An insider from the England rugby team has exclusively told WalesOnCraic that they are targetting fourth place in next year’s Six Nations tournament.
The insider said that England are also pretending to be shit ahead of the Rugby World Cup to lull everyone else into a false sense of security, something Wales did at the last World Cup.
The insider told WalesOnCraic:
“These next few months are crucial as we build up towards the next Rugby World Cup. What we don’t want is everyone gunning for us. So Eddie’s come up with a brilliant plan. We’re going to pretend that we are shit for the next year or so and then when we get to the World Cup, we’ll show people how amazing we actually are. Wales did something similar when Wales came third in the Six Nations while we were second. We deliberately came fifth in this year’s tournament so that everyone thinks that we are shit. We are targetting fourth place at next year’s competition.”
England have been touted as joint-favourites for this year’s World Cup but bosses would rather sneak under the radar.
“We want to be sneaky about this. Otherwise, we’ll have everyone trying to break our legs ahead of the tournament.”
Image: DIALLO 25
Wales has said that it’s to boycott this year’s World Cup in Russia in response to recent sanctions imposed by the Kremlin.
Welsh football players have been told to take the summer off and to do something nice instead, like going to Butlins.
A spokesman said:
“We take a very stern view of what the Russians have been up to these last few years, and especially so over the last few months. We had a meeting down the pub with the lads and we’ve decided to withdraw the Welsh team from this year’s World Cup, which of course, takes place in Russia. We don’t want to look as though we are supporting a country that bullies the rest of the world with its underhand tactics. We’ve told the boys to take some time off and get some rest instead.”
Russian football officials were baffled by the fax sent from the Welsh squad.
“What is this shit?” said one official.
BBC sports pundit John Inverdale is reported to be ‘moist’ at the thought of talking about England for six weeks, during the Six Nations tournament.
The dashingly handsome broadcaster says he is looking forward to talking about England, even when other teams are playing.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“This year’s tournament kicks off with Wales V Scotland, which is always a great, physical game, especially when England play. Wales will find things tough this year because World Cup winners England are in magnificent form. France and Ireland are the next teams to lock horns on the opening day which is good news for England because they can have a bit more of a rest before taking on Italy in Rome. Of course, England simply need to turn up to win that game, what with the Italians being all rubbish and that. England will naturally be the team to beat this year because they won the World Cup in 2003. Not sure if that means that they get pointy flags in the corners but it’s well worth mentioning, especially when the boring non-English games are on.”
A spokeswoman for the broadcaster said:
“I don’t know why you keep saying that John talks about England all the time. He is a seasoned professional who tries to give everyone a fair representation when comparing them to England. England. England. England.”
New Wales manager Ryan Giggs is expected to miss Monday’s press conference after pulling out with an injury.
Giggs’ injury has been described as ‘non-specific’ and will rule him out of the next few Welsh games.
A spokesman said:
“It’s very unfortunate that Ryan has hurt himself in this way. We aren’t exactly sure what his injury is but it’s bad enough to rule him out of all the Welsh games for the next few months. He will however, be available for all other types of sporting duties at club level.”
Giggs is expected to be named the new manager of Wales after Chris Coleman ran out of chewing gum. Fans are said to be happy with Coleman’s replacement but there are concerns that Giggs’ chest hair may distract Welsh players in training.
One Welsh fan said:
“Yeah, it’s lush innit like? I looks forward to the next game. I just hope Giggsy is available to be there.”
Chris Coleman’s chewing gum is to go on public display in the Welsh capital after he moves to Sunderland.
Coleman has been chewing the same piece of chewing gum since he took over as manager of Wales in 2012.
A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:
“Chris’s chewing gum has very much been part of this journey of ours. Chris first popped the chewing gum in his mouth before was even interviewed for the post because he said that it calmed his nerves. He’s never taken it out. We’ve heard tonight that for reasons known only to himself, he’d rather leave our green and wonderful land for Sunderland. They must be offering him shitloads of money up there – who wouldn’t want to manage Wales? Either way, we’ll get to remember him through his chewing gum. The gum will go on display inside a glass cabinet somewhere very posh and we’ll charge lots of money for people to come and see it. How about that eh?”
Coleman is yet to comment on the chewing gum.
“I thought he’d take it with him to be honest,” said one fan.
3 million Welsh arses have started twitching ahead of the country’s crunch game with Ireland.
It is estimated that 3 million buttholes will be clenched tighter than neutron stars at 7.45pm tonight.
Wales fan Ianto ap Ianto told WalesOnCraic:
“My arse has been twitching since 7 o’clock this morning when I woke up. It’s been quivering all day to be honest. I haven’t been able to eat my breakfast, dinner or tea. I’ve been pacing about my house like a bear in a zoo. I haven’t been able to work, watch telly or even say hello to anyone. If the boys don’t do it tonight, you’ll find me down the pub for the next month.”
Wales could get through to the World Cup playoffs if they beat or draw with Irland and Greece beat Cyprus more than 17 goals and the moon is aligned with Venus and next door’s dog faceshags your mum’s dog and Slovakia lose all their games for the next year. Or something.
Wales super substitute Ben Woodburn has been shortlisted for World Player of the Year by Welsh football fans.
Woodburn scored a decisive goal against Austria as the Welsh team took another stride towards winning the football World Cup.
One fan said:
“When he came on, all Austrians laughed because he looked so young. But they’re not laughing anymore are they? We’ve all voted Ben for the World Player of the Year because of his amazing goal tonight. If he comes to our town, he can go in any pub he wants, he can take home any girl he wants – he can do whatever he fancies. He is a hero to us.”
World Player of the Year spokesman Mario ThingyBob said:
“Welsh fans have flooded our hotline to vote for Ben Woodburn, even though this is not our usual protocol. He seems a popular player in Wales right now.”
Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather have been officially asked to remove their sunglasses before tonight’s showdown.
Both fighters have said that they were hoping that the other would be gentlemanly and not twat a man in the face wearing glasses.
Conor McGregor said:
“I’m going to smash his face in to be sure, to be sure. I’m the best boxer in the world and if I want to wear sunglasses on my beautiful face, then I will. I’m going to hit him so hard that he’ll think he’s in next week. I’m going to deck him within 5 seconds and if I don’t, I’ll deck him within ten minutes. I’ve actually run out of cliches now so I’ll have to think up some more.”
Safety official said that fighters wearing sunglasses was not permitted by law.
“There’s a law against this somewhere. I’m pretty sure of it,” said a safety official.
A Welsh Football League forward has contacted Paris St-Germain to let them know that he can do Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior’s job for just £300 a week.
Danny ‘FiveGunts’ Twoporches said that he would save the club just under £198m a year while providing the same level of skills as the Brazilian.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“What’s he got that I’ve not got? In fact, you could say that I bring more to the table than Neymar does. I hold down a full-time job in Curry’s during the week – what does he do? Just walks around getting tattoos and praising God. I’ve shown commitment and passion to the game – I’m there every Sunday over the rec. I’ve got speed, skill and even a silver pair of daps. Given a chance, I’d shine on the world stage like Neymar has. I’ve written to PSG and told them that I can do his job for just £300 a week. Now that the deal looks like it’s falling apart, they’d do well to give me a call.”
Danny’s wife said that she could do with the money:
“Our washing machine blew up last week. I’ve got a house full of skiddy grots. If Danny can get himself into PSG, I’d buy a new one from Curry’s because he gets discount. I’d had my eye on one for a while – it washes your clothes AND dries them. The only thing it doesn’t do it iron them and put them away in the cupboard.”
The BBC has introduced a grunt-free version of Wimbledon on its iPlayer.
Viewers will now be offered a No Grunt option by clicking on the red button.
A spokeswoman told WalesOnCraic:
“My husband came home from work last night and thought I was watching lesbian porn. I had to explain to him that it was the women’s tennis but even then, he didn’t believe me. I’ve been into work today and decided that we need to offer our viewers a No Grunt option. We’ve hired a lad to sit there through every game and mute every grunt. We’re paying him minimum wage but have told him that it’ll look good on his CV.”
One tennis player said:
“I like to grunt because it makes the ball travel 10% faster than if I didn’t grunt. It also puts my opposing player off and also makes for dramatic television. I started grunting lessons at the age of 5. I now grunt whenever I exert myself physically, like putting the bins out and lifting my feet while my partner hoovers the living room.”