It started off so well. In a bid to silence his right-wing anti-EU backbenchers once and for all, Prime Minister David Cameron took the rare decision to offer the people of the UK a referendum. They were asked whether they wanted to remain in the European Union or to leave. Confident that the people would deliver what Cameron wanted, he put it to the public vote. And in June 2016, the people of the UK spoke. Then it all went to shit.
Here’s what we know so far:
> The price of Freddos has remained volatile with experts predicting that the public could see a 5p increase over the next 10 years
> Politicians keep wanting to punch each other in the face
> David Cameron flew to France following the referendum result and now lives in a pig farm
> Two Brexit ministers have resigned in the last two years
> Andrew Marr has so many questions to ask, he’s doesn’t know his arsehole from his elbow
> The UK will be paying the EU £39bn for no reason whatsoever> The Irish have no idea what’s going on
> Nigel Farage’s teeth could be deported for not being white enough
> Theresa May can’t dance
> Boris Johnson is living in a drey in a forest with some squirrels
> No one knows what the fuck is going on
> Brexiteers are still hoping to get bendy bananas
> All UK subjects living in the EU will have to move back to the UK or become citizens of the country that they are currently living in
> A 20ft high wall will be built between Wales and England to keep Welsh sheep out of England
> Donald Trump thinks that Brexit is a good thing
> Jeremy Corbyn needs a new coat
> Dominic Raab and Esther McVey are to get new jobs at Trago Mills in Merthyr
That’s all we know for now. We’re going for a lie down in a dark room.
Actor Danny ‘Farking’ Dyer has been appointed the new Home Secretary after giving an impassioned speech on Brexit live on TV.
Dyer, who often walks around talking in a London accent, starts his new job on Monday.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“Iss farking mental. I was on the telly last night and the next fing I know, the she-geezer at No 10 is giving us a job. I says ‘No farking way missis. Not on your farking nelly’ but then she told me that I gets a posh car and a new phone. I says ‘Orrite. Keep yer wig on missis’ so I gives her my CV and then next farking thing I know, I’ve been given the job of Home Secretary. I’ve got no idea what I’ve got to do but I guess it’s similar to what I do nar.”
Dyer appeared on Good Evening Britain last night and said the word ‘Twat’ very loudly and with great clarity.
A leaked memo from 10 Downing Street has shown that the Tories are planning to tax masturbation should they be returned to government.
The Tories say that the tax is necessary to make up the shortfall left by tax-dodging billionaires.
A source told WalesOnCraic:
“Happiness is something that should not be encouraged. That’s why we are planning to tax happiness and anything that bring happiness. This includes drinking, smoking, sex and of course, masturbation. The last thing we want to see are people walking around with big smiles on their faces. This country is getting too carried away with itself and all this fun and laughter. Masturbation is a disgusting and immoral activity and must be discouraged at all costs. Taxing masturbation will allow us to make up the huge shortfall in the Government’s coffers that has come about thanks to the super-rich not paying their taxes. We want the small people, people like you, to help us and you can do that by taxing your masturbation.”
One wanker, who didn’t want to be identified as James Flannel of 32, Heol-y-Gors, Hengoed, CF82 7NX, and who works in Currys, said:
“They won’t be taxing me. I’ll be taking my wanking underground. They’re not getting a penny from me. I’ll just not declare anything on my tax returns. That’ll tell ’em.”
Labour have announced that they will make every day Christmas if they are elected to power in June’s election.
The announcement comes hot on the heels of their latest pledge to give people four more Bank Holidays in a year if elected.
A spokesman said:
“Everyone loves a bit of Christmas and in the words of the great Roy Wood, we all wish it could be Christmas every day. Shakin’ Stevens said something similar I believe, as did Mariah Carey. We are looking to appeal to fans of these great artists, and to all fans of Christmas with this new pledge. It would mean that all the shops would be closed every day, apart from the local Spar because they never seem to close. Everyone would have turkey for dinner every day and your rosy cheeks are gonna light my merry way. We’ll also be making an announcement in due course where we will be offering free Christmas trees to everyone who voted for us.”
Critics point out that it’s a shit idea.
“It’s a shit idea,” said the critic.
Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her own School Of Motoring.
The new school will specialise in performing spectacular U-turns and looking after one’s interests at any cost.
Manager Tarquin Farquin told WalesOnCraic:
“Mrs May is an expert in the field of U-turns and we thought that we could sell this knowledge onto motorists who were looking to achieve the same amount of skills as our beloved leader. Lessons will cost just £7.50 an hour and we will take you through all of her most famous of U-turns, such as the welcome pause in the go ahead the new nuclear power plant at Hinkley Point before approving the same deal under lovely George Osborne. All of our students will get a badge, some fluffy dice and gift certificate once they’ve passed as many U-turns as Mrs May has, at which point, they can consider themselves experts in the field.”
Learner driver Betty Bumflaps said:
“I’ve always wanted to learn how to do spectacular U-turns and now this is my chance. I’m really looking forward to getting my fluffy dices I am.”
Ireland has laid claim to the island of Anglesey following the triggering of Article 50.
Ireland says that it is legally entitled to Anglesey after a few of their people lived there once.
Irish spokesman Paddy ‘Stereotype’ McGinty said:
“It’s our island. We had a few people live in once and we need to defend their rights. In fact, Anglesey used to belong to us but it snapped off and floated away across the sea. We are prepared to go to war about this. We’re very angry that Wales has claimed this island as their own. If they want to start a fight with us, we’re here and ready. Just give us a time and place. So it is. To be sure etc.”
The Welsh Assembly’s Emergency War Cabinet convened at Pizza Hut late last night. A spokeswoman said:
“I created my own pizza because none of the products they had prepared doesn’t quite fit what I wanted. I had cheese with tomatoes, onions, chillies, pineapple and some mushrooms. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a wise choice as it’s been fighting with my stomach all night and now I’m very tired. I have a very big day today as I’m having my feet done.”
Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has been accused of over-reacting to the bad loss against England at the weekend by calling for a second independence referendum.
Sturgeon said that she wanted a second go at the referendum to give her something to do for the next two years.
A spokesman said:
“Mrs Sturgeon likes to have a project on the go at any one time. She’s already had a loft conversion done and in the next few weeks, she’s putting together a scrapbook of The Krankies. Once she’s finished that, she has no projects to get her teeth into so going for a second referendum means that she can keep her hands busy. It also means that she’ll be on telly a bit more than she has been for the last year and that’s always a good thing because she can start charging to open church fetes and that.”
The Scottish people turned down the idea of an independent Scotland in 2014.
One voter said:
“I didn’t like the idea of losing the News At Ten because I’ve always like Trevor McDonald. I then found out that he’d retired many years ago. I was all over the place. In the end I voted to stay in the UK in case Trevor McDonald ever had to stand in for someone else. I have no idea what I’m talking about to be honest.I just think she’s over-reacting to the England game on the weekend.”
Former Primer Minister Tony Blair has warned the UK that Brexit could destroy the country in just 45 minutes.
Rather like a stubborn turd that refuses to flush away, Blair encouraged people to rise up against Brexit.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“The majority of this great country spoke but unfortunately, they were all wrong. They shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. In that respect, it was David Cameron’s fault for giving the plebs the opportunity of a referendum in the first place. Throw the shitfest that is the current Labour Party and lies from the Tories and you find ourselves in this mess. We don’t need reminding that Brexit can destroy our country in just 45 minutes. We have intelligence reports telling us this and we cannot let it happen.”
A spokesman for the Labour Party said:
“Blair can go do one. He can’t go blaming us for Brexit. We did nothing wrong. Apart from not really do anything but we didn’t want to influence the outcome of the referendum in any way because that would have been biased. I’m off home now anyway because I’ve decided to go on strike. My hours are long and I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”
Bungle from Rainbow is the surprise selection to take the UK through the Brexit process.
Theresa May made the announcement to a group of very important people earlier today.
She told delegates:
“Today I have the great pleasure of announcing Bungle from Rainbow as the Lead Consultant in the Brexit process. We took a look at a lot of potential candidates but no-one could match Bungle for his sheer misplaced optimism and enthusiasm. Bungle will bring a great deal of experience in mediation between two opposing sides, in his case, usually George and Zippy. Bungle has shown over many years that he can oversee projects to completion with a smile, and is able to satisfy our policy of Equal Opportunities.”
Bungle will start work on Monday. He told WalesOnCraic:
“Gee Geoffrey. Isn’t this a wonderful honour? I shall take on this role with great enthusiasm and I shall also be invited Rod, Jane and Freddy over to perform at my inauguration. I am so happy.”
Outgoing US President Barack Obama is considering standing as MP in Stoke-On-Trent.
The news comes as Labour’s Tristram Hunt steps down to become a tour guide at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum.
Obama told WalesOnCraic:
“I’ve always loved Stoke-On-Trent. It’s renowned all over the world for things like…erm…pots. It’s famous for pottery isn’t it? Is that where pottery was invented? I’m not sure. Either way, I love Stoke-On-Trent, sitting there alongside the River Trent. I’d like to be an MP in the UK because you can claim lots of things on expenses can’t you? I’d eat out lots if I was a British MP see? I’d rack those expenses up big time. And of course, I’d be there to support the people of Stoke-On-Trent, wherever that is.”
Obama is currently out of work as he steps down from his role of US President. The position has become available as Labour MP Tristram Hunt takes on a new job.
“I’ve got myself a job as a tour guide at the Victoria and Albert Museum. I can’t wait to start. It’ll be like going back to school.”