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Spiders planning an autumn of terror

Spiders across the UK are reportedly in the final stages of planning an autumn of terror.

The arachnids have been breeding like bastards and plotting dark corners to jump out of onto unsuspecting passers-by.

One spider told WalesOnCraic:

“Me and the missis have been banging away all summer to make sure that we’ve got millions of eggs ready to hatch come autumn. My poor old wife’s been popping them out at a rate of 300,000 a day but hopefully by the time the kids go back to school, there’ll be lots of little baby spiders walking around. We are planning to really scare people this year. We’ve mastered the art of hiding under people’s pillows so that we can pop out at night time and walk all over their faces. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Spider expert Prof. Simon Spindlegs said that spiders are also eating shitloads of flies and are hoping to be twice the size they were this time last year.

“We’re expecting spiders the size of your head to pop out behind you while you’re watching Coronation Street this year.”

The spiders are hoping to launch their campaign sometime in September.

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Welsh stargazers set to watch the Perseid Haemorrhoid Shower this weekend

Thousands of star-gazers in Wales will be looking to the heavens this weekend to see the Perseid Haemorrhoid Shower.

Thousands of haemorrhoids will be shooting across the night sky at a rate of up to 10,000  an hour.

Star-gazer Don DullArse told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been waiting to see these haemorrhoids all year. It’s possibly the best display of haemorrhoids you’ll see all year and with clear skies, it looks like we’re in for a real treat.”

The Perseid Haemorrhoid Shower occurs every year in the northern hemisphere when thousands of haemorrhoids fly through space on their way to Mars or somewhere. Weather forecasters have told WalesOnCraic that the weekend’s weather conditions should be good to view the speactacle.

Derek the Weathersheep said:

“Yeah, whatever. I’m off out to the field with a few bevvies to see these bastards. I missed them last year because I was too engrossed in the Love Island final.”

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Cops baffled by sandcastle’s overnight disappearance from beach

Police on Gower are investigating a mysterious sandcastle theft.

Officers have been left scratching their heads after receiving a report of a stolen sandcastle from popular Caswell beach on Gower peninsula.

It is believed a holiday maker spent hours constructing an intricate mini replica of an ancient fortification only to find it completely gone the following morning.

Holidaymaker turned sandcastle builder, Doug Spade, aged 19 of Twatville in Sussex, said:

“I spent hours building a scale model of Winsor Castle. I even placed miniature figures of the Royal family on the battlement. I used the figures from our wedding cake for Harry and Meghan but used the wife’s red nail varnished to get his hair right. It looked the dog’s bollocks but I do have a red setter.

“I was all fine when we went home at around 9pm but when we came back the next morning it was all gone. The sand looked as though it had never been touched; it was like a billiard table only sand coloured. Whether it was jealously or not, I don’t know.

“I called the police and, in all fairness, a load of them came straight away and spent the whole day investigating on the beach. They took lots of crime scene photos. I’m not sure if they suspect the misses but they were mostly of her in her bikini. They also spent a lot of time quizzing the female lifeguards.”

A spokesman for the police, Sergeant Ray Chism, said:

“From what I understand the castle was well fortified, it had a moat and everything, but someone still managed to get their hands on it.

“We have spoken to dozens of people but no one saw it being carried from the beach.”

Vowing not to give up he added:

“We take all allegations of theft seriously and are determined to get to the bottom of this, even if it takes all summer.”

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Cardiff’s Taff Trail to be renamed the Geraint Thomas Trail

Cardiff’s famous Taff Trail is to be renamed the Geraint Thomas Trail after his famous Tour De France victory last weekend.

Discussions are also taking place to re-re-name the Prince of Wales Bridge to the Geraint Thomas Bridge as he is now the true Prince of Wales.

A spokeswoman for the Assembly told WalesOnCraic:

“Geraint did a wonderful job over the weekend so we only thought it fair to name something after him. There are loads of cyclists on the Taff Trail so we thought it’d be nice if we named it after him. People can then say that they’re ‘doing the Geraint’. We are also in talks to get the newly-named Prince of Wales Bridge to be named the Geraint Thomas Bridge as the Big G is more of a Welsh prince than the current Prince of Wales is. But first we’ve got talks about wheelie bins so we’ll let you know how we get on.”

The village of Whitchurch, where Geraint grew up, has been celebrating by eating loads of chips from Top Gun chip shop and getting wankered in The Plough.

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Mum finds bottom of washing basket after 15 years

A mother from Aberdare has found the bottom of her washing basket after 15 years.

The last time Fran Butterflaps saw the bottom of her wash basket was in 2003.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I had my first son in 2003 and what a twat he turned out to be. Back then, I bought myself a new washing basket because that’s what mothers are supposed to do. Within the first few hours, it was full and it’s been full since. I chucked my son out a few days ago because he turned my attic into a drugs garden and after a few hours, I started seeing the washing in my basket going down. It was only today that I finally reached the bottom of the basket, where I found a babygrow covered in sick and a pair of jeans that were 4 sizes too small for me.”

Fran celebrated reaching the bottom of her washing basket by going down the pub and getting absolutely mashed.

“I went wild. I had two Babychams and half a shandy. I can’t remember the rest of the night.”

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TV pundits to learn how to pronounce Geraint correctly at evening classes

TV pundits across the world are to receive evening classes to help with their pronunciation of the word Geraint.

The Tour De France winner has been called all sorts over the last few days, ranging from Grunt to Jeraint.

A spokesman off the telly told WalesOnCraic:

“The poor lad’s been called every name under the sun this week. He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. The pundits on TV have had a very hard time trying to say his name correctly. We’re just glad that he comes from Cardiff and not Llwynypia. We’ll be sending the pundits on some evening classes to help them. We’ll also be showing them how to say other Welsh words correctly – phrases like Gareth Bale and Sam Warburton.”

Grunt Thomas won the Tour De Frane today and became the first Welsh person to do so. He went round France on his bike very quickly.

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Woman puts heating on

A woman from Bridgend has put her heating on for the first time this summer.

Ethel Freezynips put her heating on after temperatures dipped under 30° for the first time in months.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I woke up this morning freezing my fat arse off. I was considering putting my electric blanket on but then I remembered that I don’t have one. I had to go and put the heating on instead. My boiler didn’t know what the frig was going on. It moaned a bit and struggled for a while. I’ve also brought my duvet down from upstairs and I’m now sat on my settee trying to warm up.”

Rain and wind brought an end to the current heatwave in Wales but temperatures are expected to rise once again next week.

“I’ll see how it goes,” said Ethel. “For now, the heating is staying on.”

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Geraint Thomas set to become a f*cking legend

Welsh lad Geraint Thomas is set to become a f*cking legend after setting himself up to win the Tour De France.

Geraint with a G will be granted freedom to ride his bike through red lights throughout Wales when he wins tomorrow.

A spokesman for the Tour told WalesOnCraic:

“Tradition dictates that no one overtakes the leader in the final stage of the race, which means that Geraint simply has to finish the race to win. He’s been going like shit off a shovel these last few weeks and the lad looks set to become a f*cking legend. When he gets back to Cardiff, he will be granted the freedom of the city, which means that he can ride his bike anywhere without restriction. He won’t need to ring his bell and people will be expected to move out of his way because he’ll be a f*cking legend.”

The Tour de France is the most famous of bike races and is set in France.

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Thousands affected by wet stuff falling from sky

Thousands of people across Wales have been affected by a meteorological phenomenon that involves water falling from the sky.

So-called ‘rain’ has fallen in several parts of Wales, prompting people to say that it’s raining.

Legendary Welsh weather forecaster Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“We haven’t seen this kind of thing in years. I remember back in 1982 when it rained last. People still talk about it to this day. We’ve had a bit of rain here in Wales overnight and it’s affected thousands of people. Some have had to bring their washing in, some have had to bring in their garden furniture and I’ve heard reports that one man had to put a coat on. It’s awful.”

Rain happens when water falls from the sky and gets things wet.

“As climate change kicks in, we’re more likely to see this kind of freaky weather more often,” added Derek.

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Pete Tong: I’m getting fed up of taking the blame when things go wrong

Geriatric DJ Pete Tong has lashed out at people who blame him when things go wrong.

The DJ told WalesOnCraic that he’s had enough of taking the blame and that he’s going to have a sulk about it all.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“Every time something goes tits up, I get the blame. No matter what it is, the first thing people do is mention my name. I’ve had enough of it. I’m going to sulk about this now. I’m not having it any more.”

Tong plays Cardiff Castle tonight. He says he’s not going to play any music until people stop blaming him for stuff.

“I’m playing Cardiff Castle tonight. I’m not going to play any music until people stop blaming me for stuff,” he said.