must have done at least 10 of them before he hit a car and went rolling off down the road. We went over to see him and he was fine. Then the ambulance turned up and he started shouting a bit.”

A spokeswoman for the Royal Family said:

“This is complete bollocks. The Duke would never do donuts in his Land Rover. He only does them in his Jag.”


Image: Northern Ireland Office

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Wylfa Power Station to be converted into children’s playground

wylfa

Owners of Wylfa Newydd have announced that the nuclear power station will be converted into a children’s playground.

It follows news that the highly-anticipated Hitachi deal went spectacularly tits up.

A spokesman said:

“Following the news today that Hitachi won’t be developing the site, we’ve decided to give back to the community and convert the site into a children’s playground. We’ve got a few slides and swings in a lock-up in Bangor that we’re going to use and we’d also like to bring back a Witch’s Hat. A few kids fell off them and broke their arms back in the 1980s but that’s ok. That’ll be nothing compared to the radiation.”

The new playground is expected to open in 2020 with Kanye West penciled in to cut the ribbon.


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Calls for Nigel Owens to be made the new Speaker of the House

Calls are being made to install Welsh referee Nigel Owens as the new Speaker of the House of Commons.

Owens’ take-no-shit approach would be well suited to bringing squabbling politicians to order, say supporters.

A spokesman for the Get-Our-Nigel-In-To-Sort-This-Shit-Out-Coalition told WalesOnCraic:

“Nige is the ideal candidate. He’s handsome, he’s authoritative and he’ll sort out those unruly MPs out in a matter of minutes. He’s not the sort to just stand there, shouting ‘Order’ and hoping that they’ll all listen. Oh no. Not Nige. Before they even start debating, he’ll call them all around in a huddle and lay down the Law Of Nigel. If anyone steps out of line, he’ll be there, stopping proceedings, taking them to one side and explaining to them in no uncertain terms that he’s not having it. He’s been doing it for years and if he can handle 30 burly rugby players all at once, he can definitely handle a group of scabby politicians.”

A spokeswoman for Parliament said:

“We have received a letter from supporters asking Mr Owens to be installed as Speaker. At the moment, we’re all down the pub wondering what to do next so once our heads have cleared, we’ll have a look at it.”


Image: Florian Christoph

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Theresa May ‘considering sales assistant position in Trago Mills’

The-lovely-Therea-May

Embattled Prime Minister Theresa May is reportedly considering taking up a position in Trago Mills.

May has indicated to close colleagues that she would rather sell discounted household sundries than continue struggling with Brexshit negotiations.

A spokesman for Downing Street told WalesOnCraic:

“I think she’s had a gutsful to be honest. She’s getting shat at from all angles and just wants a job that she can switch off from when she comes home. She’s aware of a few sales assistant roles that are coming up in the next few weeks so she’s told us to keep an eye out for them. Theresa has worked her bollocks off over the last few months to try and keep everyone happy but I think she’s come to the conclusion that she can’t. Selling a discounted mop and bucket set sounds like a dream job in her eyes and we’re all hoping that these positions are going to become available.”

May was voted down in tonight’s Brexshit vote, meaning that no one knows what the fuck to do next.

Image: Kuhlmann / MSC

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David Cameron ‘chillin’ in ‘beefa’ while Brexshit continues

cammo

Master of Chaos, David Cameron is reportedly relaxing in Ibiza while the shitstorm that is Brexit continues at home.

Cameron has been spotted with his trotters up and drinking a vodka and Fanta on an Ibizan beach.

An eye-witness told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m pretty sure it was him. He was asking one of the local barmaids where the nearest pig farm was and started talking about his days at Eton. He ordered a vodka and Tango and went and sat on the beach to relax. He’s been on his phone a lot so I’m sure he’s just keeping up with the fallout of the can of whoop-ass he opened. A little earlier, he’d been fishing but the only thing he caught was a shopping trolley that’d goe floating by.”

In Westminster meanwhile, MPs and other very important people are preparing to vote. One MP told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve got no idea what’s going on. I’m just going to go in there, put an X somewhere on the sheet and hope for the best.”

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Andy Murray gets job at JD Sports

Andy-Murray

Former tennis No.1 Andy Murray has landed himself a new job as a counter assistant at JD Sports.

The Scottish player starts his new job on Monday and will be able to offer customers expert advice on big white daps.

A spokeswoman for JD Sports said:

“We were very sorry to see Andy retiring. We loved it when he pumped his fists like Tiger Tim used to back in the day. As soon as we’d heard that he was out of the Australian tournament, we gave him a ring and offered him a position in our Scotland branch. We’ll pair him up with Kylie and we’ll get him till trained so that he can start serving customers as soon as he can. We know that Andy will be able to offer our customers the very best advice when it comes to large white trainers and sweatbands, which we sell a lot of in the first week in July.”

A spokesman for Mr Murrayd said:

“This is the first we’ve heard about it to be honest. We think someone somewhere’s telling a little porky.”


Image: johnwnguyen

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Noel Edmonds called in to sort out Brexit Deal or No Deal

Bearded TV celebrity Noel Edmonds has been called in to sort out the Government’s latest Brexit problems.

Ministers are hoping that his experience in securing deals for fucktwits can help their Brexit negotiations.

A spokesman for the Government in Westminster told WalesOnCraic:

“Noel brings a wealth of experience in getting things done – he was single-handedly responsible for Noel’s House Party back in the 90s and in later years, he has proved himself to be an expert in pacing around, dragging out any negotiations that could have been sorted in less than 5 minutes. We do hope that he’ll bring along Mr Blobby too – we could do with some light-hearted japes and a bit of bants around the place at the moment as we’re all a bit fed up of things to be honest.”

A spokesman for Mr Edmonds said:

“After Noel’s recent exploits in the jungle, we are sure that he can deftly deal with snakes and other such creatures that he’s likely to come across.”

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Public beg Robbie Williams to stop being a twat

robbie-Williams

Members of the public have begged Robbie Williams to stop being a twat.

The former Take That singer has been trying to piss off neighbour Jimmy Page in a dispute about a swimming pool.

A spokesperson for the Robbie Williams Non-Appreciation Society said:

“Our Society has been asking this for a long time but things seem to have come to a head in the last few days in a row about a swimming pool. Williams has taken to playing Black Sabbath at very loud volumes in an attempt to annoy Jimmy. We’d have thought that he’d be playing his own music if he’d wanted to piss anyone off. We are considering putting out a public appeal to Robbie himself so that he can stop being a twat once and for all.”

Williams is allegedly looking for new people to annoy over the next few months.

“If he carries on like this, we can only see our numbers growing,” said the spokesperson.


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Dog walker fined for ‘decorating’ trees with poo bags

A dog walker has been fined for slingshotting poo bags into local trees.

Danny Dispshit tried to explain away his littering as ‘decorating’ bare-looking trees.

Speaking from outside court, he told WalesOnCraic:

“It was coming up to Christmas and the trees had lost most of their leaves and were looking particularly bare. At the time, my dog Bessie had really bad guts and was shitting through the eye of a needle so I had plenty of full poo bags on me. With no bins around, I had the great idea of decorating the trees so I spent half an hour slingshotting the shit bags into the trees. I thought it looked really nice and festive but there’s always one moaner isn’t there? I was arrested on my way to Kwik Save because I was out of bread and needed some for my lunch.”

A spokeswoman for the police said:

“If arseholes like this think that they can come and hang dog shit from trees like this, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ve instructed our boys to twat anyone they see doing this, full in the face with a tazer.”

Dipshit was fined £15 and told to pick the shit up.


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Jacob Rees-Mogg has his penny farthing stolen

Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has had his prized penny farthing bicycle stolen.

The bike was taken from a Greggs outlet in Kensington.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“One doesn’t like this sort of thing to happy but unfortunately, that’s the situation that one is faced with today. Mr Rees-Mogg entered the Greggs establishment at around 15:00 hours today and upon returning to his bicycle, found that it had in fact, gone. The authorities were immediately informed and Mr Rees-Mogg is awaiting news this evening.”

A police spokeswoman said:

“We had a call this afternoon to say that one penny farthing had been taken from outside a Greggs. We are currently looking into the situation and would encourage anyone with a penny farthing bicycle to make sure that they lock them up whenever they go into Greggs.”