Posted on

Jeremy Kyle seeking sales assistant position in Trago Mills

Former TV star Jeremy Kyle is reportedly seeking a job at Trago Mills.

The store’s recruitment department received an application for a sales assistant post earlier this week.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We can confirm that we have received an application form from Mr Kyle for one of our sales assistant posts. We can also confirm that Mr Kyle will be subject to a lie detector test about his previous roles, and this will be broadcast on national television. Furthermore, Mr Vile will be subject to incessant ranting from one of our holier-than-thou members of staff and this will also be broadcast on national television. Should he fail the lie detector test, Mr Kyle will be subject to verbal abuse from our customers.”

Mr Kyle was unavailable for comment but one member of the show’s staff said that he was last seen prowling a local Council estate, looking for someone to give him a job.

Posted on

Cardiff No-Car Day causes gridlock


Cardiff’s No-Car Day has caused gridlock across the capital.

Experts say that cars have been backed up ‘quite far’ as motorists attempted to get to the event.

One eye-witness said:

“It looked a good idea so we threw the kids in the car and told them that we were going to experience Cardiff like you wouldn’t normally experience it – without cars. So we all piled in and as soon as we got near to the city centre, you could see the cars backed up. I’m pretty sure that you could have seen the queues from space but don’t quote me on that because I’m not in space and can’t verify that.”

Planners say that roads across the city have been shut off to all traffic, except for cyclists, who are exempt from the Highway Code.

A spokesman said:

“We were expecting millions to turn up but they can’t get in because we’ve shut all the roads off so we’ll try again next year.”

Posted on

Royal baby to be named ‘Legoland Windsor’

Harry and Meghan have announced that the Royal baby is to be named Legoland Windsor.

The news came as the Royal couple announced news that Meghan has blasted a baby boy out of her front bum.

A Royal spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Harry and Meghan have been struggling for days to think up a name. They were originally toying with the idea of Troy Windsor for a boy and Barbara Windsor for a girl but they decided that they wanted something with more urban appeal. They decided, in the end, to stick to Legoland Windsor be because that way, the Royal baby would be signposted on the M4.”

The new baby will be seventh in line to the throne, behind his or her grandfather Prince Charles, father Prince William and brother Prince George. Probably. Can’t be arsed to check.

Royal fan Brenda FatAnkles told WalesOnCraic:

“Me and my butty are driving up to London now to see if we can get a view of the new baby coming out of hospital. I’ve bought myself a periscope so I can see over people’s heads – there are no flies on me sunshine.”

Posted on

Have you seen the Welsh Game of Thrones?


Winter is coming.

Actually, that’s a lie. It’s been and gone. But Wales does now have its own fantasy drama/comedy, courtesy of The Great Big Welsh Sketch Show.

‘That’s My Chair, That Is’ is a comedy web series of the popular Game of Thrones but set in Wales.

Just like the aforementioned HBO hit, this version follows the stories of the different houses and their journey to The Great Chair. 

Although it isn’t just the other houses who are their enemies, as a new threat looms over Wales…

Creator Sean Rhys-James told WalesOnCraic:

“I am a Welsh actor and comedy writer, and founder of The Great Big Welsh Sketch Show.

“Two years ago I began writing ‘That’s My Chair’ with the goal of eventually getting to film it.

“After moving back home from London and saving up some money I finally managed to create the pilot episode, completely self-funded and with a lot of favours from young Welsh talent.”

Sean has written an entire series:

“I would love for everyone to see it, but for that to happen I will need funding,” he says.

“There’s a GoFundMe page set up for episode 2 – – which has already started well but still needs support. Anything from £1 to £100 is all welcome. 

“If you can’t spare any change then please give it a watch and share it. The more eyes on it the better my chances of creating further episodes.”

Here’s hoping for more episodes!

WalesOnCraic does not accept any liability for copyright infringement of this video

Posted on

Ben Fogle to film in Bedlinog


Adventurer Ben Fogle is to shoot a new episode of New Lives In The Wild in Bedlinog.

Fogle will spend a week with Betty Bumflaps, who lives alone in a one-bedroomed terrace.

Ben told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve travelled to remote corners of the globe to experience extreme lifestyles with those who have left modern-day amenities behind. What I never realised was that we had such places so close to home. My research team have been to see Betty already and they’ve come back with tales of snake belts and Corona pop. We won’t be filming there until next spring because the roads are impassable at the moment. I’ll be spending a week with Betty and finding out just how she does it.”

Betty moved to Bedlinog in 1993. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I had a successful career working in Greggs in Ponty but my life never suited me. One day, I decided to pack my life up and go live alone in Bedlinog. That’s where I’ve been since. I don’t regret it one bit. I don’t miss serving steak bakes or chocolate flake fancies to the fat twats in my old world. Here, it’s just me and Arfon Haines Davies. On the telly of course.”

Posted on

Beluga ‘spy’ was looking for Salisbury Cathedral


A beluga whale that was allegedly working on behalf of the Russian spy agency has told the media that he was just looking for Salisbury Cathedral.

The whale was found by Norwegian fishermen and was apparently armed with an AK-47 and a Tourists’ Guide to Salisbury.

The whale told reporters:

“I’ve heard about this legendary cathedral that you have in Salisbury. Its tower measures a wonderful 123 metres into the air. I set off from St Petersburg three weeks ago and I think I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere along the line. The next thing I know, I’m swimming alongside some fishermen who turn out to be Norwegian. They were very kind and fed me some of their fish and they also patted me on the nose. They were concerned about some strapping that I had around me but I like to keep my tourist guides strapped in there so I can reach it with ease.”

One of the Norwegian fishermen said something but it was in Norwegian so we didn’t know what he said.

The beluga whale has said that some of his dolphin mates have also been to Hereford, where they were looking to join the SAS.

Posted on

Weather experts predict warm weather this summer

Wales can expect warm weather this summer, according to latest reports.

Weather experts say that summer will be warmer than winter and that we may have to wear sunglasses on some days.

Ken Armchair of the Amateur Weather Forecasters Club said:

“We’ve been seeing this pattern emerging for some time now. It seems to get cold in the winter and by summer, we’re seeing temperatures really rise. Last year, things got very warm in the summer months and this led to what we call a ‘heatwave’, which was a prolonged period of time where it was quite warm. Whilst I can’t guarantee that we’ll have another one this year, the likelihood of us having warmer weather is significant. Being a very wise person, I’ve already ordered a fan off Amazon, before the weather picks up and they start hiking the prices up. My wife doesn’t like having the fan on in her bedroom but she smells a bit when she sweats and I can’t go having that again this year. It was bad enough last year.”

Experts predict that the warm weather may see people having to wear sunglasses on some days.

“I don’t doubt that we’ll see it,” said Armchair. “Again, I’m fully prepared so bring it on.”

Posted on

Flower pots and patio chairs in Storm Hannah warning


Several plant pots across the UK are expected to topple over the weekend as Storm Hannah unleashes 500mph winds and rain.

Members of the public have been advised that some patio chairs may also blow over onto their side.

WalesOnCraic’s resident weather expert, Derek the Weathersheep said:

“I’ve checked my charts and this looks like we could be in for a rough ride. The last time I saw pressure so low was when Farmer Honey got a puncture on his tractor. Wales can expect winds of up to 500mph, increasing to over 900mph in exposed parts. We cannot stress enough the danger that this poses to plant pots and patio chairs. In some areas, wheelie bins could move around slightly, causing panic among the elderly. I would recommend stocking up on Malted Milk biscuits, tea and coffee, and seeing this one out at home. Here at Honey Farm, we’re all just going to get naked in the barn and give each other a damn good seeing to.”

Local council workers have been put on alert to right any wheelie bins that have fallen over.”

Posted on

Plumber turns up on time


A plumber from Cardiff has successfully turned up when he said he was going to.

Steven Youbend turned up at 8.30am on the dot, taking resident Gladys ThunderNorks off guard.

Gladys told WalesOnCraic:

“He told me 8.30am but I took that to mean ‘some time in the afternoon’. I was still in bed when I heard a knock at the door. At first, I thought I was dreaming but then the knock came again. I managed to get myself downstairs and open the door and there he was. I look at my watch and it was 8.30 on the dot. I wasn’t sure whether it was 8.30am or 8.30pm but he happily said Good Morning and then showed me his massive toolbox. Before I knew it, he was down on his knees fixing my plumbing before I could even make a coffee.”

Eyewitnesses have confirmed that the plumber did arrive at 8.30. Neighbour Jim James said:

“I always like to spy on Gladys because she has a very interesting life and I noted in my log book that this plumber turned up. It was only later when I played back the secret CCTV that I have installed in her house that I found out that he was on time. I was very impressed.”

Posted on

Woman accidentally washes off weekend’s tan in the shower

A woman from Treherbert has washed off the tan she caught in her garden yesterday.

Eileen Bulge spent hours working on her tan in her garden over the weekend. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I was looking lush yesterday and I look like shit today. I spent hours and hours in my garden, working hard on my tan and look what goes and happens. I’m going to write to my local paper about this. I was hoping to seduce Tony my husband with my new tan. I jumped in the shower so that I was nice and clean and now I’m as pale as a ghost. It’s just not on.”

Husband Tony said:

“I couldn’t care less. I’m off down the pub at 8 o’clock to meet the lads.”