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Petition calls for brighter mornings

A petition has been launched to persuade the Government to brighten up mornings.

The petition calls for an end to ‘grey, grizzly, gloomy and downright miserable-as-sh*t’ starts to the day.

Mandy LargeCrevice, who set up the petition, told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m sick to death of my alarm going off and me thinking it’s the middle of the night when in fact, it’s time for work. I throw open my curtains every morning, expecting to see a great sunrise to welcome me to my day. Instead I’ve got mist and drizzle and cat taking a dump on my lawn. This isn’t right. People in other parts of the world have it a lot better. It’s typical of our Government to provide us with the miserable-as-shit mornings so I’ve set up a petition. I’m hoping that people will share it on social media so that something can be done about this.”

Blodwyn ap Blowdyn of Wales First said:

“If we were to get in power, this is something we’d implement straight away. We’ll also freeze the price of Freddos and reintroduce milk into schools to prop up failing farms. That’s how much we care about this country.”

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This is the latest dieting fad that’s sweeping the world – and it’s working

A new diet that’s sweeping the world has seen people losing weight, dropping dress sizes and feeling a lot better in themselves.

The new diet, called the ‘Stop Eating Shit’ diet is in fact an old one but has recently been resurrected by logical thinking people.

Fitness instructor Helen BingoWings told WalesOnCraic:

“People come to me asking me to help them lose weight. I ask them what they eat and they usually give me an answer that confirms that they just eat a lot of shit. This new diet turns that on its head. We’re saying ‘Stop Eating Shit’ and see what happens. Over the course of months, you’ll see the weight dropping off, even if you don’t pay me thousands of pounds to look after your exercise regime.”

Wendy Flabbyguts who has been on the diet for 5 months said:

“I stopped eating shit 5 months ago and already I’m seeing results. I’m not the fat twat I was 5 months ago and my boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me. And it’s all down to the ‘Stop Eating Shit’ diet.”

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Man undecided whether to watch The Voice or to drape his wet bollocks over an electric fence

A man from North Wales is facing the unusual dilemma of either watching the new series of The Voice or draping his wet bollocks over an electric fence

Gordon GrimyKegs had been watching X Factor in the run-up to Christmas but ended up watching his newly-painted wall dry by the end of the series.

Gordon told WalesOnCraic:

“I used to like Saturday nights when telly was good – you know – things like Noel’s House Party. Oh how I laughed when people got gunked. Before that of course, you had Blankety Blank, Family Fortunes and of course, the A Team. These days though, it’s all about people wailing down a microphone like some demented goat. I started watching X Factor last year but by the end of the series, I had resorted to painting my living room walls just so I could watch them dry instead. The new series of The Voice starts tonight and I really can’t decide whether to start watching it or whether to drape my wet bollocks on the electric fence that’s outside my back garden. I’ll watch the first few minutes and see how it goes. I’ll have a bowl of water on standby to swill my bollocks in just in case.”

The new series of The Voice starts tonight and features Will I Am, Jennifer Hudson, Sir Tom Jones, some other fella, and lots and lots of adverts.

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PROVEN: Customers aren’t always right – sometimes they’re cockwombles

A recent report has dispelled the myth that the customer is always right.

The report showed that customers are often arseholes and sometimes total cockwombles.

Helen BoggleEyes who prepared the report told WalesOnCraic:

“Retail workers have been telling us for many years that customers aren’t always right. We took to the streets ourselves to find out and spent several hours working in some stores. 34% of customers were what we classified as arseholes while a further 17% were classified as total cockwombles. It has certainly dismissed the belief that the customer is always right.”

One retail worker said:

“We’ve known this for many years. They really didn’t need to pay some tart to come in and tell us what we already know.”

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Michael Fish at blame for global warming

Former weather forecaster Micheal Fish has been officially blamed for global warming.

The TV personality has also recently been blamed for Brexit and the rise of Donald Trump.

Mr Fish wasn’t available for comment but a spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Mr Fish is sick and tired of being the butt of everyone’s cock ups. He made one wrong prediction and suddenly everything that’s wrong with the world is his fault. Global warming is a not Michael’s fault and neither is he at fault about the rise of fascism. I’d like that to be noted for the record.”

Michael Fish famously denied that there was a hurricane on its way to the UK, several hours before the shit hit the fan and the country was flattened.”

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Getting drunk and judging people was the most popular pastime of 2016

It has been revealed that getting drunk and judging people was the most popular pastime of 2016.

The recreation beat off stiff competition from farting in crowded lifts and filling up shopping trolleys and leaving them in supermarket aisles.

Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed up the survey told WalesOnCraic:

“Getting drunk and judging people has always been a popular pastime here in the UK but 2016 saw a major rise in the people who were taking the pastime up. Christmas was a particularly busy time when people would take up the hobby at Christmas parties. Looking to 2017, we are expecting a further rise of this popular diversion.”

In second place was the time-old favourite of farting in crowded lifts, up from fifth place last year.

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Makers of Turkey Twizzlers to buy Jamie Oliver’s restaurants

The makers of Turkey Twizzlers are set to snap up the Jamie Oliver restaurants that have been earmarked for closure.

Jamie Oliver was the driving force behind the ban on Turkey Twizzlers being banned in schools.

Turkey Twizzler boss Bobby Gobbleneck told WalesOnCraic:

“People loved Turkey Twizzlers. When we got the contract to serve them in schools, I was able to go and buy myself an Aston Martin. Then Jamie got involved. Alright, they were full of fat and sugar and bits of dead bird that no-one else wanted but hey – that’s what kids wanted back then. When they were banned, I had to sell my Aston Martin and my big-boobed gold-digger of a wife left me. I had to end up buying a second hand Toyota Corolla and living with my parents. I blame Jamie for all this. But that was a blessing in disguise as I was able to save up some money while living with my parents. Now that Jamie’s restaurants are being sold, I’m going to snap them all up and sell nothing but Turkey Twizzlers. Life’s a funny thing, except for turkeys of course.”

A spokesman for Mr Oliver said:

“You just made all of that up didn’t you? You did. I watched you write it. It’s all lies.”

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Woman who made Top 40 mix tape in 1983 arrested on piracy charges

A woman who made a Top 40 mix tape in 1983 has been arrested on piracy charges.

Eileen DryCrotch recorded the tape from Radio 1 on her big brother’s ghetto blaster.

Eileen told WalesOnCraic:

“I remember making the tape because I was being so careful to make sure that I cut out the DJ. He’d often cut in just before the song finished so I had to have my finger poised over the pause button. Anyways, I was sat down watching Judge Rinder yesterday when there was a knock at my door. The next thing I knew, armed police burst through my door and pinned me to the floor. They then ransacked my house looking for the tape. I’m not sure if they had found it because the last time I saw it was back in 1983.”

Eileen thinks that police were given the top off about the tape by her brother Timmy, who was pissed off that he’d taped over his own Top 40 mix tape.

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Waitrose called on to ban shoppers wearing smoking jackets in store

A Waitrose shopper has called on the supermarket giant to ban customers wearing smoking jackets after posting a picture of two men wearing the domestic overjackets.

The man, who has since removed his post on the supermarket’s Facebook page, asked Waitrose to ‘put a rule in place’ to stop customers wearing such clothing, branding it ‘bloody disgusting’.

The shopper wrote:

“Dear Waitrose, please can you put a rule in place that people like this will not be served in your stores. It’s bloody disgusting.

“This was at 7pm last night at your Henley-on-Thames store and I have seen other people dressed similar on a regular basis. I mean who doesn’t have time to get changed into clothes to go shopping.”

In a reply to the post, Waitose said:

“Get a life you sad muppet.”

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PROVEN: Cellulite is ‘just hailstone damage’

A leading Welsh professor has discovered that cellulite is just damage caused by hail stones.

Professor Brian Cleverclogs said that the pimpled skin effect was common among Welsh women as it hailed a lot more than in other parts of the world.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I studied 50 women from all over Wales. I asked them to parade around in their bikinis for several hours before I then took a closer look at their cellulite. I then asked the women if they’d pose for some photos in their bikinis. I’ve still got all the photos on my phone. There were women of all shapes and sizes. I then asked them if they’d ever been caught in a hailstorm and the majority of them said that they had. I therefore came to the conclusion that their cellulite is in fact just hailstone damage.”

Mary BigBush who took part in the survey said:

“The Professor took several hours looking me over before asking if I’d ever been caught in a hailstorm. I’m very happy with the results of this survey.”