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7 incredible, amazing, you-must-read click-bait facts about Welsh valley villages!

1 Welsh valley villages are only found in Wales… although there is rumoured to be a little-known community called Cwmbackhome in the French Pyrenees thought to be populated by Welsh football fans who failed to return home from the 2016 Euros. (Reports of Welsh villages in Patagonia are elaborate lies made up by S4C film crews anxious to jet off on a jolly to South America to make fictional documentaries).

2 Welsh valley villages are generally found on the side of mountains, although there are several special ‘pretend’ villages in our cities for people who are posh and don’t like walking up hills.

3 Welsh valley villages were invented by Gren and populated entirely by cartoon characters and sheep.

4 A Welsh valley village must have a boarded-up pub, rugby pitch and clubhouse, Spar, drug dealer, a chapel converted to flats, a school under threat of closure and several houses joined together.

5 Tribalism is very important and every valleys village has two sworn enemies… the villages either side of it.

6 A true Welsh valley village has at least 3 streets with gradients of 1 in 10 where wheelie bins have to be parked at 90 degrees angles to the kerb to prevent them from rolling away.

7 Every Welsh valley village has someone whose grandmother once snogged Tom Jones behind the social club.

Welsh cultural historian Dai Yesterday told Walesoncraic, ‘The first Welsh valley villages were built ages ago, before the council stuck their noses into planning, so they are all to fuck.

‘They decided to build them on hillsides so that all the shit would roll away into the river below; that’s why you always have the big posh houses on the top of the village.

‘They have enjoyed a boom of late thanks to the media flocking to them to report on how crap life is there. This has resulted in an influx in earnings thanks to the ransom money paid for their safe return. This only backfired once when one local gang, The Terry Cobner Terrace Crew, had to pay the Western Mail a fiver to take their reporter, Tefion Typo, back.’

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15 things you never knew about St David, patron saint of Wales

We all know and love St David as the cwtchy patron saint of our lovely country. But did you know that he once held the world record for jumping over 17 double decker buses on a motorbike before Evil Kenevil showed up? Ah, well there you are. Here are some more facts about the man they (the really Welshy ones) called Dewi Sant.

1. St David was born in Bedlinog in 1066. Dave was a heavy baby, weighing in a 3 stone 4lbs at birth. His mother Enog was as surprised as everyone else when she suddenly gave birth in church one Sunday morning. As she later told friends and family, ‘I was pushing a stubborn fart out and honestly thought I’d followed through.’
2. He was baptised Colin Justin Jones but changed his first name to Saint after watching The Saint on telly.
3. David was a popular child because he owned lots of marbles. He won these after playing lots of other kids and a local championship. He was also good at the game of conkers until one swung round and hit him in the eye. David lost the sight in the eye until he was kicked by a horse, when he regained full 20/20 vision.
4. David attended a nearby school but dropped out at the age of 13 because he found it boring. David later said that he should have stayed and done his exams like a good boy.
5. His first job was gutting fish in a local chip shop. He earned £2 an hour and worked 5.30-10.30, Monday to Fridays and on Saturday afternoons.
6. He first had the calling to join the ministry after falling down a well. He fell 300ft to the bottom but was rescued by a passing otter. David was convinced that it was a sign of God.
7. He joined his local church and became ordained as a deacon at the age of 23. He said ‘it was either that or join the Navy and go fighting Vikings but I didn’t fancy that much.’
8. After seven years of preaching non-stop, a dove landed on his shoulder. David believed that it was another sign from God and decided to become a saint. He attended St. Saints School of Saints and graduated as a saint three years later.
9. After watching an episode of Hi-Di-Hi, David took a fancy to Welsh actress Ruth Madoc. He wrote her lots of fan mail, to which she never replied. As a way of attracting her attention, David decided to become the patron saint of Wales. Ruth dated him for 3 weeks but eventually ditched him because he had smelly feet.
10. After the separation, David went to live in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights. It wasn’t by choice – he’d got lost trying to make his way home from the local pub after drowning his sorrows.
11. St David opened a shopping centre in the capital city of Wales which opened in 1982. He named it after himself, as he did with the second phase build in 2009. As outright owner, he gets free parking after 5pm.
12. St David once held the world record for jumping over 17 double decker buses on a motorbike before Evil Kenevil showed up on the scene. St David’s stunt motorbike resides in the National Museum of Wales in Cardiff.
13. St David’s favourite food was Chicken Jalfrezi.
14. He had three brothers and three sisters, all called David.
15. I can’t think of any more.

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How to recreate the Glastonbury experience at home

Don’t feel left out that all your cultured friends have taken themselves to Glastonbury for a few days. You can recreate the same experience at home. WalesOnCraic shows you how:

  1. Sit in your car for 27 hours to get yourself in the mood for the greatest festival on earth.
  2. Head back into your house and turn on all the taps to flood the entire house. You may want to fill a pair of wellies with some mud from your back garden.
  3. Put on MTV and then get your friends to sit in front of the TV so you can’t see it.
  4. Stay like this for three days, sleeping with the TV on full blast while you try and sleep on the [flooded] floor.
  5. Keep your phone battery level between 1-10%.
  6. Post pictures to Facebook pretending that you’re having fun.
  7. Warm up some Skol lager or cider in a saucepan and serve in plastic tumblers.
  8. Take a piss in your front garden but try not to take a dump for the next three days.
  9. Rip up several hundred pounds worth of cash and place at bottom of toilet.
  10. Refuse to wash and occasionally wash your hands with a baby wipe or something similar.
  11. Talk about how you can’t wait to come back next year but secretly book a holiday to Mexico.
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15 Things You Never Knew About Welsh Footballer Gareth Bale

He’s the most expensive footballer in the world. He’s currently leading Wales on a winning streak to the top of their Euro group. But here are 15 things you never knew about the Cardiff-born superstar (probably because we made them all up)

1. Gareth was a heavy child, weighing in at a mighty 3st 4lb. His mother, unaware of her pregnancy, was visibly shaken after giving birth in the space of just three minutes. She told the ambulance crew that she ‘thought she’d shat herself’.

2. Gareth has two middle names – Gareth and Bale. If he were to write out his full name, he would write out Gareth Gareth Bale Bale.

3. At the age of 2, Gareth could juggle three hoovers and a teapot. He was all set to appear on Opportunity Knocks but he got stuck in traffic on the way to the studio and was replaced by a talking shoe.

4. When Gareth started school, he famously told his teacher that he would one day be the most expensive football player in world rugby. His teacher scoffed at him, telling him that when Gareth did become the most expensive player in world rugby, he’d eat his own feet. He now owns fibreglass feet that he can attach when he needs to walk anywhere.

5. Gareth’s best friend in school was a boy called Rhodri, who was scared of the rain. Out playing in the playground one morning, Rhodri got caught in a shower and cried like some big pussy. Gareth, ever the hero, lifted Rhodri over his shoulder and carried him to the safety of the classroom.

6. Gareth started playing football at the age of 5. By the age of 6, he already had three caps for Southampton and had the interest of Tottenham Hotspur.

7. At the age of 9, Gareth had an operation to remove some of the magic dust that had accumulated in his feet. It was sold on to other footballers who were a bit shit.

8. Gareth’s first girlfriend was a girl called Tina. Tina proposed to him outside Top Gun chip shop in Whitchurch but he didn’t hear her because he was too busy munching on a Clark’s Pie.

9. Gareth is an avid collector of cacti. It stems from his love of Stickle Bricks as a kid and likes to stick them together to make shapes.

10. Gareth got his first cap for Wales when he was 16. He scored 9 goals in a famous Welsh win over Brazil.

11. Gareth can play any position in a football team but tries to avoid being a goalkeeper ‘because it’s boring as fuck’. When he does play in goal, he lets all the balls go in so that all his team mates tell him to get back out and play somewhere else.

12. Gareth has been married three times.

13. Gareth hopes to visit the moon one day. He once told the press that ‘it looks nice there’.

14. One of Gareth’s more annoying habits is to fart whenever he smiles. He doesn’t do it on purpose. There is a medical name for it but we don’t know what it’s called.

15. Gareth can score goals from more than three miles away from a set of goal posts. His shots at goal have been recorded at travelling at more than 300mph and he can change the direction of the ball once it’s left his feet by telepathy.

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15 Things Your Teacher Taught You That’s A Load Of Hairy Bollocks

Teachers think they know it all don’t they? Well here’s 15 things they probably told you that’s a load of hairy bollocks

1. Humans have five senses.
That’s bollocks. We actually have more like 20 – including pain, hunger, thirst and balance.

2. Bulls hate the colour red.
Bulls are actually colour blind. The reason they react to a bullfighter’s cloth is because they perceive it as a threat. Sadly, the threat is the big fuck-off sword that the dickhead bullfighter is hiding behind the cloth.

3. Adding salt to the water in your saucepan makes it boil quicker.
That’s a load of big hairy bollocks. Go on. Test it.

4. Shaving doesn’t make hair grow back denser.
It just feels rougher because it now has flat edges where it was cut.

5. Goldfish have a 3 second memory span.
That’s a lie. It’s more about 3 months.

6. Bananas grow on trees.
Nope. They grow on large herbs that look very much like trees.

7. The Great Wall Of China can be seen from space.
A big load of bollocks. Unless you’ve got some super-duper spy capability on board.

8. Dogs sweat by panting.
Another load of bollocks. They sweat through their footpads. They actually regulate their temperature by panting.

9. Different parts of the tongue taste different things.
Not true.

10. We only use 10% of our brain.
TOWIE stars aside, we do use all of our brain, depending on the task we are doing.

11. You lose heat through your head.
Only applicable to babies and people with massive heads.

12. Vikings wore horned helmets.
Another myth. They were actually invented for a Wagner opera.

13. Sugar makes kids hyperactive.
Clinically proven to be a load of bollocks.

14. Caffeine dehydrates you.
It does to a certain extent but this is made up for with the actually liquid in the coffee.

15.Black holes.
They aren’t holes. Just incredibly dense objects with a gravitational pull so strong that even light can’t get out.

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5 Legends of Cardiff’s Queen Street

Cardiff’s Queen Street has been home to many an enduring legend. But how many of these do you remember?

Toy Mic Trev

Cardiff’s public soon took Toy Mic Trevor to their hearts when he appeared in a doorway outside Boots in the late 1990s.

Wooing the crowd with his own unique versions of Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Tom Jones and Elvis, Trev would belt out all the hits into his toy microphone. Often looking more bemused than his onlookers, Trev became a true Cardiff legend, even spawning his own fan website. He even sang the opening song to one of Cardiff’s music festivals one year.

Sadly, Queen Street has never been the same since he packed up his toy microphone and headed off into the sunset. Pretenders have come and gone but no-one has ever topped the singing legend that was Toy Mic Trev.

See Toy Mic Trev in action here

Shaky Hand Man

He would catch you out when you thought you were safe. Maybe you were enjoying a coffee. Maybe you were waiting for a friend. But he’d always get you. First time round, you’d think that he was just being nice.

“Hello. Pleased to meet you.” He’d hold out the hand of friendship. Then he’d ask you for some money.

You couldn’t say no. And he’d do it again and again and again, all over the town, probably making millions of pounds as he did. Sadly, he is no longer with us. No-one knows how much money he made, but he enriched everyone who shook his hand. Cardiff will never forget Shaky Hand Man.

RAC man

Ian, as he was known to his friends and family, would take up position just outside St David’s Centre on Queen Street and gently tease the passers-by with strange and surreal questions.

“Stressed?”

“Hungry?”

“Are you?”

He’d often mumble questions, so that no-one could quite hear. But this was all the work of a sales genius. Expecting to be asked if they had breakdown cover, passers-by would stop to ask what he’d just said. Like a master angler, he’d reel them in and once they were in his doorway, they wouldn’t leave without joining the RAC, whether they were already in it or not.

The story goes that the RAC Man was actually sacked once for earning too much money. He worked for the AA for a while, but the RAC soon noticed the drop in new RAC members and called him back. He was such a good salesman, that he’d often sell items on nearby jewellery and mobile phone cover stands to help out the local traders. RAC man would work seven days a week, and once he’d finished on Queen Street, he’d pack up and head to the nearest Tesco where he’d work until 9 or 10pm.

Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair

God knows where he came from or where he went to. But Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair had one aim when he hit Cardiff Queen Street. Annoy the shit out of everyone so much that they’d chuck money in his hat to get him out of town. His helper would wheel him into position. He’d lay a blanket over his legs and then he’d fire up his 1980s Casio keyboard. What followed sounded like….well…it’s hard to describe. Songs would start halfway through. He’d change songs (not that you’d notice) halfway through. He’d finish songs when he’d had enough of them. Timing was not a consideration and he’d often hit the ‘Demo’ button at irregular intervals for no apparent reason.

Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair was often spotted further afield (he was once spotted ‘playing’ in Gloucester city centre) and was often moved on by police.

Ninjah

Ninjah is one of Cardiff’s true modern-day heroes. If you see a tall man with dreads looking out of place, it might be Ninjah. If he’s dressed up in full combat gear, with a gas mask on, carrying a ghetto blaster on his shoulder, it’s probably Ninjah. If you see someone playing one of the bins with drumsticks, it’ll definitely Ninjah.

He’s often spotted running around Cardiff and has been known to save several females from serious attack in and around the city centre. So the story goes.

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Top 10 Freakiest Welsh Villages

 

#10 Bedlinog

Bedlinog – The mother of all strange places.

Famous for: Throwing the banjo player from the film Deliverance out of the village because he was too normal. Webbed feet are extremely common in these parts and a carnival is held every year where they burn a resident from near by Trelewis and feed the remains to their kids. WARNING: Do not enter these parts alone, unless you have slept with your brother and sister or own an elephant gun.

#9 Fochriw

Ozzy Ozbourne was given the ‘Key To The Village’ when he bit a bat’s head off on stage. Sadly they took it back off him when Sharron did X Factor. Ozzy’s son Jack now lives in Fochriw and is a local councillor.

Famous for: Fack All.

#8  Abercwmboi

Abercwmboi is also known as ‘The Village’.

Famous for: Having possibly the ugliest people on the planet. Charles Darwin once visited Abercwmboi and stated that the creatures (locals) he witnessed wondering around the village hadn’t begun to evolve like everyone else on the planet. He confirmed in one of his books that the people of Abercwmboi had yet to evolve into apes. Two headed people are more common here than in Chernobyl.

#7 Blaenavon

“Blaenavon is where I feel most at home, I have never felt so normal living here” (John Merrick, Elephant Man) 1892.

Famous for:  Building the great wall of Blaenavon which stops the neighbouring people from Pontypool entering the village. Be warned: Blaenavon people hate outsiders.

#6 Wattstown

“This place just freaked me right out, I have never seen so many angry people with veins bursting out of their necks, and that includes my place” (Lucifer, The Devil) 2007.




Famous For: Tattoos, steroids and more steroids. Also the birth place of the Incredible Hulk.

#5 AberBargoed

Aberbargoed is stuck in a time zone. It’s been groundhog-day everyday there since the beginning of time.

Famous for: Their 5 a side football stadium which doubles as a leper colony. Expect to see dinasours still roaming in this area.

#4 Trefil

This village revolves around its rugby team which has an 8 foot long pig as its mascot (this is the truth). The pig is currently banned for biting a committee man.

Famous for: Vampires and werewolves. Also in a survey carried out by no one in particular, it was stated that there are less virgins in Trefil than anywhere else in the world.

#3 Ferndale

“I have never looked so good. I walked into a pub in Ferndale, looked around and thought – Fack me these people are ugly”
(Fred. Krugger) 1990

Famous for: Not a lot.

#2 Rassau

“The people of this village are beyond help, I ended up scrapping in the local pub and that ain’t like me” (Mother Teresa) 1992.

Famous for: Being the film location for that American series V in the 80s where people turned into lizards. Apparently half the cast still live here.

#1 Ynys Y Bwl

“If you go to this village you probably won’t ever leave” (Dai Bartlett. A white Barry White) 2007

Famous for: Having more crazy people per square metre than anywhere else in the world. And a guy called Fernato who died about 15 years ago – The legendary tale of Fernato is one we’ll save for another time.

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Top 10 Chat-Up Lines for NATO Politicians

As the NATO leaders head to Kiwis Bar for a night out after talking lots at important meetings, Ralph Coates gives them the top ten chat-up lines that the politicians will need if they are going to pull in Wales tonight.

1. Fair play to you love, you don’t sweat much for a fattie.
2. You’re like a gram of powder – I can’t stop thinking of licking you.
3. Your face is not the best, but that’s ok…I can do you from behind.
4. My feelings for you are like having the shits…I can’t hold them in.
5. I know I asked you earlier, but are you sure you’re not a gram of powder, because I think you’re going to have me up all night.
6. You must be really special darling, cos’ I don’t normally poke mingers.
7. It must be your lucky night tonight sweetheart, cos’ tonight you are going to see a nuclear weapon in action.
8. Give me one of your British quids and I’ll let you tickle my old boy.
9. I know this sounds rather shallow, but how about a back shuttle behind the Poundshop?
10. I’ve been searching for someone like you all my life…now get your laughing gear around this…

Here at WalesOnCraic, we believe that Obama and the boys will not fail if they stick by the well-tested chat up lines above. Do you know any more? The best one will receive a gobble from Mandy No-Teeth next Tuesday behind the VD Client in Pontypridd.