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North Korea nuclear strike on Newport would cause ‘untold improvements’

A leading scientist has told WalesOnCraic that a nuclear strike by North Korea on Newport would cause ‘significant improvements’.

Professor Jim FourEyes from the University of FackAll said that the cathedral city would be most to benefit from such a strike.

FourEyes told WalesOnCraic:

“Kim Jong Un would be doing Newport by dropping one of his new toys on Newport. A strike at the heart of the city would see untold improvements across Newport, maybe even reaching areas like St. Julians Marshfield. It’d be great to see the Brynglas Tunnels being vapourised – I often dream of seeing that and it’s great to see that the North Korean leader has our interests at heart.”

Kim Jong Un has also expressed an interest in flattening what’s left of Pensycnor Wildlife Park so that he can build a new golf complex on the site.

A spokesman said:

“There are areas of Wales that we would like to regenerate and dedicate to our glorious leader. We have earmarked several sites that could do with some redevelopment and our boys are currently building the weapons to do that. Once the sites have been cleared, we’ll be looking to bring local jobs to the local economy by rebuilding some lovely golf clubs, all dedicated to our leader and demi-god, Mr Jong Un. We’ll be selling T shirts and mugs, all at a very good price.”

A weapons expert has thrown doubt on the ability for North Korea to land a strike in South East Wales:

“Those boys in the police chopper do a very good job and if necessary, they’ll see off any intercontinental ballistic missile.”

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Samaritans bring in extra staff as Cardiff hosts Coldplay

The Samaritans have brought in extra staff to deal with fans listening to Coldplay.

Thousands are expected to rave the night away to hits like The Scientist and Fix You.

One fan told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got strong winds and incessant drizzle which suits us Coldplay fans right down to the ground. We fully intend to let our hair down and go bonkers tonight. I’m a big Chris Martin fan. He was great in The Night Manager. It’s a shame he didn’t sing any songs in that show because I think it would have worked well as a musical. It’s also a shame that he’s still not married to Madonna because it would have been nice for her to turn up tonight and give us all a surprise song.”

Samaritans boss Jenny Sadpants said:

“We know from experience that our hotlines become very busy after a Coldplay gig. We had it a few years ago when Morrissey came here. We’ve got some extra people on who can tell our callers to pull themselves together and stop moaning.”

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Concerns for Ed Sheeran’s fingers after fourth Cardiff gig announced

Fears are being expressed following Ed Sheeran’s announcement of a fourth consecutive night in Cardiff in June 2018.

Coming as it does towards the end of the 18 date stadium concerts, there are concerns that the singer’s digits will be little more than bloodied calloused stumps by the time he finishes his Cardiff dates.

The singer’s management team remain unphased:

“Ed is undertaking a rigorous finger toughening schedule, and not using any moisturisers throughout the run up to the gig. Each night he rubs his fingers with coarse sandpaper – believe me – that boy could get a tune out of a cheese wire,” said one of his team.

Ed announced his fourth gig after he remembered he had some posh settees to pay off by the end of the year.

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Welsh sheep launch Ewe Tube video-sharing website

A group of Welsh sheep have set up their own video-sharing website to take on giants such as YouTube and Vimeo.

Ewe Tube will host videos of sheep doing sheep stuff, like standing around in fields, bleating at nothing in particular and shagging.

Ewe Tube director Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“There’s practically nothing out there on the internet for us sheep. All we ever get to see are cute puppies and kittens. Where are the sheep? We’ve taken matters into our own hands and set up our own website. Ewe Tube will provide sheep worldwide with things that we find interesting – grass, standing around, as well as an 18+ section for those who like a bit of filth. Users can upload their own content and will also be able to run their own Ewe Tube channels. We are very excited about our new website and we hope that it will be a revolution for sheep everywhere.”

Derek’s owner Farmer Honey added:

“I’m glad to see our sheep doing something with their lives instead of just sitting around doing naff all. I’m also hoping that they can make me some money so that I don’t have to go getting up at sparrow’s fart every morning.”

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Children’s ride to replace Circuit of Wales

The proposed Circuit of Wales is to be replaced with a children’s ride.

The Welsh Assembly Government said it’ll keep both the kids and parents happy.

A spokesman for the Assembly told WalesOnCraic:

“We understand that people wanted this facility here in Wales but we also need to put the nation’s bin collections first. Yes, we have spent a lot of money on this thing that we’re not going to go ahead with but we also don’t want to let the people of Wales down. We are therefore going to install a lovely children’s ride in Ebbw Vale. That way, the kids will be happy and no one will be able to make money off the back of our loan. It’ll be a great ride – it’ll even have a fire engine with a real working bell on it and everything. I know my kids are going to be happy about it because they never get out of the house and they are easily pleased.”

A spokesman for Kevin’s Carousels, who will be providing the ride said:

“The Assembly have slipped us £260 million to install the ride to I’m happy as Larry, whoever he is.”

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Cheap imported tarmac blamed for shrinking car parks

West Wales County Council has blamed cheap imported tarmac from China following the recent shrinkage of a car park in Tenby.

People who had used the car park over bank holiday Monday came back to see their cars straddling the white lines of the parking bays.

Dai Hatsu from Saundersfoot said:

“I returned from my annual holiday in Tenby and couldn’t get into my 4×4. The doors on both sides were touching the cars on either side. First off I though my car had grown, but then I thought ‘no’ it must be because the car park’s shrunk. There was a helluva downpour before. That explains it.”

Following the complaints, local authority inspectors confirmed that the newly laid tarmac had in fact shrunk under the Welsh wet bank holiday weather.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said council workman Bill McBlackstuff. “We’ve been under pressure to save money, but this stuff is hopeless. I understand the whole lot is to be shipped back and we’re charging them for the white paint on it too.”

Local Green Party supporter Angela Recyclemore said:

“I hope the council learn from this failed attempt at outsourcing, but at the same time I hope that this tarmac can be reused in an effective way. Maybe a short stretch of a motorway in Dubai.”

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New series of Stella to contain record number of ‘preshes’

The new series of Stella is to contain a record number of the word ‘preshes’.

The popular series, renowned for its regular catchphrases of ‘cocking’ and ‘presh’ is currently being filmed in the valleys.

A spokeswoman said:

“We can’t get enough preshes in our shows but we’ve come up with a record number of them for our next series. We’ve worked our way around this by getting every character in the show to say it. We’ve got an inside joke where we try and cram it in as many times as we can into a sentence. Viewers will be in for a treat for our next series, especially if they like the word ‘presh’ and ‘cocking’, which is what everyone up here in the valleys say all the time.”

One Stella fan said:

“I loves Stella I does. I loves it when that scruffy woman says the word ‘cocking’ – I turn the telly up really loud when she does. I also like it when Stella says the word ‘presh’ too. I don’t like her saying that as much as I do the scruffy woman saying the word ‘cocking’ so I keeps the telly the same volume when Stella says the word ‘presh’ but turns it up when the scruffy woman says the word ‘cocking’, like I said earlier.”

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Welsh Assembly to spend £3bn on teaching Green Cross Code to hedgehogs

The Welsh Assembly Government is to spend £3bn on teaching hedgehogs road safety awareness.

Hedgehogs will be visited in their homes by the Green Cross Code man who will show them how to cross roads safely.

A spokesman for the Welsh government said:

“I’m sick of driving to work every morning from my very large mansion and seeing very wide yet very flat hedgehogs. I’ve taken it upon myself to introduce this new bill so that I don’t have to look at run over hedgehogs on my way to work once a month. £3 billion of tax payer money will be spent on educating the little critters about the importance of the Green Cross Code. We asked Dave Prowse to come along and help but he said that he’s got lots more important things to do like watch telly. We will therefore be looking to employ 30,000 new Green Cross Code men who will visit hedgehogs in their homes wherever they are, and to teach them the basics. Hopefully, by the time I next go to work at Christmas, there will be no dead hedgehogs on my road.”

One hedgehog was critical of the new plans. He told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s not education we need. We know that roads are dangerous. It’s just our legs are too frigging short to get us anywhere quick. As soon as Jonny Boy Racer comes hurtling round the corner at 90mph in his Vauxhall Corsa, it’s a game of Russian Roulette.”

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This Welsh village has declared today a BONK holiday

A randy Welsh village has declared today a national Bonk Holiday.

Residents from Cwm-In-My-Pants have decided to spend the day bonking each other instead of watching crap on the telly.

Jane RandyFlaps, Chair of the Residents Association said:

“We’re fed up with watching Ben Hur and Walking in the Rain on the telly every Easter. We’re all open-minded here at Cwm-In-My-Pants so we thought we’d do something different this year. Residents have adopted an ‘open front door’ policy with their front doors so we can all come and go wherever and whenever we want. Eric has opened up the Church Hall to those who want a bit of publicity and Mrs Goggins, who is taking care of light refreshments, has made a large batch of egg sandwiches and squash. We’re all heading down the Albert later for a bit of a knees up and to catch up on the day’s events. We’re hoping it’s going to be a great success and if it is, we’ll be looking to run another one next year.”

Resident Johnny Fidget said:

“I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve been wanting to hang off the back of Mrs Dewsbury over the road since she moved in last June. It’ll be a day to remember and it’ll really bring the community closer together.”

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North Korea to work with local committee to bring back Barry Carnival

A contingent from the North Korean government is to work with a local committee to bring back Barry Carnival.

The annual event was once a highlight in the town’s summer calendar but went tits up after the route was restricted. Barry Carnival Committee are to work with the North Koreans on bringing back the popular parade.

A spokesman from Barry Carnival Committee said:

“Those North Koreans really know how to put on a show. Watching them on the telly reminds me of the good old days when Dow Corning would go all out on their floats. Over the years, it all went to shit and that was that. We’ve spoken to the North Koreans who’ve said that they’re happy to work with us on bringing back Barry Carnival. We’ll be looking to run the Carnival in July so as not to coincide with them nuking the US. Hopefully, we’ll have some local companies on board and then we can all go down to Romilly Park and get shit-faced like we used to in the olden days.”

A spokesman for North Korea declined to comment on the development.