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Weather Saturday 19th January

A bit of a mixed bag with outbreaks of rain, sunshine, hail and possibly a rumble of thunder. Feeling a little warmer than of late. Maximum temperature 8°C.

Down on the farm, we were shocked to hear that Prince Philip had crashed his Land Rover. At the age of 97, we thought he’d be running around in a mobility scooter. Still – that’s what being a Royal means. You can run around driving whatever you want and not giving a Royal shit.


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This woman’s Ginuary is going very well

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A woman from Holywell is celebrating over two weeks of a perfect Ginuary.

Gladys Slckflaps has managed to drink gin for 18 consecutive days since the New Year.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I was up..hang on…have you got my coat? I put it…oh there it is. Are you coming home with us? I’ve got some more back at my house. No. My house. What? Yes. No. 18 days? Yes that’s me. Yes sir! Show my your knickers. I want a kebab. Where can I get a kebab? Would you order me a kebab? They deliver them. None of that salad shit. No. I need some more gin. Have you got my handbag? I left it…oh there it is. Is my purse in there? There’s a tenner in there. It’s in there. Just look. Oh no. You’re right. It’s in my bra.”

Husband Terry said:

“I’m very proud of her keeping this up. If she can get to the end of the month, we’ll be getting that divorce we always wanted.”


Image: Landii

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Coffee shops to receive training on how to write Welsh names correctly

Coffee shops across Wales are to receive training on how to spell Welsh names correctly.

At present, coffee shop staff just write any old shit on the side of takeaway coffees.

Anne Harrod, spokeswoman for the Association of Coffee Shops And Stuff told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve become aware of the problem over the last few years. Some of our staff are unfamiliar with some of your wonderful Welsh names so our staff just write what they think they heard. We need to let them know that there is no shame in asking them to spell out the names. We’ve still got 2,000 cups of unclaimed coffee waiting at some of our shops. We’ve asked some people to come in to give our staff some training. They’ll also be teaching them how to smile and be polite too.”

Glyn Guttermouth of the Welsh Names Federation said:

“I’ve been called all sorts over the last few years. Mostly arsehole though.”


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Duke of Edinburgh was ‘doing donuts’ in his Land Rover before accident

The Duke of Edinburgh was reportedly doing donuts in his Land Rover, shortly before he was involved in a road traffic accident.

The Duke was uninjured in the accident but he did reportedly swear at the emergency services.

One eye-witness said:

“There was this old geezer who came flying down the road at about 60mph. The next thing we know, he’s slamming on the handbrake and doing donuts all over the shop. He must have done at least 10 of them before he hit a car and went rolling off down the road. We went over to see him and he was fine. Then the ambulance turned up and he started shouting a bit.”

A spokeswoman for the Royal Family said:

“This is complete bollocks. The Duke would never do donuts in his Land Rover. He only does them in his Jag.”


Image: Northern Ireland Office

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Wylfa Power Station to be converted into children’s playground

wylfa

Owners of Wylfa Newydd have announced that the nuclear power station will be converted into a children’s playground.

It follows news that the highly-anticipated Hitachi deal went spectacularly tits up.

A spokesman said:

“Following the news today that Hitachi won’t be developing the site, we’ve decided to give back to the community and convert the site into a children’s playground. We’ve got a few slides and swings in a lock-up in Bangor that we’re going to use and we’d also like to bring back a Witch’s Hat. A few kids fell off them and broke their arms back in the 1980s but that’s ok. That’ll be nothing compared to the radiation.”

The new playground is expected to open in 2020 with Kanye West penciled in to cut the ribbon.


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Calls for Nigel Owens to be made the new Speaker of the House

Calls are being made to install Welsh referee Nigel Owens as the new Speaker of the House of Commons.

Owens’ take-no-shit approach would be well suited to bringing squabbling politicians to order, say supporters.

A spokesman for the Get-Our-Nigel-In-To-Sort-This-Shit-Out-Coalition told WalesOnCraic:

“Nige is the ideal candidate. He’s handsome, he’s authoritative and he’ll sort out those unruly MPs out in a matter of minutes. He’s not the sort to just stand there, shouting ‘Order’ and hoping that they’ll all listen. Oh no. Not Nige. Before they even start debating, he’ll call them all around in a huddle and lay down the Law Of Nigel. If anyone steps out of line, he’ll be there, stopping proceedings, taking them to one side and explaining to them in no uncertain terms that he’s not having it. He’s been doing it for years and if he can handle 30 burly rugby players all at once, he can definitely handle a group of scabby politicians.”

A spokeswoman for Parliament said:

“We have received a letter from supporters asking Mr Owens to be installed as Speaker. At the moment, we’re all down the pub wondering what to do next so once our heads have cleared, we’ll have a look at it.”


Image: Florian Christoph

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Theresa May ‘considering sales assistant position in Trago Mills’

The-lovely-Therea-May

Embattled Prime Minister Theresa May is reportedly considering taking up a position in Trago Mills.

May has indicated to close colleagues that she would rather sell discounted household sundries than continue struggling with Brexshit negotiations.

A spokesman for Downing Street told WalesOnCraic:

“I think she’s had a gutsful to be honest. She’s getting shat at from all angles and just wants a job that she can switch off from when she comes home. She’s aware of a few sales assistant roles that are coming up in the next few weeks so she’s told us to keep an eye out for them. Theresa has worked her bollocks off over the last few months to try and keep everyone happy but I think she’s come to the conclusion that she can’t. Selling a discounted mop and bucket set sounds like a dream job in her eyes and we’re all hoping that these positions are going to become available.”

May was voted down in tonight’s Brexshit vote, meaning that no one knows what the fuck to do next.

Image: Kuhlmann / MSC

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David Cameron ‘chillin’ in ‘beefa’ while Brexshit continues

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Master of Chaos, David Cameron is reportedly relaxing in Ibiza while the shitstorm that is Brexit continues at home.

Cameron has been spotted with his trotters up and drinking a vodka and Fanta on an Ibizan beach.

An eye-witness told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m pretty sure it was him. He was asking one of the local barmaids where the nearest pig farm was and started talking about his days at Eton. He ordered a vodka and Tango and went and sat on the beach to relax. He’s been on his phone a lot so I’m sure he’s just keeping up with the fallout of the can of whoop-ass he opened. A little earlier, he’d been fishing but the only thing he caught was a shopping trolley that’d goe floating by.”

In Westminster meanwhile, MPs and other very important people are preparing to vote. One MP told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve got no idea what’s going on. I’m just going to go in there, put an X somewhere on the sheet and hope for the best.”

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Andy Murray gets job at JD Sports

Andy-Murray

Former tennis No.1 Andy Murray has landed himself a new job as a counter assistant at JD Sports.

The Scottish player starts his new job on Monday and will be able to offer customers expert advice on big white daps.

A spokeswoman for JD Sports said:

“We were very sorry to see Andy retiring. We loved it when he pumped his fists like Tiger Tim used to back in the day. As soon as we’d heard that he was out of the Australian tournament, we gave him a ring and offered him a position in our Scotland branch. We’ll pair him up with Kylie and we’ll get him till trained so that he can start serving customers as soon as he can. We know that Andy will be able to offer our customers the very best advice when it comes to large white trainers and sweatbands, which we sell a lot of in the first week in July.”

A spokesman for Mr Murrayd said:

“This is the first we’ve heard about it to be honest. We think someone somewhere’s telling a little porky.”


Image: johnwnguyen

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Noel Edmonds called in to sort out Brexit Deal or No Deal

Bearded TV celebrity Noel Edmonds has been called in to sort out the Government’s latest Brexit problems.

Ministers are hoping that his experience in securing deals for fucktwits can help their Brexit negotiations.

A spokesman for the Government in Westminster told WalesOnCraic:

“Noel brings a wealth of experience in getting things done – he was single-handedly responsible for Noel’s House Party back in the 90s and in later years, he has proved himself to be an expert in pacing around, dragging out any negotiations that could have been sorted in less than 5 minutes. We do hope that he’ll bring along Mr Blobby too – we could do with some light-hearted japes and a bit of bants around the place at the moment as we’re all a bit fed up of things to be honest.”

A spokesman for Mr Edmonds said:

“After Noel’s recent exploits in the jungle, we are sure that he can deftly deal with snakes and other such creatures that he’s likely to come across.”