Shopper across the UK are set to relieve stores of shit that they haven’t been able to sell all year.
Black Friday shoppers will then be heading back to the stores in a week when they realise they’ve been sold a pile of shite.
One store manager told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve had these shitty Sanyo tellies in our stockroom for months. I just haven’t been able to shift them. Luckily, some smart arse invented Black Friday which means I can sell all the shit I’ve been wanting to get rid of all year. We are prepared for the carnage we saw last year – we’ve got some of the boys down from Merthyr to sort out any troublemakers.”
One shopper said:
“I’ve got all my credit cards polished and good to go. I can’t wait to get my hands on a telly that doesn’t work.”
TfW Rail has changed its name to WTF Rail to reflect the recent cancellations and delays.
Transport for Wales said the new name change was inspired by feedback given to them by long-suffering commuters.
One commuter said:
“Last Thursday, a train turned up and whereas it’s usually formed of two carriages, it was only formed of one. Apparently, the other one was sold for scrap. We had 5,000 people trying to get on it and there was so little room that once we all go on, we were all jammed in and no one could get off. Then on Friday, whereas my usual train is formed of one carriage, this train was formed of no carriages at all. We were told that if we wanted to get to work, we’d have to go on a bus which got stuck in traffic.”
A spokesman for WTF Rail said:
“Following feedback from our commuters, we now think that our new name reflects the service that we provide. Now if you don’t mind, I need to tell my staff that they have no trains to drive today.”
A fat air passenger is suing an airline for seating him next to a whinger.
Freddy ‘Fatboy’ Eightbellies is suing the airline for distress caused from 12 hours of non-stop whingeing.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“As soon as I sat my fat arse down, the guy next to me started moaning that the windows were too small. I laughed but then he went on to moan about that it was too hot. I told him to take his fleece off but then he went on moaning about how he had nowhere to store it. I put my headphones on to drown out the noise of him but on he went, moaning about everything on the plane. Jesus, he went on. He moaned when I sneezed, he moaned when I farted, he moaned about everything he could think of. By the end of the flight, I wanted to punch him in the tits. By the end of the flight, I was a quivering mess. When I got home, the first thing I did was speak to my solicitor. I’m suing them all I can get, which is probably about £230.”
The airline, which couldn’t be named said:
“Tough shit mate. Shit happens. Get a grip.”
It started off so well. In a bid to silence his right-wing anti-EU backbenchers once and for all, Prime Minister David Cameron took the rare decision to offer the people of the UK a referendum. They were asked whether they wanted to remain in the European Union or to leave. Confident that the people would deliver what Cameron wanted, he put it to the public vote. And in June 2016, the people of the UK spoke. Then it all went to shit.
Here’s what we know so far:
> The price of Freddos has remained volatile with experts predicting that the public could see a 5p increase over the next 10 years
> Politicians keep wanting to punch each other in the face
> David Cameron flew to France following the referendum result and now lives in a pig farm
> Two Brexit ministers have resigned in the last two years
> Andrew Marr has so many questions to ask, he’s doesn’t know his arsehole from his elbow
> The UK will be paying the EU £39bn for no reason whatsoever> The Irish have no idea what’s going on
> Nigel Farage’s teeth could be deported for not being white enough
> Theresa May can’t dance
> Boris Johnson is living in a drey in a forest with some squirrels
> No one knows what the fuck is going on
> Brexiteers are still hoping to get bendy bananas
> All UK subjects living in the EU will have to move back to the UK or become citizens of the country that they are currently living in
> A 20ft high wall will be built between Wales and England to keep Welsh sheep out of England
> Donald Trump thinks that Brexit is a good thing
> Jeremy Corbyn needs a new coat
> Dominic Raab and Esther McVey are to get new jobs at Trago Mills in Merthyr
That’s all we know for now. We’re going for a lie down in a dark room.
Prince Charles is celebrating his birthday today by getting shit-faced and eating slutty kebabs.
The Prince of Wales has said that he intends seeing out his night by visiting Chippy Lane in Cardiff.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“One wants to get completely orf one’s tits tonight. It’s not very often that one reaches 70 years old and before one gets too over the hill, one wants to get completely shit-faced. One also fancies stuffing one’s face with slutty kebabs and waking up tomorrow with one hell of a hangover and hopefully some Valleys tart that’s up for some princely fun. One wants to see out the night in the Welsh capital and one hears that Chippy Lane is the place to go. Therefore, one will be requesting a royal helicopter to take one from wherever one is, to wherever one wants to go. One is the Prince of Wales and one can do whatever one wants.”
A spokeswoman for Highgrove House said:
“I’ve got no idea what he’s doing. He was smacked up to his tits by 5pm so I can’t see this ending well.”
Litter pickers on the Welsh border with England have been accused of keeping Wales tidy by putting rubbish over the fence into England.
With the motto ‘Keeping Wales Tidy’ on their backs, litter pickers have been seen putting empty Freddo and Hula Hoop wrappers into English territory.
A spokesman for Keep England Tidy told WalesOnCraic:
“We were out picking up our litter on our side of the fence last week when we spotted our Welsh counterparts up ahead on their side of the fence. We gave each other a cheery wave and carried on about our business. I know I’d done this particular stretch of land because I’m a professional. But when we headed back to our cars for some cucumber sandwiches, I noticed that there was a Freddo wrapper on the ground. I was mortified so quickly picked it up and put it in my bag. A few steps along, I came across an empty Hula Hoop packet, barbeque beef flavour. I thought I was going mad. When I looked up, I could see the Welsh lads chucking stuff over the fence onto our side. I was livid.”
A spokesman for the Association of Welsh Litter Pickers said:
“We’ve heard this kind of rumour before. The fact is that this particular Freddo bar wrapper, along with the Hula Hoop wrapper, had been thrown over OUR side only a few minutes earlier by the English lads. We were simply placing them back in their country of origin.”
A mediator has been sent to the border to calm tensions.
Schools across Wales are to start teaching kids about homophones.
The news comes as incorrect usage of ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ reaches shit-busting proportions.
A spokesman for the Welsh Assembly said:
“I now that a lot of people struggle learning the difference between certain words that sounds the same. I went too school two learn about stuff and while I was they’re, I was able too pick up so many different skills. I would of stayed their longer but I failed some of my exams. I would of liked too have gone on two Uni but I didn’t want to take out a student lone. So I came too work for the Assembly and things have gone well since. I’ve got a nice company car and I get some nice tax rebates to.”
Helga VonStroppycow, Chairwoman of Welsh Headmistresses said:
“I welcome this knew initiative. I’d like to see it roled out across schools as quickly as possible.”
A £3bn survey by the Welsh Assembly has discovered a link between obesity and eating shit.
The survey discovered that the more shit you eat, the bigger you become.
A spokesman for the Association of Large People in Wales said:
“Our work has taken 15 years to complete. We’ve been the breadth and the width of the country. We’ve asked at least 17 people what causes their obesity and in most cases, our respondents have told us that it’s because they are eating shit. We had one guy who ate fast food every day of his life and as a result, found out that he was allergic to vitamins and minerals. Our scientific studies have shown that the more shit people eat, the bigger they are going to become.”
One man who took part in the event said:
“I could have told you this years ago. But I find contentment in my food. Therefore, I’m a fat but happy bastard.”
A staggering 45% of women in the UK secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.
Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.
Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told WalesOnCraic:
“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”
One woman who didn’t want to be named said:
“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”
A Welsh rugby fan mistook a Welsh rugby player’s bare arse and attempted to park his bike there on the weekend.
Donald ‘Donald’ McDonald arrived late at the game on his bicycle and attempted to park in what he thought was a bike rack.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“I’m a bit short-sighted which got me into trouble in the first place. I thought I was catching a train to Cardiff but ended up in Carmarthen. Having realised my mistake, I hire one of those bikes you can hire and I cycled all the way from Carmarthen to Cardiff. My arse was so sore. I arrived at the stadium and knew I was late so pedalled straight in. I cycled up the steps and as I came over the top, I could see what I thought was a bike stand. Without thinking, I tried to cycle across the pitch but I was stopped by a security guard who asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to park my bike but he just pushed me off my bike and told me to get out. It was only later that I was told that I’d mistaken one of the player’s arses for a bike stand. I would laugh but it’d hurt my already sore arse.”
Welsh player Steff Evans was the Welsh player who got his arse out during a period of play.
“We loved seeing his arse. We think he won Moon of the Match,” said one fan.