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Severn Bridge free to those who bare their arse at the toll booths

Toll charges at the Severn Bridge are to be free to those who bare their arses at the toll booths.

The new exemption will begin in January 2018 when motorists can start displaying their buttocks in exchange for a free passage into Wales.

Head of Severn Bridge Tolls Brian Bollard told WalesOnCraic:

“Tolls at the bridge have been increasing year on year and we thought it would be nice to start giving free passage into Wales as it were. All motorists need to do is get their arse out at the toll booth. Cameras will be installed to take pictures of the arses so that we can build a database of them. Our Arse Detection software will be able to pick out regular motorists so that they can pass through with ease.”

Motorist Tammy BigTooth said:

“My arse is so big, I’m not sure the camera will be able to get it all in. I’m hoping that they have a wide lens or I’ll to pay the friggin’ toll.”

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Welsh builder says he can do Swansea Tidal Lagoon for £200 cash

A builder from Caerphilly has announced that he can do Swansea’s planned tidal lagoon for £200 cash.

Dai the Paint provided the Welsh Assembly with a free, no-obligation quote, and added that they should never settle for the first quote they get.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re daft going with their first quite, mun. They needs to do a bit of shopping around before they signs anything. I’m a time-served builder and I can turn my hand to anything. I do anything from fixing a broken tap to building you a loft conversion. I’ve told the Welsh Assembly that I can do it for £200 cash. They can’t turn that offer down now can they?”

A spokesman for the Welsh Assembly said:

“This is the guy who said he could do Buckingham Palace for £200 cash yet when we looked at the details of his quote for the lagoon in detail, we realised that he was expecting free tea and biscuits all day. With every respect to Mr Paint, we cannot afford to be splashing out on tea and biscuits all day long. Worse still, we’re sure he’d have Sport Talk on his radio all day at full volume and we don’t want disruption kept to a minimum.”

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Mexicans to pay for Swansea’s £1.3bn tidal lagoon

The Welsh Government has announced that Swansea’s new tidal lagoon will be paid for by the Mexicans.

The new tidal lagoon will include a betting shop, a new Kwik Save store and a Cash Generator shop.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve learned a lot from the new President-elect on how to do things. We thought we’d build ourselves a nice big lagoon so that we can do some nice fishing trips in the summer. We got a quote from a guy who told us it’d be £1.3bn which we thought was a bit steep. Then we hit on the idea that we could get the Mexicans to pay for it. They seem to be in line to pay for a lot of things these days so they’ve obviously got the cash. We are thinking of asking whether they’d like to pay Lisa Scott-Lee to open the lagoon because we’ve always thought that she was a hottie.”

The government made the announcement of the lagoon yesterday, but admitted that it may just be fence in parts.

“Our plans are very exciting but we realise the limitations of what we can achieve. We also understand that we’ll be changing the landscape of the Swansea coastline forever but you voted us in so you can only blame yourselves if you’re not happy with it.”

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Barack Obama to become Zumba instructor in Barry

Outgoing US President Barack Obama is to start a new job as a Zumba instructor in Barry.

Obama will take over Jeremy Clarkson’s Wednesday afternoon OAP slot.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s time for me to hang up my Presidential boots and to put on my Zumba daps. Running a Zumba class is something I’ve always wanted to do and I got a call from a guy called Giles SmallBalls this morning asking me if I’d like to take over a class in Barry. I jumped at the chance so I’ve gone and bought myself a new leotard and a sweatband.”

Ethel Bendylegs who attends the Wednesday OAP class said:

“I can’t wait to see Obama in his leotard. I’ll look forward to seeing his presidential bits jiggling around.”

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Rhyl Travelodge cancel Donald Trump’s reservation in light of Watersportsgate scandal

Travelodge in Rhyl have cancelled Donald Trump’s reservation next month in light of the latest Watersportsgate scandal.

Manager Billy Duvet decided to pull the plug after reading about the latest scandal involving the President elect on the news.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve had some guests get up to no good in the past but we draw the line at this kind of behaviour. We like to keep our beds nice and dry for our next guests and in line with company policy, we’ve decided to cancel Mr Trump’s reservation. We have the discretion to cancel reservations if we need to and we won’t be offering him a refund.”

Mr Trump was due to visit Rhyl in February to open a new car boot sale that takes place in a local school. He’d paid £39 on his credit card for accommodation for one night, not including breakfast.

A spokesman for the White House said:

“We are disappointed to hear that this reservation has been cancelled, especially in light of the fact that this watersports scandal has been totally fabricated to make Mr Trump look like a dirty old man. He was looking forward to visiting Rhyl and visiting the old pier and beach front but he’ll have to make it another day now when this has all blown over.”

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Weather Office issue Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning

The National Weather Office has issued a Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning as gale force winds move into the UK.

The warning means that wheelie bins should be secured to avoid them blowing over or even flying through the air.

Derek the Weathersheep, honorary member of the National Weather Office told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got some pretty heavy winds moving into the UK and as we’ve seen in the past, this can cause devastation for the nation’s wheelie bins. Worst affected areas will be those who have just had a bin collection because their bins will be empty and more susceptible to movement. We’ve already heard reports of food bins being strewn across roads in Scotland and scenes of destruction like this will pop up all over the UK as winds move southward. We are also expecting snow so combined with the heavy winds, we could be in for a torrid time.”

Hamish McDonald from Aberdeen got in touch with his local media to tell them that his wheelie bin had blown over.

“My wheelie bin blew over,” he told local reporters.

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Corbyn distances himself from a speech he’s due to make tomorrow

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has distanced himself from a speech that he’s due to make tomorrow.

The party’s leader isn’t sure what he’ll be saying in tomorrow’s speech but he doesn’t want to tie himself to its contents.

A Labour spokesperson said:

“Jeremy said this morning that he would consider a maximum earnings cap, probably around the £139,000 mark. Later on, he distanced himself from that because he hadn’t thought it through. Later in an interview, Jeremy said that he would consider limiting the amount of Malted Milk biscuits that any one person can eat in a 24 hour period. Later on, his distanced himself from that remark. He’s due to make a speech tomorrow but it’s still being written for him by a team of sixth formers so he’s not sure what it will contain. To be on the safe side, he’s not committing himself to the speech, in case he changes his mind.”

Tarquin Smythe-Peacock, an eminent critic of Mr Corbyn said:

“The boy’s lost the plot. What ho.”

Mr Corbyn had a day filled with TV interviews, where he was hoping to relaunch his political mojo. He’s likely to be finishing the day with a bottle of brandy and a box set of Allo Allo.

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Cats announced as the animals least likely to give a shit

The humble cat has officially been announced as the animal least likely to give a shit about anything.

The cats were pushed all the way to the winning post by koalas and last year’s winner – the honey badger.

Professor Timmy CleverClogs who ran the study said:

“We were interested in finding out which of the world’s animals were least likely to give a shit about anything. Animals such as dogs spend their lives in a state of constant anxiety because they want to impress their owners. That’s why they bring you your slippers and bark at people who come to your house unexpected. An intruder could break into a house where a cat is living and they’d be like ‘Yeah man – take whatever you want. I don’t give a shit.”

One cat told WalesOnCraic:

“Me? Give a shit? Ha, no. I just like to sit around all day dabbing my moist A-hole over all your furniture. Do you seriously think I give a shit about that? Ha. Jog on mate. I’ll be over here in the corner licking my balls. Laters.”

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Proposed smacking ban in Wales could hit massage parlours hard

News that new powers in the Wales Bill, due to be approved by the House of Lords on Tuesday 10th January could see the Assembly given powers to ban smacking, has been met with horror by Madame Zsa Zsa Owen who runs the upmarket massage parlour ‘Spankers’, in Swansea.

Madame Zsa Zsa (real name Tracey Bazzookas) has run Spankers above the Donkey Sanctuary Charity Shop in Swansea for over 15 years. Wales’ Children’s Commissioner, Dr Sally Holland has said that smacking has no place in modern society.

Madame Zsa Zsa said:

“I am concerned as Welsh Labour has promised to seek cross-party support to end the defence of reasonable punishment. Spankers is an upmarket massage parlour and offers other services to punters. Swansea men seem to have a penchant for smacking and spanking are top of the list of many of our punters. I have already been asked by some of our regulars how this will affect the offering of this service. If it is banned, I fear we could be forced out of business. I have even been investigating the possibility of relocating to just over the Severn Bridge, near Bristol. I have located premises.”

Swansea punter, Rhys Flabbybutt asked for anonymity as his wife didn’t know he attended Spankers. We are happy to ensure Rhys’ name remains anonymous. Rhys said:

“It started from my public school. I would often get a smacking from Matron and my form mistress. At first it hurt, but before I knew it, I started to like it and I would break the rules on a regular basis, just to ensure I got a good smacking. And this developed into my spanking fixation as I got into the 6th form.”

An Assembly spokesman who wishes to remain anonymous said he had been approached by many Conservative AMs and MPs as they had fond memories of being smacked and it developed into the healthy spanking fixation.

“We are going to have to ensure that any legislation differentiates between smacking a child and consensual smacking or spanking fun for a consenting adult. If we don’t, there’s going to be a lot of pent up frustration and God only knows what will happen then.”

The Welsh BDSM & Sadomasochists Society has said that they are setting up a petition on the Assembly website and they will whip their members to ensure they support the petition, ensuring adults are not affected by any smacking ban.

A spokesperson for the Welsh Children’s Commissioner said:

“The Commissioner is aware of the sensitivity of this issue and they will try to ensure that smacking and spanking of consenting adults is not affected by the ban, that could be in place across Wales by mid-2019.”

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Welsh farm launches range of dog cheese

A farm in mid Wales has launched the world’s first range of dog cheeses.

The cheese is made from dogs’s milk and has gone on sale stores nationwide.

Farmer Colin LargeWellies told WalesOnCraic:

“I was lying in bed last year and wondering how I was going to afford to keep a herd of cows. They’re big, expensive things to keep alive and as I was lying there worrying, my dog came up and sniffed my arse. At first, I told her to go away but then it hit me like a thunderbolt – why not farm dog milk? I took my dog down to a mate’s house so I could get her impregnated. After a while, she popped out a few puppies which we sold to some fella who came around in a white van. We then hooked my dog up to a milking machine and milked her dry. We then realised that she’d dry up pretty quickly so we got her pregnant again. Then we took her other puppies off her and repeated the process several times. After a while, we made our first batch of cheese. It tasted like any other kind of milk so we got a few more dogs in, got them all pregnant and milked them dry. We launched our first cheese called ‘Canine Crunch’ in November and it went down a treat at Christmas festivals.”

Big orders meant that Largewellies was able to launch a second, stronger cheese which they called ‘The Dog’s Bollocks’.