10 Things You Never Knew About France

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France is a wonderful country, full of rugged mountains, gorgeous coastlines and ancient castles. Oh. Hang on. No sorry. That’s Wales. France is a country full of French people

  1. In the times of the dinosaurs, France was part of England. But after two warring sections of dinosaurs couldn’t decide on who was going to be boss, a waterway was built between the two, now more commonly known as the English Channel.
  2. 65 million years ago, a giant haemorrhoid struck the earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. In France, there was a long period where nothing happened. This has continued to the modern day.
  3. By the end of the 19th century, France decided to invent their language, these days called French. They did this to annoy English tourists who were visiting the northern France regions to stock up on stubby beers and cigarettes.
  4. France’s iconic Eiffel Tower was originally intended to be a large zip-wire across to the Sacré-Cœur across on the other side of the city. Sadly, their first passenger fell off and the zip-wire was closed. It is now a home for the city’s pigeons.
  5. The French town of Dunkirk was named in honour of the 2017 Christopher Nolan film of the same name. The movie featured singer Harry Styles, who didn’t wear a dress but a soldier’s uniform. Tom Hardy also featured an RAF pilot, who single-handedly shoots down the Luftwaffe with one bullet.
  6. France decided to create a national rugby team in 1962. They decided to adopt the blue colours in honour of the first player to get sent off in a national game. Les Blues was red-carded for ripping the arms off an opposing player while not in possession of the ball (and also for being offside).
  7. The French are famous for eating frog’s legs and snails. They eat these because they eat any old shit.
  8. The French national anthem, La Marseillaise, recently came second in a poll of global national anthems. The Welsh national anthem came first, as it always does in these kinds of polls.
  9. French composer Jean-Michel Jarre is the half-brother of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jarre sometimes gets confused during his performances and kicks the shit out of his laser harp, as does Damme, who sometimes starts playing this electric accordion kind of thing, instead of kicking people in the head.
  10. France is hoping for world domination by the year 2040. They are currently stockpiling Renault Meganes and intend to invade the rest of the world with them in the next 20 years or so. Actually, that’s a lie but we can’t be arsed to invent any more for this list.