Category: Sport

Posted on by

Gatland selects entire 46-man squad to take on All Blacks in second Test

Warren Gatland has picked his entire 46-man squad to take on the All Blacks in the second Test in Wellington

Stuart Hogg has even been called back to join the squad with his big black eye.

A Lions spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We think we’ve picked a team that is capable of taking on the All Blacks. Now that we have the first Test under our belt, we know exactly what we need to beat them and that’s lots more players. Our 46-man squad will be more than three times the size of the All Blacks side so for every Kiwi who gets the ball, three of our lads will go in and smash him. We at need some parity at least and we now think that we’ve got the team to do it.”

The British and Irish Lions fell to a defeat in their opening Test at Eden Park where the All Blacks haven’t been defeated since the early 1990s.

One fan said:

“The ref was awful today. He kept awarding tries to New Zealand whenever he felt like it. He’s a disgrace. Those English, Scottish and Irish players let our Welsh boys down big time.”

Posted on by

Warren Gatland calls up Welsh trio as Lions backup

British and Irish Lions coach Warren Gatland has called up a Welsh trio to back up his touring squad.

Charlotte Church, Max Boyce and Katherine Jenkins have all been flown out to New Zealand to help boost Welsh numbers within the squad.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Gats is keen to keep the Welsh theme going in this Lions side, especially since the English, Irish and Scottish have been letting him down so badly. He put in a few calls last night and the chartered flight left Cardiff Airport this morning. The trio will be in training by tomorrow night which is fine as we’ve got a game on Tuesday night. We think we’ve got the balance right – the girls can do all the singing while Max can crack some jokes and make people laugh. It’s the only way we think we can beat these All Blacks.”

Lions fans were jubilant about the call up. Bryn Gunt told reporters:

“I loves Charlotte and Katherine. My dream is to be sandwiched between them one day. I wrote to Jim’ll Fixit it once but he never got back to me. I can leave Max though. He doesn’t really do it for me.”

Posted on by

British and Irish Lions build reinforced nuclear bunkers for Ross Moriarty to smash into in training

British and Irish Lions management have built reinforced nuclear bunker concrete walls for Ross Moriarty to run through in training for the forthcoming tour of New Zealand.

Moriarty demolished an entire forest in training ahead of this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Training coach Dai Hard told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s hard as nails this guy. We did have a few Canadian Redwood trees on the paddock but he made short work of them. Luckily, we heard that a local nuclear bunker was being dismantled so we went down with a skip and nicked a few of their walls. It’s the only thing that will satisfy Moriarty’s love of smashing into things and destroying them.”

Armchair coach Jerry Fatarse was excited to hear the news. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I love watching Ross play. I think every one of the Welsh lads should play his style – run the fack into things very fast and to hell with the consequences. It’ll scare the shit out of the opposition.”

The British and Irish Lions kick off their tour of New Zealand in June. If you didn’t already know.

Posted on by

Chris Coleman changes his chewing gum

Rumours have surfaced that Wales manager has changed his chewing gum.

Coleman has had the same chewing gum since taking over as Wales manager in 2012.

A spokesman said:

“We have received reports that Chris has changed his chewing gum. We cannot confirm or deny this rumour. We spoke with Chris before the Ireland game this evening and he said that he hadn’t changed his chewing gum. At the time, we had no reason to disbelieve him but someone somewhere said that they had seen him down the shop buying some new chewing gum. We then saw Chris opening a wrapper but we can’t confirm or deny if it was a new chewing gum. We therefore cannot confirm or deny whatever it is we were talking about.”

Chris Coleman’s chewing gum is actually an amalgamation of several chewing gums.

Posted on by

England sneak lucky win over Scottish to win Six Nations again

England have pipped Scotland at Twickenham to win a second successive Six Nations title.

The All Whites now have two titles under their belts to make up for years of desolation and empty trophy cabinets.

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“Our cheps were top notch today, weren’t they old boy? They threw that jolly ball around like no-one’s business. The cheps thoroughly deserve the win – I’m just glad that they managed to sneak it at the end there because it was jolly close for a while. Now where are my cucumber sandwiches?”

Another English fan said:

“What are you on about? Sneaky lucky win? Hardly lucky! You Welsh are just sore losers – couldn’t even beat Scotland yourselves. We thoroughly deserve to win this title again because we’ve been the best team in the entire championship. We even won it with a week to go. What could your Welsh boys manage? A win over Italy and a lucky win over the Irish. I’ll say it again – sore losers! We all know that the Welsh only live to hate England. Turn that hatred into winning and you’ll maybe get somewhere.”

Chwarae Teg. We at WalesOnCraic would like to offer our genuine congratulations to England on their Six Nations title win.

Posted on by

Paul Nuttall scores dramatic injury-time try as England pip Italy

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has scored a dramatic injury-time try as England demolished Italy at Twickenham.

Nuttall, who also famously scored a drop-goal to win England the 2003 World Cup, scored in the second minute of injury time to bring the score to 36-15.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“It was a tough game but I’m glad that we came through in the end. Italy were a tough package and really stood up to us. But that’s what the Six Nations is all about. You have to work for everything in this tournament and after the disappointment of the by-election results earlier in the week, it’s nice to have something to put a smile on my face.”

England coach Eddie Jones said:

“Paul has been a fantastic player for us for 40 years now. We can always rely on him to come up with the goods in the end. We did think that we were going to lose him to the sport of golf as he’s recently won the Open but thankfully, he saw sense and came back into the fold.”

Paul is planning to celebrate the win by recording a hit single with Elvis.

Posted on by

Fake media publish false news stories of Scottish win over Welsh

Media publications across the UK have published fake news stories about Wales succumbing to Scotland in this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Fans at Murrayfield witnessed a 67-0 win for Wales this afternoon but have been confused by the false media reports.

One fan said:

“I saw it with own eyes. We absolutely thrashed them 67-0 with Shane Williams scoring a brilliant brace of tries. We are now on for another Grand Slam after the one we won last year. I don’t understand these news stories claiming that we lost. I just don’t get it.”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer called to congratulate the team who are now unbeaten in 145 matches.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d like to congratulate Wales on yet another win. We’ve been very impressed with the quality of rugby in this year’s Six Nations and we can’t see anyone stopping Wales completing yet another Grand Slam.”

Posted on by

Police called to Principality Stadium to investigate daylight robbery

Police have been called to the Principality Stadium after Wales was robbed of a glorious Six Nations win.

Police will be taking statements from 75,000 eyewitnesses who were at the stadium last night.

PC Harry Plod told WalesOnCraic:

“We can confirm that we received a call about 6.30pm last night from the Principality Stadium after a reported robbery. Our understanding is that Wales had a Six Nations win under their belt but this was taken from them with just a few minutes of the game left on the clock. We will be looking to take statements from people who were there and from people who were watching this on live television. Our chief suspect in this investigation is one Elliot Daly who was seen sniffing around the pitch for most of the game, but was last seen heading over the try line with the ball in his hand. We’ll be wanting to speak to him and Mike Brown, just to wind him up.”

One eyewitness said:

“I saw it with my own eyes. The win was ours – we thought we’d done enough to deserve it when all of a sudden, this cheeky chappy comes flying down the wing and dabs the ball over. It all happened right in front of us. He should have been arrested there and then. It’s a disgrace.”

Police expect to finish their investigations later today so that they can get back down the pub and drink themselves into oblivion.

Posted on by

Principality Stadium staff to tilt pitch 45° this Saturday so England play uphill

Staff at the Principality Stadium are to tilt the pitch up to 45° this Saturday so that the visiting English team have to play uphill for the entire match.

Staff discovered the secret button while cleaning the newly-installed pitch last week. Head groundsman Gordon Grunt told WalesOnCraic:

“We had our reservations about this new pitch but when the contractors installed the pitch last year, they added a tilt feature so that they could clean underneath the it. They’ve obviously forgotten to uninstall the feature so we’re going to be using it our advantage. If the English start moaning about the roof like the Irish did, they can carry on. We’ll be tilting the pitch up against them for the first half and then the other way after half time.”

Fans have welcomed the move, especially since England will be arriving with their tails up. Bryn Thundergut said:

“Oh aye there butt innit?”

Equally, English fans have been outraged to hear the news. English fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock said:

“It’s a jolly outrage.”

Posted on by

England fans banned from singing ‘droning, dreary song about chariots’ on Saturday

England rugby fans have been told that they can’t sing their usual dreary song about chariots at the forthcoming Wales v England game on Saturday.

Officials have told the fans that the song drags the atmosphere of the game down to Twickenham levels.

One official told WalesOnCraic:

“England fans are entitled to sing what they want – apart from this bloody song. Whenever they start singing it, the whole place sighs and dips into deep depression. I’ve seen happier looking blood hounds than some of the fans when that song is sung. It’s got no rhythm to it, no fire – it’s just like one long drone. We’ve taken the unusual step of banning the song being sung in the hope that they’ll sing something a bit more uplifting – something like Agadoo or maybe something from a Disney film. We just can’t stand hearing about bloody chariots.”

Tarquin Smythe-Peacock, President of the Jolly Chaps of England Rugby Society said:

“What? This is outrageous! One should be allowed to sing one’s favourite song if one so desires. We’ve got all our cucumber sandwiches packed ready for Saturday but I can’t imagine not singing our song. I’m going to write to my local MP about this. It’s an outrage!”

Welsh fans will be able to sing their favourite song, Delilah, which is a song about a man with jealousy problems stabbing his girlfriend to death.

“At least that’s got a bit of passion about it,” said one supporter.