Election 2017

Tories plan to tax masturbation if they are re-elected

A leaked memo from 10 Downing Street has shown that the Tories are planning to tax masturbation should they be returned to government.

The Tories say that the tax is necessary to make up the shortfall left by tax-dodging billionaires.

A source told WalesOnCraic:

“Happiness is something that should not be encouraged. That’s why we are planning to tax happiness and anything that bring happiness. This includes drinking, smoking, sex and of course, masturbation. The last thing we want to see are people walking around with big smiles on their faces. This country is getting too carried away with itself and all this fun and laughter. Masturbation is a disgusting and immoral activity and must be discouraged at all costs. Taxing masturbation will allow us to make up the huge shortfall in the Government’s coffers that has come about thanks to the super-rich not paying their taxes. We want the small people, people like you, to help us and you can do that by taxing your masturbation.”

One wanker, who didn’t want to be identified as James Flannel of 32, Heol-y-Gors, Hengoed, CF82 7NX, and who works in Currys, said:

“They won’t be taxing me. I’ll be taking my wanking underground. They’re not getting a penny from me. I’ll just not declare anything on my tax returns. That’ll tell ’em.”

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