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Chinese tourists turn up at Cardiff City Hall for Trump’s inauguration

Around 100 Chinese tourists have turned up at Cardiff’s City Hall to watch Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The group was ushered away to a nearby Wetherspoons pub after having the news broken to them.

A passer-by told WalesOnCraic:

“I was heading into work when I saw about 100 Chinese tourists sitting down with picnics and umbrellas. At first, I thought it was some kind of day trip but as I passed by, I noticed that they were holding placards. Some of them read “We Love Trump” while others weren’t so complimentary. I was going to walk on by but I saw a policeman there and I asked him what was going on. He told me that he had no idea so he went over to them and asked them. I could see the disappointment on their faces as they were walking away. The copper took them to The Crockerton for a few pints. I felt a bit sorry for them but that’s life innit.”

One of the Chinese tourists said:

“I got here at 6am for sod all. We really thought it was the White House. I now intend to get shit-faced so please leave me alone. Thanks.”

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David Attenborough to narrate Newport wildlife documentary

Respected TV broadcaster David Attenborough is set to narrate a new wildlife documentary based in Newport.

The new TV show will explore the joyless social and breeding habits of the town.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Newport was a fascinating place for us to film. We came across all kinds of behaviour, ranging from the mental through to the downright scary. We saw humans mating in parked up cars, small humans spitting in the faces of adults and even fights breaking out down at the watering holes. The humans of Newport provided us with a rich tapestry of behaviour, some of which, we had never caught on camera before.”

Lord Attenborough said that of all his wildlife experiences throughout the world, Newport is the place that will stick with him for a long time.

“We were filming in the depths of St Julians one night when we saw a lone female approaching. We took cover behind our Land Rover and waited to see what she was going to do. We didn’t want to make our presence known so we kept quiet and the female approached our vehicle. Our hearts were in our mouths as she came right alongside the car. Before we knew it, she’d leant over the bonnet of the car and yakked her guts up all over it. Then she carried on her way into the town. It was quite a sight.”

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Rooms at North Wales’ new prison available on Trivago website

WalesOnCraic’s crime correspondent, Robin Banks can confirm that rooms at a new North Wales prison are being advertised on the Trivago website.

Trivago is the website where they compare hotel prices and enable users to get the best deals.

Robin Banks received a tip off from a reliable source, when talking to prison officers at the Prison Officers Council AGM, in a top Newtown hotel.

Robin went onto the Trivago website and looked for accommodation in the Wrexham area for early March. And sure enough, he was advised of 3 cells being available for £45 a night. It included an early morning call at 7am, free of charge.

Robin Banks made a reservation and obtained evidence of his booking. He then spoke to the Prison Minister, Edward Farquhar-Ferguson. The Minister confirmed that as the prison will be the UK’s largest prison and hold up to 2000 prisoners, when full. It opens on 27th February, but its likely to be mid-2018, when it will be full.

“Due to austerity, it was decided to generate money by letting vacant cells as there was a demand for secure accommodation in North Wales,” said the Minister.

The Minister went on:

“Prison staff have been trained up and will have to be paid, even though there won’t be many prisoners, to start with. The prison staff have received training on customer service and this will benefit the prison service, when the prison is 100% occupied by prisoners. We hope to generate up to £12 million pounds and that is good news for taxpayers.”

WalesOnCraic spoke to Sion Thompson-Guiltyasfeck who has spent a week-end at HMP Berwyn. He said:

“I have had my belongings stolen at several establishments over the years. But my property was secure at HMP Berwyn. OK, the TV is crap. No Sky, but the food was good and I see Wrexham Council’s Environmental Health Officers have given it a 5 Star rating for ‘Scores on the Doors’.”

A spokesperson for Wrexham Borough Council said:

“This is a novel method of providing desperately needed accommodation and I am sending my Mother-in-law there for a fortnight. I got a good deal on Trivago.”

WalesOnCraic has managed to get a cell for 2 for a week’s holiday in a special deal with Trivago, with all meals and ear plugs included. An early morning call at a time of your choice between 6-8am is also included.

To enter, send an e-mail to royston@WalesOnCraic.com by noon 31st January saying in less than 50 words, why you would like to win the free week’s holiday for 2 at HMP Berwyn. The holiday is available in July or August 2017.

The Editor’s decision is final. No family or friends of WalesOnCraic staff or contributors may enter.

The winner will be notified by a black maria turning up outside their house at 6am in the morning. The winner is also expected to write a review of their stay. Good luck.

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Bungle from Rainbow to oversee Brexit process

Bungle from Rainbow is the surprise selection to take the UK through the Brexit process.

Theresa May made the announcement to a group of very important people earlier today.

She told delegates:

“Today I have the great pleasure of announcing Bungle from Rainbow as the Lead Consultant in the Brexit process. We took a look at a lot of potential candidates but no-one could match Bungle for his sheer misplaced optimism and enthusiasm. Bungle will bring a great deal of experience in mediation between two opposing sides, in his case, usually George and Zippy. Bungle has shown over many years that he can oversee projects to completion with a smile, and is able to satisfy our policy of Equal Opportunities.”

Bungle will start work on Monday. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Gee Geoffrey. Isn’t this a wonderful honour? I shall take on this role with great enthusiasm and I shall also be invited Rod, Jane and Freddy over to perform at my inauguration. I am so happy.”

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Father owns pair of underpants that are older than his adult children

A father from Swansea has admitted that he owns a pair of underpants that are older than his children.

Dennis Gunt originally bought the pair of kegs from Peacocks back in 1984 and has worn them most days since.

His wife Norma told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s had them since the early eighties but I think I’ve only washed them about six times in total. He says that they’re his lucky pants and that they are the comfiest ones that he has. I bought him some posh ones once for his birthday but he complained that they were chafing his bollocks and went back to his old ones. In all my married years, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in anything else.”

Dennis said that he wore the same underpants because they were always on the floor next to his bed when he woke up.

“If they weren’t there on the floor, it’d mean that I’d have to go and find some clean ones. It’s easier just to stick the same ones on. The dog’s had them a few times so there are a few holes in them but they’re like an old friend to me. I’d never be without them.”

Wife Norma is hoping to secretly put them in the bin when he’s not looking.

“The only problem with that is that he’s always wearing them. The only time he’s not wearing them is when he’s in bed and I think I’d need a gas mask to touch them.”

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North Wales earthquake was just ‘fat bird slipping on a kebab’

An ‘earthquake’ that rocked North Wales earlier today has been explained away by local geologists.

The earthquake measured 1.1 on the Richter Scale but was put down to an overweight woman slipping on a discarded kebab.

Jonny Pebbleface of the North Wales Earthquake Club said:

“I was in my bedroom earlier today monitoring my earthquake equipment when I noticed that the needle jumped. I noted this down in my notebook and immediately informed the authorities. I told them what I had seen on my equipment and gave them the exact time of the recorded event. They asked me to bring my findings to their office so I packed up my stuff and headed downstairs. Upon opening the front door, I noticed a large woman on the floor outside the kebab shop next door. She was moaning about how she’d bruised her gunt. I inspected the scene further to see an abandoned kebab next to her, some of which was on the bottom of her dap. I therefore concluded that the fat woman had slipped on the kebab, thus causing the mini-earthquake.”

The woman, who didn’t want to be identified said:

“I was too busy tucking into my own kebab to notice the one of the floor and I went arse over tit. I landed on my gunt which really hurt but I’m ok.”

Residents of North Wales reported household ornaments moving as well as hearing a deep rumbling sound across the region.

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Pontypridd fast food chain launch the McVodka

A fast food out outlet in Pontypridd has launched the world’s first McVodka.

The new burger has been a hit with clubbers heading home after a night out down the club.

Manager Lewis Greasylips told WalesOnCraic:

“We launched the McVodka a few weeks ago and we’ve sold out every night. The burger is the usual blend of dead body parts that no-one thought we’d get rid of, plus a very large glug of vodka. They’ve got a bit of a kick to them and they go down very well with the ladies. We offer a small version, a large version and a very large version. The very large version sells out first and we end up selling the little fellas to the dickheads who come in just before we close.”

Glenys LargeCalves who is one of the shop’s regular customers said:

“I loves them I do. After I’ve been for a dance down the club, I like nothing more than stuffing my face with a McVodka. I just loves it.”

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Couple with relationship problems stay together for the sake of their dog

A couple with relationship problems from Porth have decided to stay together for the sake of their dog.

Chris and Chris Thomas were hoping to get a divorce but their dog sat between them and pulled some sad eyes.

Chris (the first one) told WalesOnCraic:

“My dickhead of a husband has been getting on my tits for the last seven years. He’s fat and ugly and smells like a Biffa bin. I came downstairs because I wanted to tell him that I was going to divorce him but before I could get to him, my dog came in and stood between us. The little shit pulled a cute face and we decided that we had to stay together for the sake of the dog.”

Chris (the other one):

“My slapper of a wife has been getting on my tits for the last seven years. She’s fat and ugly and smells of drains. She came downstairs and I was hoping that she was going to tell me that she wanted to divorce me but before she could get to me, the dog stood in between us and pulled a cute face. We then decided to stay together for the sake of the dog.”

The dog said:

“I just wanted to be let outside for a shit.”

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Obama considering standing as MP for Stoke-on-Trent Central

Outgoing US President Barack Obama is considering standing as MP in Stoke-On-Trent.

The news comes as Labour’s Tristram Hunt steps down to become a tour guide at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum.

Obama told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve always loved Stoke-On-Trent. It’s renowned all over the world for things like…erm…pots. It’s famous for pottery isn’t it? Is that where pottery was invented? I’m not sure. Either way, I love Stoke-On-Trent, sitting there alongside the River Trent. I’d like to be an MP in the UK because you can claim lots of things on expenses can’t you? I’d eat out lots if I was a British MP see? I’d rack those expenses up big time. And of course, I’d be there to support the people of Stoke-On-Trent, wherever that is.”

Obama is currently out of work as he steps down from his role of US President. The position has become available as Labour MP Tristram Hunt takes on a new job.

“I’ve got myself a job as a tour guide at the Victoria and Albert Museum. I can’t wait to start. It’ll be like going back to school.”

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Riots erupt nationwide as Freddo bar price rises to 30p

Large-scale riots have broken out across the UK at the news that the price of Freddo bars is set to rise to 30p.

The news broke earlier today and 14 people have already been hospitalised in clashes with riot police.

One rioter told WalesOnCraic:

“Day by day, week by week, this government is eroding the very fabric of our childhood. I remember when Freddo bars were just 10p and we are now reaching nearly three times that amount. Think about the children – this government is just wanting to destroy the magic of childhood. We want Freddo bars reduced back to 10p so that future generations can enjoy going to the shop with their pocket money and buying a Freddo bar.”

A spokesman for the government said:

“It’s got fack all to do with us mate. You need to speak to Mondelez, the people who actually make that shit.”
Shops in Swindon were earlier looted of all Freddo bars while several caravans in West Wales were torched by Welsh Language Activists who needed a reason to burn down some holiday homes.