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Welsh Football League forward tells PSG he can do Neymar’s job for £300 a week

A Welsh Football League forward has contacted Paris St-Germain to let them know that he can do Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior’s job for just £300 a week.

Danny ‘FiveGunts’ Twoporches said that he would save the club just under £198m a year while providing the same level of skills as the Brazilian.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“What’s he got that I’ve not got? In fact, you could say that I bring more to the table than Neymar does. I hold down a full-time job in Curry’s during the week – what does he do? Just walks around getting tattoos and praising God. I’ve shown commitment and passion to the game – I’m there every Sunday over the rec. I’ve got speed, skill and even a silver pair of daps. Given a chance, I’d shine on the world stage like Neymar has. I’ve written to PSG and told them that I can do his job for just £300 a week. Now that the deal looks like it’s falling apart, they’d do well to give me a call.”

Danny’s wife said that she could do with the money:

“Our washing machine blew up last week. I’ve got a house full of skiddy grots. If Danny can get himself into PSG, I’d buy a new one from Curry’s because he gets discount. I’d had my eye on one for a while – it washes your clothes AND dries them. The only thing it doesn’t do it iron them and put them away in the cupboard.”

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BBC to introduce grunt-free Wimbledon

The BBC has introduced a grunt-free version of Wimbledon on its iPlayer.

Viewers will now be offered a No Grunt option by clicking on the red button.

A spokeswoman told WalesOnCraic:

“My husband came home from work last night and thought I was watching lesbian porn. I had to explain to him that it was the women’s tennis but even then, he didn’t believe me. I’ve been into work today and decided that we need to offer our viewers a No Grunt option. We’ve hired a lad to sit there through every game and mute every grunt. We’re paying him minimum wage but have told him that it’ll look good on his CV.”

One tennis player said:

“I like to grunt because it makes the ball travel 10% faster than if I didn’t grunt. It also puts my opposing player off and also makes for dramatic television. I started grunting lessons at the age of 5. I now grunt whenever I exert myself physically, like putting the bins out and lifting my feet while my partner hoovers the living room.”

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Gatland selects entire 46-man squad to take on All Blacks in second Test

Warren Gatland has picked his entire 46-man squad to take on the All Blacks in the second Test in Wellington

Stuart Hogg has even been called back to join the squad with his big black eye.

A Lions spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We think we’ve picked a team that is capable of taking on the All Blacks. Now that we have the first Test under our belt, we know exactly what we need to beat them and that’s lots more players. Our 46-man squad will be more than three times the size of the All Blacks side so for every Kiwi who gets the ball, three of our lads will go in and smash him. We at need some parity at least and we now think that we’ve got the team to do it.”

The British and Irish Lions fell to a defeat in their opening Test at Eden Park where the All Blacks haven’t been defeated since the early 1990s.

One fan said:

“The ref was awful today. He kept awarding tries to New Zealand whenever he felt like it. He’s a disgrace. Those English, Scottish and Irish players let our Welsh boys down big time.”

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Warren Gatland calls up Welsh trio as Lions backup

British and Irish Lions coach Warren Gatland has called up a Welsh trio to back up his touring squad.

Charlotte Church, Max Boyce and Katherine Jenkins have all been flown out to New Zealand to help boost Welsh numbers within the squad.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Gats is keen to keep the Welsh theme going in this Lions side, especially since the English, Irish and Scottish have been letting him down so badly. He put in a few calls last night and the chartered flight left Cardiff Airport this morning. The trio will be in training by tomorrow night which is fine as we’ve got a game on Tuesday night. We think we’ve got the balance right – the girls can do all the singing while Max can crack some jokes and make people laugh. It’s the only way we think we can beat these All Blacks.”

Lions fans were jubilant about the call up. Bryn Gunt told reporters:

“I loves Charlotte and Katherine. My dream is to be sandwiched between them one day. I wrote to Jim’ll Fixit it once but he never got back to me. I can leave Max though. He doesn’t really do it for me.”

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British and Irish Lions build reinforced nuclear bunkers for Ross Moriarty to smash into in training

British and Irish Lions management have built reinforced nuclear bunker concrete walls for Ross Moriarty to run through in training for the forthcoming tour of New Zealand.

Moriarty demolished an entire forest in training ahead of this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Training coach Dai Hard told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s hard as nails this guy. We did have a few Canadian Redwood trees on the paddock but he made short work of them. Luckily, we heard that a local nuclear bunker was being dismantled so we went down with a skip and nicked a few of their walls. It’s the only thing that will satisfy Moriarty’s love of smashing into things and destroying them.”

Armchair coach Jerry Fatarse was excited to hear the news. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I love watching Ross play. I think every one of the Welsh lads should play his style – run the fack into things very fast and to hell with the consequences. It’ll scare the shit out of the opposition.”

The British and Irish Lions kick off their tour of New Zealand in June. If you didn’t already know.

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Chris Coleman changes his chewing gum

Rumours have surfaced that Wales manager has changed his chewing gum.

Coleman has had the same chewing gum since taking over as Wales manager in 2012.

A spokesman said:

“We have received reports that Chris has changed his chewing gum. We cannot confirm or deny this rumour. We spoke with Chris before the Ireland game this evening and he said that he hadn’t changed his chewing gum. At the time, we had no reason to disbelieve him but someone somewhere said that they had seen him down the shop buying some new chewing gum. We then saw Chris opening a wrapper but we can’t confirm or deny if it was a new chewing gum. We therefore cannot confirm or deny whatever it is we were talking about.”

Chris Coleman’s chewing gum is actually an amalgamation of several chewing gums.

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England sneak lucky win over Scottish to win Six Nations again

England have pipped Scotland at Twickenham to win a second successive Six Nations title.

The All Whites now have two titles under their belts to make up for years of desolation and empty trophy cabinets.

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“Our cheps were top notch today, weren’t they old boy? They threw that jolly ball around like no-one’s business. The cheps thoroughly deserve the win – I’m just glad that they managed to sneak it at the end there because it was jolly close for a while. Now where are my cucumber sandwiches?”

Another English fan said:

“What are you on about? Sneaky lucky win? Hardly lucky! You Welsh are just sore losers – couldn’t even beat Scotland yourselves. We thoroughly deserve to win this title again because we’ve been the best team in the entire championship. We even won it with a week to go. What could your Welsh boys manage? A win over Italy and a lucky win over the Irish. I’ll say it again – sore losers! We all know that the Welsh only live to hate England. Turn that hatred into winning and you’ll maybe get somewhere.”

Chwarae Teg. We at WalesOnCraic would like to offer our genuine congratulations to England on their Six Nations title win.

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Paul Nuttall scores dramatic injury-time try as England pip Italy

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has scored a dramatic injury-time try as England demolished Italy at Twickenham.

Nuttall, who also famously scored a drop-goal to win England the 2003 World Cup, scored in the second minute of injury time to bring the score to 36-15.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“It was a tough game but I’m glad that we came through in the end. Italy were a tough package and really stood up to us. But that’s what the Six Nations is all about. You have to work for everything in this tournament and after the disappointment of the by-election results earlier in the week, it’s nice to have something to put a smile on my face.”

England coach Eddie Jones said:

“Paul has been a fantastic player for us for 40 years now. We can always rely on him to come up with the goods in the end. We did think that we were going to lose him to the sport of golf as he’s recently won the Open but thankfully, he saw sense and came back into the fold.”

Paul is planning to celebrate the win by recording a hit single with Elvis.

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Fake media publish false news stories of Scottish win over Welsh

Media publications across the UK have published fake news stories about Wales succumbing to Scotland in this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Fans at Murrayfield witnessed a 67-0 win for Wales this afternoon but have been confused by the false media reports.

One fan said:

“I saw it with own eyes. We absolutely thrashed them 67-0 with Shane Williams scoring a brilliant brace of tries. We are now on for another Grand Slam after the one we won last year. I don’t understand these news stories claiming that we lost. I just don’t get it.”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer called to congratulate the team who are now unbeaten in 145 matches.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d like to congratulate Wales on yet another win. We’ve been very impressed with the quality of rugby in this year’s Six Nations and we can’t see anyone stopping Wales completing yet another Grand Slam.”

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Police called to Principality Stadium to investigate daylight robbery

Police have been called to the Principality Stadium after Wales was robbed of a glorious Six Nations win.

Police will be taking statements from 75,000 eyewitnesses who were at the stadium last night.

PC Harry Plod told WalesOnCraic:

“We can confirm that we received a call about 6.30pm last night from the Principality Stadium after a reported robbery. Our understanding is that Wales had a Six Nations win under their belt but this was taken from them with just a few minutes of the game left on the clock. We will be looking to take statements from people who were there and from people who were watching this on live television. Our chief suspect in this investigation is one Elliot Daly who was seen sniffing around the pitch for most of the game, but was last seen heading over the try line with the ball in his hand. We’ll be wanting to speak to him and Mike Brown, just to wind him up.”

One eyewitness said:

“I saw it with my own eyes. The win was ours – we thought we’d done enough to deserve it when all of a sudden, this cheeky chappy comes flying down the wing and dabs the ball over. It all happened right in front of us. He should have been arrested there and then. It’s a disgrace.”

Police expect to finish their investigations later today so that they can get back down the pub and drink themselves into oblivion.