The end of the EU’s Freedom of Movement could cause chaos this year for millions of kids.
Santa, a resident of Lapland, could face a restriction of movement thanks to Brexit.
A spokesman for the government said:
“I honestly didn’t think of this when I voted for Brexit but now that we’re starting to realise what we actually voted for, it’s come as a bit of a shock. An end to the current Freedom of Movement policy would mean that Santa would not be able to just fly in and out in one night as he has done for decades. He’d need to apply for a visa, wait several months for one of our chaps to get back to him, and then he’d be told that his application was lost and that he’d have to start again. I think he’ll have to start getting parents to actually buy the toys instead and say that they’re from him. That’s all I can think of at the moment.”
Santa was unimpressed and told WalesOnCraic:
“What a crock of shit that’ll be.”
Welsh scientists have proven a link between excessive masturbating and baldness.
One professor has found that people who masturbate more than three times a day are 70% more likely to go bald.
Professor Brian Boggleyes told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve always suspected a link between excessive masturbating and baldness and we thought we’d address this once and for all. I myself was the subject of this study and for 20 years, I masturbated at least three times a day. After 20 years, I discovered that I had indeed made myself bald. I put everything down on paper and published it at a local university. I’m sure my findings will come as a great interest to some people but probably not.”
Professor Boggleyes’ next project will be looking at the link between eating shit food and being fat.
80s megastar Paul Young has been found living on a Cardiff bus after leaving his hat on one of them.
Young was found sleeping on the No 17 bendy bus to Ely after unwittingly leaving his hat on there on Monday.
The singer told WalesOnCraic:
“I’m the type of boy who’s always on the roam. You know I can’t make it all alone sometimes that’s the way, that’s the way. I was on this bus on Monday visiting a friend and it was only later that I realised that I’d left my hat on there. I’m a bugger for doing it. I’ve moved house 15 times already this year because I keep laying the bloody thing down. I’ve tried keeping it on my head but sometimes I just want to take it off. If it’s so I’d like for you to know. That I’m not worth it, you see. For I’m the type of boy who is always on the roam, mmmm.”
Bus driver Terry Fivebellies said:
“I was taking the bus back to the depot when I noticed this guy lolling about asleep. I woke him up and he said that it was his new home.”
TV personality Judge Judy has been confirmed as the new Supreme Court judge in the US.
Judy will start work on Monday after previous nominee Brett Kavanaugh was found drinking beer and crying outside a bar.
A White House official told WalesOnCraic:
“President Trump’s inauguration was the BIGGEST, and I mean the BIGGEST inauguration that mankind has ever witnessed. Don’t forget that. We’ll all seen the fake photos of his small crowds but we were there and let me tell you, there were so many people stood in one place that it put Earth out of its orbit for a while. President Trump has done many great things and becoming President was one of them. Did you see how seriously he took his pledge? Man. There were so many people there. I don’t know how they all found restrooms to use.”
Asked about Judge Judy’s confirmation as new Supreme Court judge, the official said:
“Oh yes. Judge Judy’s been confirmed as the new Supreme Court judge.”
A blaze at a Welsh Primark store has caused £16.50 worth of damage to stock.
The inferno damaged hundred of items of clothing and a few pairs of sunglasses.
Manager Emily Undergunt told WalesOnCraic:
“I came to work this morning feeling quite festive and I had been thinking about how I was looking forward to working over Christmas. But I was met with scenes of utter devastation when I arrived here. We’re not sure what caused the blaze but I think it could be a disgruntled member of staff. Kyle had been turning up late and I told him that if he came in late again, he’d be getting a verbal warning. He burnt down a row of Scouts’ tents once because they dared pitch up behind his house. If I found out it was him, I’m going to batter him with a frying pan. He’s ruined my Christmas.”
The store will be closed for the rest of the week while the damage is assessed.
“We’re looking at around £16.50’s worth of damage,” said Emily.
A leading Brexit expert has told WalesOnCraic that failing to secure a deal would see the price of Space Raiders rocket (pun intented).
The well-loved crisps, which currently retail at 20p, could end up costing the average Brit £4 each if a deal is not reached.
John BigBalls, who has made the claim, told WalesOnCraic:
“We currently have laws laid out by Brussels that puts a cap on the price of Space Raiders. You may remember that United Biscuits tried to increase the price to 25p not long ago, causing riots and looting all over the country. It was Europe that told them that they had to get the price back down to 20p. Children and poor people across the nation have Europe to thank for that. It now means that they can get five packets for a pound instead of four. That’s real value for money and that’s why we pay £350 million a week.”
Some sceptics weren’t impressed with the latest claim.
“That fella talks out of his shitter,” said one.
A surgeon from Caernarfon has been struck off after inserting a squeaky toy instead of a breast implant.
Brian Grubbyfingers said he’d inserted the toy as a laugh but was found guilty of medical negligence by a medical review committee.
The woman who had the squeaky toy inserted, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:
“It was awful. It took me a good few months to recover from the operation and it obviously took a while to get my confidence back in the bedroom. My husband and I had arranged a date night and we went to the local pub because they do two meals for one there. Dave likes the gammon AND the curry so what we do is eat one meal, then go and sit somewhere else in the pub and pretend we’re another couple. That way, Dave can have his gammon and his curry. Anyway. When he got home that night, Dave thought he’d squeeze my tit to turn me on and we both had a shock when he did. We thought his late dog Rufus had come back from the dead.”
It was later discovered that Dr Grubbyfingers had used a squeaky unicorn toy instead of a silicone implant.
“I wouldn’t have minded,” said the woman, “but we weren’t prepared for it and it ruined Dave’s night out.”
The art of pulling up one’s pants is to be taught in Welsh schools.
It comes after frequent parading of skanky grundies by some schoolboys.
Gerald Gingernuts of the Welsh Assembly told WalesOnCraic:
“I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all seen at least one young lad with his trousers around his arsehole. It’s not the nicest thing to see, especially when you’ve just shoved in a Greggs pasty. We’re introducing new laws that will see pulling up your trousers taught in schools around the country. It will be explained to students how they look like cockwombles when they try to wear their pants low, and they’ll also be shown how to pull their trousers up so that they look half-decent. The last thing we want to see in this day and age are shitty Primark grundies.”
One ‘sagger’ told WalesOnCraic:
“I likes wearing my pants round me arse. Makes me look proper ‘ard innit.”
Seagulls across Wales are planning a large-scale invasion of all major cities.
The foul-arsed feathered freaks have been breeding like made over the summer to increase numbers ahead of the invasion.
Seagull specialist Steven ‘Seagull’ Seagal (not the famous one) told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve not seen anything like this before. Except in my dreams. We’ve been counting seagull numbers over the summer and they’ve increased 700%. That means that they’ve been banging them out at a rate of knots. With our seagull translation devices, we’ve been able to eavesdrop on their conversations and we’ve been able to deduce that they are planning a large scale invasion of our major cities. Cardiff is likely to be the first city to fall because that’s where the Assembly government is and if that goes, there’s going to be no one to coordinate bin collections. If we are not careful, this is going to get ugly.”
Council officials have played down the invasion warning, saying that seagulls will be dealt with appropriately.
“If any of those white bastards comes near my house, I’ll be blasting the twats out of the sky with my shotgun,” said one councillor.
A former Blockbuster video store is to be reopened as an interactive museum.
Visitors to the old store in Penarth will be able to re-enact taking videos to the counter and taking them away for hire.
Museum curator Dennis Crustyballs told WalesOnCraic:
“People look back fondly on our old Blockbuster stores and we’ve found one that’s still in pretty good nick. Our merry team of volunteers have set about restoring the shop to its former glory and once it’s all done out, we’ll be asking for donations of videos and DVDs that no one wants any more. We hope to excite those who have never stepped inside a Blockbuster store and give them a new experience. Even better, we’ll be taking all those who do remember on a trip down memory lane. I remember taking my first ever video out here. It was 9 1/2 weeks because I wanted to see Kim Basinger in the nip. I still got the video because I forgot to take it back.”
Crustyballs hopes to have the store open by Christmas.