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Ireland to arrive on open top bus

open-top-bus

Ireland will arrive at the Principality Stadium this afternoon on an open top bus.

The Irish team, who aren’t fans of roofs, said that they wanted to embrace the great Welsh weather.

A spokesman for Team Ireland said:

“We don’t like roofs now, no we don’t. We were going to come on a normal bus der, but we tort that we’d be better orf coming in on a bus wit no roof. Roofs are far tew over-rated these days so we tort we’d like to see what da Welsh wedder’s got in store for us and embrace it so. We are looking forward to beating Wales at ta game today.”

A Welsh bus company has confirmed that Team Ireland have hired an open top bus for the day.

“We’ve only got one open top bus and that’s because Terry drove it under a low bridge a few weeks ago and ripped the roof off of it.”





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Psychic saveloy predicts Grand Slam for Wales

A psychic saveloy sausage has predicted a Welsh win over Ireland and a resulting Grand Slam for Wales on Saturday.

The sausage, which has already correctly predicted the fall of the Berlin Wall and the death of Michael Jackson, correctly predicted a win over England a few weeks ago.

Owner Ian Gullible told WalesOnCraic:

“This saveloy sausage has been my guide and mentor for the last 30 years or so. Whenever I need a question answered, I consult my sausage, unless it’s a question about capital cities of the world which my sausage is shit at. The sausage predicts a huge win for Wales at Cardiff this weekend – I know this game is an important one for you Welshies which is why I am offering a personal one-on-one sausage consultation for any Welsh fans for an hourly rate of £50.”

Ian won’t reveal how the sausage predicts future events.

“I like to confirm the prediction once it’s happened,” he said.





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MPs vote to drag shitshow past 29th March

MPs in Westminster have voted to ask the EU of they can drag this Brexshit on past 29th March.

If agreed by the EU, it means that the UK can continue the shitshow that’s been going on for several years now.

A Westminster spokesman said:

“We are really earning our money here, debating every possible thing that we can think of that will never get settled. We’ve got red-faced gammons going mental in one corner and Remoaners over in the other corner arguing all the time. And to be quite frank, we’re quite enjoying it. Our MPs have therefore voted to ask the EU if we can drag this on longer.”

One Brexiteer who didn’t want to be named said:

“The British people have spoken and we just want the politicians we voted in to sort it out asap. I’m desperate for my blue passport and my bendy bananas because that’s what it’s all about.”





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Ireland politely asked not to spoil Saturday’s party

Ireland have officially been asked not to spoil the party on Saturday.

Welsh rugby bosses sent a letter to the Ireland team on Tuesday, politely asking them to ‘lose by about 15 points’.

A spokesman for Welsh Rugby said:

“We’ve won four out of four games and back in the old days, that would have been enough to win a Grand Slam. This Ireland game has got all our arses twitching and it’s too close to call whether we are going to win or not. We’ve taken the initiative and politely asked Ireland to take a dive on this one. They’ve got nothing to lose as they’re not really in the mix are they? It’ll mean that we can have a great night on Saturday and we can all go home happy.”

A spokesman for Irish rugby confirmed that they’d received the letter earlier this week.

“We got dat letter der now so we did.”





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Steak and Blow Job Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

So-called Steak and BlowJob day is passing quietly for vegetarian lesbians, who refer to it as just ‘Thursday’.

Steak and BlowJob Day is a day invented by big macho men who like to celebrate their hunting prowess and masculinity. It calls for steaks to be cooked and blowjobs to be given.

But for some, it’s just Thursday.

One woman who was not participating in the day told WalesOnCraic:

“What the frig is all that about? Eat a bit of cow sinew and have your stinking tool sucked by your missis? That’s very manly isn’t it? I’ll just be spending the day like I normally do – sitting around my house, watching telly and cleaning my living room. For me, it’s just another Thursday.”

One lad said:

“I’ve been waiting for this day all year since the last one. I haven’t had a BJ for a whole year now. In fact last year, my missis told me where to go when I asked her for one and had to get the dog to do it. He didn’t seem to mind.”

Steak and BJ Day has been billed as the Valentine’s Day for men.





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Combined power of fans’ lucky underwear can bring Slam home

grits

Welsh rugby fans are being told to wash their lucky underwear in advance of this weekend’s showdown with Ireland.

Welsh coaches are hoping that the combined might of the nation’s lucky underwear can bring the Grand Slam for Wales.

A spokesman for the WRU said:

“We can’t get everything right, as evidenced by the massive balls up we made last week with the regions. What we can be sure about is the power of the lucky underwear, which has seen us through many tough games in the past. We are encouraging all Welsh fans to wash their lucky underwear ahead of the big game. While the boys will be doing their best on the pitch, and the fans cheering them on in the stadium, we can all get our lucky grits on to help. If we can come together like this as a country, who knows where we’ll end up.”

The last time Wales pulled together in the lucky underwear department was when Wales reached the semi-finals of the Euros in 2016.

“Sadly, a few people were so excited that they forgot to put them on for the Portugal game and that was that.”





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Woman cleans house before cleaner comes around

A woman from Cardiff has cleaned her house from top to bottom ahead of the arrival of a new cleaner.

Betty Bumflaps has hired a new cleaner to clean her house but felt that she had to clean the house before the arrival of the cleaner to clean the house.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I simply don’t have the time to clean the house these days. I’ve got three messy kids and one messy husband who never cleans up for himself. I thought I’d take the plunge and pay £20 a week to a cleaner to come in and do it for me. But then I looked around my house and realised that it was a proper shithole. I knew then that I had to clean the house before the cleaner came over. My house is so clean now that the cleaner won’t have anything to do when she gets here. I don’t know why I’m paying the silly woman £20.”

Cleaner Ethel Sparklytits said:

“I’m going anyway. I’ve got a 24 hour cancellation policy and she can’t go pulling out on me now, clean house or not. I’ve got a fat husband and an addiction to bingo to feed.”





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Wheelie bins blown over as Storm Freya rips into Wales

Several wheelie bins have been blown over in Wales as strong winds continue to batter Wales.

Reports from North Wales indicate that some garden chairs have also been blown over, bringing chaos and misery to Welsh residents.

Barry Belch from Birchgrove in Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“I had to put them out the night before last because it was bin day yesterday. Of course, once they’ve been emptied by the bin men, they’re a law unto themselves and if the wind gets catch of them, then we’re all in big trouble. My bin went down but we’re a strong family and we’re staying strong for each other.”

Glenda Sparklytits from Tredegar said:

“It was awful. I was lying in bed last night having a shag when all of a sudden, there was this huge clatter from outside the house. While my husband was going hell for leather, all I could worry about was whether my black bins had tumbled out on to the pavement.”

Strong winds look set to feature across Wales this weekend. Residents have been warned to put their wheelie bins in places that are unlikely to see it being blown over.





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Man wakes up with Momo after night out in Newport

A man is receiving counselling after waking up with Momo after a night out in Newport.

The man, who didn’t want to be named, thinks he may have taken part in the Momo Challenge.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I was having a lovely sleep after a night out in Zooport and I felt myself coming around. Before I opened my eyes, I could feel that someone was in my bed and I honestly thought that I’d pulled. I opened my eyes, expecting to see a beautiful blonde in front of me and was confronted by one of the Newport regulars. I shat myself there and then. She told me to throw myself out of my window but to be honest, I’d pre-empted her and threw myself out as far as I could.”

The Momo Challenge has appeared on several good TV shows, and some crap ones.





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First outbreak of flip flops spotted in Wales

Wales has seen its first outbreak of flip flops this year.

Several yellow, gnarly toes were spotted in coastal areas as well as some city locations.

A spokeswoman for the Welsh Government told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been on high alert for this since last week and have put all precautions into place to try and stem the tide of this kind of outbreak. We have spotters all over the country and with the rise in temperature this week, it’s been inevitable that we’d get a few calls. So far, flip flops seem to be mainly confined to coastal areas but we did have a few reports of sightings in city centres. We have put our Flip Flop Action teams on standby to arrest any wearers and to warn them that they are committing a public disorder offence if caught.”

Flip flops are usually associated with unsightly toes, especially among the male population.

The footwear was invented by French shoe-maker Philippe Fillop.