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South Wales Woman Aiming To Become ONLY Woman in Wales To NOT Put Heating On Before The End of September

A South Wales woman is hoping to become the ONLY woman in Wales to NOT put her heating on before the end of September.

Alys Slenderthigh from Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“A lot of my friends are Facebooking me and telling me that they’re thinking about putting their heating on but they really are mental. I’m sticking things out till the month, even if that means that my pipes freeze and my tits fall off. With energy prices the way they are at the moment, I’m not even thinking of flicking that switch until the month is out.”

Alys, from the Heath area of Cardiff, held out until September 29th last year, but this year, she’s hoping to go one better.

“I’ve got friends in America who are lasting until the end of November. Of course, they do things so much better over there than we do here. But I’m determined to become the only woman in Wales who doesn’t put it on before the end of September.”

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HMRC Llanishen evacuated after worker lets off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart

The HMRC tax office in Llanishen was evacuated today after one of its workers let off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart.

A HMRC spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. Police have arrested a 42 year old man for disruption of the peace.

The HMRC spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“At about 2:40 this afternoon, following complaints by workers that they were struggling to breathe, we initiated our evacuation policy. 2,000 members of staff were safely evacuated.”

One worker said:

“It was horrific. I’d only just come back from lunch and it hit me in the face like Satan’s breath. A green fog descended on the office. I couldn’t breathe and raised the alarm quickly.”

42 year-old Tony GrumbleGuts, who was later arrested was quickly identified as the culprit. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been having bardy guts all day like. Bit of a twitch here and bit of a twitch here. I’d been in a rush a lunchtime and picked up a few Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles from Morrisons next door. But after I’d had a hot chocolate from the vending machine, it seemed to trigger a chain reaction in my guts. Next thing I know, I lay back in my chair, opened my legs and floated off an air biscuit. As soon as it left my arsehole, I knew I was in trouble. It practically strangled me.”

Witnesses describe hearing a low rumbling sound, like that of a passing lorry. Staff resumed work after the offices had been fumigated.

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Welsh Police Who Find Drivers Smoking With Children In The Car To Be ‘Allowed To Punch Them Hard In The Face’

Welsh police are to be given powers to punch people hard in the face if they find them smoking in their cars with children in the back.

The proposals are being discussed as part of the Welsh Government’s attempt to clamp down on drivers who smoke.

A police official told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re hoping that we can pass this legislation. I’m really looking forward to catching people smoking and punching them hard in the face. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the crunch of a nose breaking.”

But smokers’ groups have criticised the new proposals. Derek Yellowteeth of Swansea, told WalesOnCraic:

“If we want to give our kids a wide range of serious illnesses, we should be allowed to do it in the privacy of our own cars. If the kids don’t like it, well- they have free will. They can leave a speeding car if they want to – they know where the door handles are.”

The police official added:

“I’m going to get some knuckle dusters off Ebay to sort these twats out once and for all. They’ll find it hard smoking with no facking nose.”

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Apple Unveil New Welsh Version of iPhone 6: The DaiPhone

Apple have announced a Welsh version of their new iPhone 6 – the DaiPhone.

Apple broke the news at a glitzy launch yesterday, and were quick to sell its new features to the Welsh public.

Boss Buck Smiley told WalesOnCraic:

“We thought we’d combine stereotypical views of the Welsh with our ground-breaking technology. So we’ve pre-installed Tom Jones’s ‘Delilah’ as a ring tone and put a picture of Shirley Bassey as a screensaver. It’s a must-have for anyone who’s Welsh, who’s been to Wales, or read about it on a brochure or something.”

However, some Welsh users may find that they won’t be able to use all the new DaiPhone in the way they want.

“SIRI won’t understand you if you speak Welsh because we couldn’t be arsed to translate it all and program it all in. So if you start speaking to it in Welsh, it will come back and say ‘What the hell was that you just said?’ Then it will ask you to say something properly.”

The new DaiPhone does offer some new and bespoke Welsh features however:

• Built-in sheep radar
• Voice-change to make you sound like Tom Jones
• Pre-loaded image gallery of Welsh celebrities, including Jessica Garlick
• Pre-loaded Guide to Planting Daffodils and Leeks

The new DaiPhone will be available sometime in the future. Probably.

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Disabled Parking Spaces To Be Used For Disabled People and Lazy-Arsed Coppers

Disabled parking bays are to be designated for use by ‘disabled people and lazy-arsed police drivers’, under new proposals put forward by a Council in Cardiff.

It follows nationwide riots that took place when a police car was spotted parking in an empty disabled parking space after 9pm on a quiet Sunday night.

Angry disabled campaigner, Debbie Twotrees told WalesOnCraic:

“I am absolutely SEETHING with rage that the council has put forward these proposals. Look at me – look at how red my face from being so angry. I could rip your face off, I’m THAT angry. Disabled car parking spaces should be for disabled people ONLY and NOT lazy-arsed coppers at ANY time.” [capital letters used for emphasis].

But Terry Tightnuts, a wheelchair user from Cardiff, told WalesOnCraic:

“If the police need to use it while they’re on duty and it’s an emergency, then why not? I personally couldn’t give a shiny shite myself.”

Debbie Twotrees added:

“I’m writing to the papers about this. They’ll help me tell my story.”

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87% Of Welsh People ‘Pining For NATO Like A Lost Lover’

87% of Welsh people are ‘pining for NATO like a lost lover’, according to a WalesOnCraic poll carried out over the weekend.

With the NATO circus now moving on to pastures new, it seems the people of Wales are facing the reality of getting back to things the way they were before, according to the poll.

Glenys Grimgritts, who wanted to remain anonymous, told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d give anything to have NATO back. It was all so exciting, what with those big helicopters flying around and that. I’ve now got the prospect of going back to my shitty job with nothing to talk about apart from Shitly Come Dancing – and what a load of old shit that is.”

Another pollster added:

“God, I miss NATO. My heart is pining for them to all come back. I’ve never been this heart-broken since my wife of 50 years ago left me for another woman. Even if they just called to let me know that they were ok, and that they were thinking of me – that’s all I want. I’ve booked myself in for a day at the Celtic Manor just to spend the day reminiscing.”

Even one staff writer at WalesOnCraic said:

“We’ve got nothing we can take the piss out of right now. It’s been really easy writing stuff about NATO because it’s been so unique but what can we write about now? We’ve got to go making stuff up now and we really can’t be arsed.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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NATO Police Infiltrated Our Peace Camp: CLAIM

NATO protesters have released a photo of a man they believe infiltrated their Peace Camp at the NATO Summit.

They believe the man was some sort of agent working for the government, and has accused him of spying on their activities.

Camp Leader, who wanted to be known by his pretend name, Captain Dreadlock, told WalesOnCraic:

“Looking back, we did have this guy in here that none of us knew. But we were so smacked up to the tits, that it’s only now, looking back at the photos, that we realise that our security was compromised. We are looking for a man about six foot high, wearing distinctive dark, branded clothing, including some kind of helmet with a blue flashing light on it, who was going around, bending his knees and saying ‘Allo, allo, allo. What have we got ‘ere then?’ We think he may have come from the London area.”

But NATO sources said that they hadn’t planted anyone in the peace camp. Steve Nedge told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re talking out of their arseholes. We wouldn’t have wasted our resources infiltrating their camp. We were too busy standing on the sides of the roads watching cars.”

But Dreadlock was adamant:

“There was. There was someone here. I knows it.”

The protesters, whose goal is for everyone in the world to sit around small fires playing guitars, helped shape NATO policy at the important summit by standing outside the meetings, blowing whistles and holding up bits of cardboard with marker pen scribbled on them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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NATO Deal Sees United States And Welsh Nationalists Ready To Invade England: CLAIM

A last-minute deal brokered at the NATO Summit has paved the way for Wales to invade England, according to a Welsh Nationalist leader.

The deal would see the United States joining the Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association in a full-blown land invasion of Wales’s neighbouring country.

Blodwyn ap Blodwyn told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve just come from a meeting now, and in my hand, I hold a piece of paper. Mr Barack Obama has signed this treaty which will allow us to join forces and take England for ourselves.”

The treaty would see the might of the US military fighting shoulder to shoulder with the Welsh Nationalist Letterbox Brigade.

“Up until now, all we’ve been able to do is post flaming rags through some people’s letterboxes and occasionally give English people living in Wales a silent phone call or two. But with the Americans on side, we can easily take England and if we’re feeling lucky, maybe Scotland too. Who knows what we can achieve? They’ve got really big guns and very fast planes and stuff– some of which even fly upside down! How cool is that?”

A NATO spokesman said however:

“He’s talking out of his arsehole mate. I’ve never even heard of Blodwyn ap Blodwyn. Wasn’t he in Camberwick Green or something?”

But ap Blodwyn is adamant that the plans to invade England would soon be underway.

“I’ve just been down David Barnes Drycleaners to get my camouflage gear clean. I can’t wait.”

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Newport taxi driver takes Barack Obama to CASTLE BINGO instead of CARDIFF CASTLE

A South Wales taxi driver has been left red-faced after taking Barack Obama to CASTLE BINGO instead of CARDIFF CASTLE.

Don Wetgussett, of Maindy, picked up the US President after a receiving a call from his boss to take Obama to the Castle for some food.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d had a long day and it was the last fare of the day for me. Round here, the ‘Castle’, as in Castle Bingo, is the only place to be on a Wednesday night in Newport. So I heads to the Celtic Manor and this dude gets in dressed up like he’s going to some posh place. I tells him that he might be a bit overdressed as they don’t do Cashpots on Wednesday nights but he laughed it off. He was nice enough and left me a half decent tip.”

The US President was due to dine with other Heads of State at Cardiff Castle as part of the NATO Summit, but told WalesOnCraic:

“It was an easy mistake to make. I got out the cab and Michelle and I went in to the main hall, only to be given these jumbo dabbers by a large woman. She curtly told us to sit on our arses as quickly as possible as they were starting the Early Session. It was only when I had a call from David [Cameron], asking where I was, that I realised I was in the wrong place.”

Don has since been reprimanded by his boss, ‘Shady’ Glen Hobbs.

“Honestly, he’s thick as shit that one.” he told WalesOnCraic. “Wait till I get my hands on him.”

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Welsh parents plan wild naked parties to celebrate kids going back to school

Parents all over Wales are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow.

Police forces throughout the country have been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents.

“I CANNOT wait,” said Kim Grumblegrots from Treorchy, “My kid’s been a right little shit these last few weeks. I’ve been ticking the days off my Cliff Richard calendar one by one and the day is nearly here! Once I’ve dropped him off at the school gates, I’m going to take off all my clothes and run naked through the village to celebrate.”

Mother-of-four, Lorraine Turbo-Tits added:

“I’ve managed to get through the six weeks via a Class A drugs and heavy sedation. Once the kids have gone back, it’ll be like taking a dump after being constipated for six weeks. It’s been hell.”
But for some parents, the joy has been tempered by news that the kids’ first day back is an Inset Day.

“Those bloody teachers – they just have to cram one more lie-in in, don’t they? After all that time they’ve had off over the summer, swanning off to Mexico and that! They’ve got another week off coming up in about six or seven weeks! It’s a disgrace.”

But one teacher hit back, saying “Go fock yourself. I’ve got to look after your shit of a kid for 40 weeks of the year.”