Posted on

Judge Judy confirmed as new Supreme Court judge

TV personality Judge Judy has been confirmed as the new Supreme Court judge in the US.

Judy will start work on Monday after previous nominee Brett Kavanaugh was found drinking beer and crying outside a bar.

A White House official told WalesOnCraic:

“President Trump’s inauguration was the BIGGEST, and I mean the BIGGEST inauguration that mankind has ever witnessed. Don’t forget that. We’ll all seen the fake photos of his small crowds but we were there and let me tell you, there were so many people stood in one place that it put Earth out of its orbit for a while. President Trump has done many great things and becoming President was one of them. Did you see how seriously he took his pledge? Man. There were so many people there. I don’t know how they all found restrooms to use.”

Asked about Judge Judy’s confirmation as new Supreme Court judge, the official said:

“Oh yes. Judge Judy’s been confirmed as the new Supreme Court judge.”

Posted on

Trump: We’re gonna land a man on the sun

Supreme Leader Donald Trump has told reporters that American is going to be the first country to land a man on the sun.

He said that he hopes to land a man on the sun, and bring him back again, by the end of the decade.

He told waiting press-type people:

“We choose to go to the sun! We choose to go to the Sun in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too.”

He added:

“By the way, this speech is likely to get the bestest ratings Donald Trump has ever done. Bigly.”

Trump’s scientists will begin the project this morning after watching Fox and Friends.

“We’ve been told that we can’t go to the sun because it’s too hot and bright but we are going to send our men there at night time because it’ll be darker and cooler then.”

Posted on

Trump calls Kim Jong Un a ‘cockwomble’ within first minute of summit

US Supreme Leader Donald J Trump has called North Korea’s Kim Jong Un a ‘cockwomble’ at the highly-anticipated summit.

Reports say that Trump was reacting to Kim referring to him as a dotard.

A spokesman for the White House told WalesOnCraic:

“Can we get these reporters out of here please?… Right.. thank you. Who are you exactly? WalesOnCraic? Never heard of you. Do you publish real news? No? Ok. Good. You sound like our kind of people. Yes. Yes, it’s true that Donald called Kim a cockwomble. To be truthful, Donald isn’t exactly sure what a cockwomble is but he said that he quite likes the word and that it sounds quite abusive. No. Kim called him a dotard first…I don’t know. They were arguing about who was going to sit at the head of the table. No. I don’t know. Can we wrap this up now please? I’ve got girls waiting back at my room…I don’t know…maybe £100 an hour. They’re local. Yes. Got to go. Bye.”

Trump arrived in Singapore hoping to collect his first Nobel Peace Prize.

Organisers of the prize said that he can fuck right off.

Posted on

Roseanne Barr gets new job in Caerphilly Greggs

Disgraced TV star Roseanne Barr has landed herself a new role as a sales assistant in Greggs.

The comedian starts her new job in the Caerphilly branch of the bakery on Monday.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I said something naughty on Twitter so I’m moving to Wales to start myself a new life. I’ve heard that Greggs is a top quality baker and that their branch in Caerphilly is looking for a new member of staff. I did a phone interview last night and managed not to say anything racist and the lady phoned me back last night to say that I have the job. Over the weekend, I’ll be learning the prices of steak bakes, sausage rolls and flake fancies. I’ll be picking up my new uniform on Saturday and I’m hoping that I’ll fit right into my new role – or should that be ROLL – ha, ha. God. I am SO funny. Did you see how I made a joke there? I said ROLL instead of ROLE. I should have my own TV show or something.”

A manager for Greggs said:

“She says one thing out of line and she’s out on her earhole. And we don’t want her stuffing cakes up her jumper either. We know what these sort of people are like.”

Posted on

US to arm dogs to shoot their way out of overhead lockers

The United States has pushed through emergency legislation to arm dogs with assault rifles.

The legislation was pushed through late last night after it emerged that a dog died after being placed in an overhead locker on a plane.

A spokesman for the White House said:

“We need to protect our dogs and our dogs need to protect themselves. We have pushed through this emergency legislation because we feel that our dogs would be safer if they were armed to the teeth with assault-style weapons. Should they find themselves locked in an overhead locker again, all they need to do is shoot their way out like they do in the films. It’s our right to bear arms and it’s also our dogs’ rights to bear arms. We will not discuss this any further.”

One dog owner said:

“S’up yikkety yaw? Sure my dawg wants a gun. Yeehah. Praise be to the Lord Almighty Himself, god damn, son-of-a-bitch.”

Posted on

Donald Trump takes credit for launching a Tesla Roadster into space

US President Donald Trump has taken credit for launching a Tesla Roadster into space.

Trump said that the whole thing was his idea and that he built the rocket himself on the weekend.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d like the world to know that there is a car in orbit above earth right now. And I’d also like everyone to know that I was the man who put it there. It is possibly the bigliest idea I’ve ever had but you need to remember that I am indeed, a stable genius. I built this rocket in my shed over the weekend, popped one of my many cars in it and asked a few of my mates to send the thing into space. This rocket is the biggest rocket that has even been built and it took off in a shower of fire and fury. I would like to remind people that I claim full responsibility for this marvellous success.”

Trump said that the red convertible that he launched into space would carry on to Mars where it would pick up some shopping.

“They’ve got some great shops there,” he added.

Posted on

Piers Morgan successfully extracted from Donald Trump’s rectum

British superstar Piers Morgan has had his head successfully extracted from Donald Trump’s rectum.

Doctors took 17 hours to extract Morgan’s head, which became lodged in Trump’s rectum during a recent interview.

Dr Fiddlyfingers who oversaw the operation told WalesOnCraic:

“Mr Morgan’s head was firmly lodged inside the President’s anus. We’ve never seen anything like this before. It took four grown men 17 hours to finally dislodge Mr Morgan’s head. We are hoping that Mr Morgan will take some time off TV to recover from this episode as it’s all been very distressing for all involved.”

Mr Morgan was admitted to hospital last night after visibly becoming lodged up the American’s arsehole. An eyewitness said:

“It was bad to watch. It’ll stick with me for a long time.”

Posted on

BREAKING NEWS: Shithole countries still functioning

News is emerging that shithole countries across the world are still functioning.

It follows news that the US is currently without a government or any kind of idea what the frig is going on.

A spokesman for International News Source said:

“We’ve been getting reports that shithole countries across the world are still with government, and still functioning as they were last week. We would also like to confirm that these shithole countries are still able to open their national parks and also not put hundreds of thousands of individuals on leave of absence. Looking to the US, who could perhaps learn a thing or two from these shitholes, maybe the Trump administration could look to just walk away and leave it to professionals.”

A spokesman for the White House said:

“Our stable genius is in total control. I repeat – he is in total control. And can someone help us find him as he’s gone walkabout. Thanks.”

Posted on

Doctor confirms that Trump is mentally stable – just an average cockwomble

A doctor sent to provide Donald Trump with a cognitive analysis has said that the President is fine but that he’s just a cockwomble.

The doctor also added that Trump has the body of a Greek Adonis and would be posing for Playboy next month.

The doctor exclusively told WalesOnCraic:

“Our President is the epitome of health and well-being. After thoroughly analysing him from the top of his Shredded Wheat, down to his tiny little hands, I can confirm that he is all man. I have also taken the time to assess the mental health of the President and can confirm that he is mentally normal. He is therefore what we’d call an average cockwomble, the sort you’d find hanging round places like Kiwis in Cardiff. I would like to think that Donald stands as a true inspiration for the young men of this nation.”

Trump is expected to pose for Playboy sometime next month once he can tone up his massive gunt.

Posted on

Short-arsed people reclassified as tall elves

Short-arsed people across the world have been officially reclassified as tall elves for the festive season.

The announcement comes as Santa’s real elves are busy making toys in the North Pole.

Chief Elf Harry Rosycheeks told WalesOnCraic:

“At this time of year, our usual elves are busy making shit up in the North Pole which means that we naturally have a world shortage at this time of year. To counteract that, we’re upgrading all the short people in the world to tall elves. We will take a review of the situation in January to see where we are with things. Tall elves will have the same powers as usual elves but can dress up in everyday attire if necessary.”

Short-arse Heidi Tippytoes said:

“This is great news for me because I can dress up in an elf costume all day long.”