Posted on

WRU Hire Reinforced Concrete Nuclear Bunker Walls for Richard Hibbard to Smash Into In Training

The WRU have built reinforced nuclear bunker concrete walls for Richard Hibbard to run through in training for the Six Nations clash with England.

The Wales hooker has been struggling to find players hard enough to test Hibbard. But Welsh officials are happy with the new training facilities, recycled from an old secret nuclear bunker.

Training coach Dai Hard told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s hard as nails this guy. We did have a few Canadian Redwood trees on the paddock but he made short work of them. Luckily, we heard that a local nuclear bunker was being dismantled so we went down with a skip and nicked a few of their walls. It’s the only thing that will satisfy Hibbard’s love of smashing into things and destroying them.”

Armchair coach Jerry Fatarse was excited to hear the news. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I love watching Hibbs play. I think every one of the Welsh lads should play his style – run the fack into things very fast and to hell with the consequences. It’ll scare the shit out of the opposition.”

Wales play England this Friday at the Millennium Stadium. If you didn’t already know.

Posted on

Merthyr opens world’s first drive-thru for roiders

Merthyr has unveiled a brand new anabolic steroid drive-thru to meet the demand of local roiders.

Roids 4 U has opened just off the A470 and will allow roiders to either collect the roids in a bag or simply getting their jab by sticking their arm out their car window.

Manager Glenn ‘The Muscle’ Tippins, told WalesOnCraic:

“There’s a lot of demand for roids round here like so this is perfect if anyone just wants to come along and top up. We’ve got a full menu of roids on offer – from gels right through to the stuck you stick in your arse. We’re particularly proud to be introducing our ‘Arm Out / Roids In’ service where customers simply stick their arm out the window to get their fix. We also have a private area round near the shitters where customers can inject into their arse cheeks if they prefer.”

Councillor Jenny Slackflaps said:

“We are delighted to be bringing this kind of service to the local community. We always like to think that we are pioneers and this kind of thing will go down well with the local lads and girls.”

Posted on

Part-Time Welsh Fans Take Rugby Jerseys Out Of Storage Ahead of English Game

Part-time Welsh rugby fans have started taking their Welsh rugby jerseys out of storage this weekend, ahead of Wales’s Six Nations clash with England.

The fans, known to shy away from club games during the rest of the year, are eager to see a Welsh win over the Old Enemy when Wales take on England at the Millennium Stadium this Friday.
Fan Dennis DoubleGunt told WalesOnCraic:

“I keep my Welsh jersey in the back of my cupboard. I used to keep it at the Big Yellow Storage place but they were charging me an arm and a leg. I love this time of year when I can get interested in rugby again – even if it is only for a month or so. I’ll then go back to sitting at home watching CSI and that.”

Welsh rugby officials are hoping that the part-time fans can help boost ticket sales in the run up to this year’s World Cup.

Stan Dense said:

“We’ve got a challenge on our hands in that we’ve got two tournaments to sell this year. We’re hoping that we can rely on our part-timers to turn up when we need them.”

Posted on

New Series Of Stella Set To Contain More Usage of the Word ‘Presh’ Than Previous Series

The new series of Stella is set to contain more usage of the word ‘presh’ than all previous three series.

The popular Welsh show makes a welcome return to our screens on Friday 6th February. And fans are already setting their Sky+ boxes to record the show so that they can hear Ruth Jones say ‘presh’ in every scene.

Fan Dave Bigtoes told WalesOnCraic:

“I loves it when Stella says presh. It’s my most favourite thing in the whole world. My fantasy is to come home from work one day, find Stella in my kitchen, and for her to say “Want a cup of tea presh? I love her.”

But other fans are concerned that the show is set to clash with Wales beating England in their opening game of this year’s Six Nations.

Gareth Bonkeye said:

“I can’t miss the rugby AND Stella so I’m putting two tellies in my room so I can watch them together. Oh and Corrie’s on. Bollocks. That’s three tellies I’m going to need.”

Posted on

Cardiff Samaritans to Set Up ‘Blubber Booths’ for English Rugby Fans

The Samaritans are setting up so-called ‘Blubber Booths’ across Cardiff to allow English rugby fans to come to terms with their team’s loss to Wales next week.

The booths will include tissues, a telephone to enable fans to call their mummies, and a picture of Scott Gibbs touching down at Wembley in 1999. They will be dotted around the city next Friday.

City manager Bryn Bathwater told WalesOnCraic:

“We are expecting a lot of English fans here a week Friday and they’ll all be bitter once the game is over. With the help of the Samaritans, we are giving the English fans a chance to drown their sorrows before they head back over the Severn Bridge.”

English fan Tarquin Peacock-Smyth said:

“What, what? Cucumber sandwich old boy?”

Posted on

Thousands Demand Refunds On Bread After Snow Warning Called Off

Thousands of shoppers across Wales have returned their loaves of bread back to supermarkets after it was announced that the snow that had been forecast will miss us by a few hundred miles.

The new revised forecast says that heavy snow will affect Scotland and Northern England – which Welsh people couldn’t give two shits about.

Shop owner Yasmine Boner told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been giving out refunds all day. It’s not very nice having to give all this money away but at least my shelves are now fully stocked again.”

One shopper said:

“I bought ten loaves and five fishes. I’m a religious person and I was hoping that it might multiply overnight but nothing happened. I stayed up all night watching this crap film which starred Clint Eastwood. My wife went to bed early. She has to get to sleep before me because I snore…sorry…what was the question again?”

Posted on

Swansea’s Escape Nightclub Closes After ‘Attracting A Dangerously High Proportion of Munters’

Swansea’s popular Escape nightclub has closed its doors ‘for the foreseeable future’ after it was feared that the venue was attracting a dangerously high proportion of munters.

An announcement on the club’s Facebook page informed visitors that the iconic nightclub was closing.

Club-goer Dean Snitch told WalesOnCraic:

“I can’t believe it. True, it was full of munters, but that all worked in my favour because it meant that I could get laid easier. Where am I going to go and get my leg over now?”

Another club-goer was in floods of tears. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I loved it there. They played shit music and that but me and all my ugly friends went there. I now have to sit at home and listen to shit music with all my ugly friends. I blame the government.”

Posted on

Nimble Baking Extra Loaves to ‘Adorn Empty Supermarket Shelves When It Snows’

Bread-makers Nimble are baking extra loaves of bread to sit on empty supermarket shelves throughout the snowy weather.

British supermarkets traditionally leave loaves of Nimble bread on their shelves to indicate that the weather outside is snowy.

Nimble spokesman Jack Bee told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re received news from the Met Office that there is snow on the way. We pride ourselves on being the only loaves of bread left on shelves in snowy weather so the lads down at the bakery have been working their hairy arses off to make sure that this snowy episode is no exception. We hope to have all our loaves in store by tomorrow.”

Shopper Edith Bobblehat said:

“I can’t wait to go into store tomorrow and moan that the only bread left on the shelves is that Nimble shite. That and that shitty Danish shit.”

Posted on

Riots Break Out As Met Office Issue ‘Stock Up On Bread and Milk Warning’ for Wales

Riots have broken out across Wales as the Met Office have issued a ‘Buy Your 10 Loaves of Bread and 20 Pints of Milk’ warning.

Shoppers in many Welsh villages has clashed with riot police who have been trying to stock up on essentials themselves.

Shop owner Les ‘Les’ Grimshaw told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s been total carnage. We had one guy climbing in through the ceiling and then all of a sudden, we had thousands of people descend on our shop after the local Costcutter announced that they’d sold their last loaf of Nimble bread.”

One policeman, who was injured in the scuffles, told WalesOnCraic:

“We are human too. We need break and milk, just like the rest of them. While everyone was out front kicking the shit out of each other, me and a few of the lads were out the back, stuffing loaves in the car. We stopped short of UHT milk though because that’s shite.”

Posted on

Welsh women to get free NHS beer goggles ‘to help ugly Welsh lads get laid’

Ugly Welsh men are to be given a leg up to get their leg over after it was announced that Welsh woman will be prescribed free NHS beer goggles.

The news will come as a relief to thousands of ugly Welsh men who waste both time and money every weekend trying to get their end away.

Ugly Welsh man Scott Grimgrits told WalesOnCraic:

“My balls are like melons. I’ve been gagging to give someone a good tromboning for months now but no matter how hard I try, they always tell me that I’m too ugly and that I stink of piss. Hopefully now with these new beer goggles, I should be able to spend my weekends up to my nuts in guts.”

But the news hasn’t gone down too well with some. Gareth Boakes said:

“It’s all well and good giving the women goggles but there are some women out on a Saturday night whose faces look like they’ve been used as target practice by kids with catapults. We want some goggles too.”