Posted on

Ex-Brexit secretary has top tips for Wales

David Davis, ex-Brexit secretary and now rugby pundit for Dave TV has some great news for Welsh rugby fans.

Speaking just a few days before Saturday’s grand slam match with Ireland, Davis was forthright with regards to the result.

“Well, if the score goes against Wales there’s no real reason to accept the result. There are several options available in case Wales’ fans are not happy. The first option would be to query the result, carefully reviewing the game in case we’ve been diddled by those craft Irish folk. If that doesn’t work we can either opt for a rematch, best of 3, or simply take the trophy and run. Or, at the end of the match, we just keep playing until we get the result we want.”

Davis continued:

“The problem is we don’t really know how a win is defined. Is it simply that one team has to have more points than the other? Should there be an agreed margin, so the winner has to win by a set number of points? Should we award the loser extra points because we feel sorry for them by way of encouragement?”

Speaking on behalf of the WRU Dai Laughing, senior communications officer was less than impressed with Davis’ approach.

“He’s off his chunk. The bois are gonna do this by a mile. And anyway, with Brexit on hold and this f*cking backstop position, if we do lose it we’ll pop over and duff them up when they’re pissed one night.”





Image: Estonian Foreign Ministry

Posted on

MPs vote to drag shitshow past 29th March

MPs in Westminster have voted to ask the EU of they can drag this Brexshit on past 29th March.

If agreed by the EU, it means that the UK can continue the shitshow that’s been going on for several years now.

A Westminster spokesman said:

“We are really earning our money here, debating every possible thing that we can think of that will never get settled. We’ve got red-faced gammons going mental in one corner and Remoaners over in the other corner arguing all the time. And to be quite frank, we’re quite enjoying it. Our MPs have therefore voted to ask the EU if we can drag this on longer.”

One Brexiteer who didn’t want to be named said:

“The British people have spoken and we just want the politicians we voted in to sort it out asap. I’m desperate for my blue passport and my bendy bananas because that’s what it’s all about.”





Posted on

Steak and Blow Job Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

So-called Steak and BlowJob day is passing quietly for vegetarian lesbians, who refer to it as just ‘Thursday’.

Steak and BlowJob Day is a day invented by big macho men who like to celebrate their hunting prowess and masculinity. It calls for steaks to be cooked and blowjobs to be given.

But for some, it’s just Thursday.

One woman who was not participating in the day told WalesOnCraic:

“What the frig is all that about? Eat a bit of cow sinew and have your stinking tool sucked by your missis? That’s very manly isn’t it? I’ll just be spending the day like I normally do – sitting around my house, watching telly and cleaning my living room. For me, it’s just another Thursday.”

One lad said:

“I’ve been waiting for this day all year since the last one. I haven’t had a BJ for a whole year now. In fact last year, my missis told me where to go when I asked her for one and had to get the dog to do it. He didn’t seem to mind.”

Steak and BJ Day has been billed as the Valentine’s Day for men.





Posted on

Combined power of fans’ lucky underwear can bring Slam home

grits

Welsh rugby fans are being told to wash their lucky underwear in advance of this weekend’s showdown with Ireland.

Welsh coaches are hoping that the combined might of the nation’s lucky underwear can bring the Grand Slam for Wales.

A spokesman for the WRU said:

“We can’t get everything right, as evidenced by the massive balls up we made last week with the regions. What we can be sure about is the power of the lucky underwear, which has seen us through many tough games in the past. We are encouraging all Welsh fans to wash their lucky underwear ahead of the big game. While the boys will be doing their best on the pitch, and the fans cheering them on in the stadium, we can all get our lucky grits on to help. If we can come together like this as a country, who knows where we’ll end up.”

The last time Wales pulled together in the lucky underwear department was when Wales reached the semi-finals of the Euros in 2016.

“Sadly, a few people were so excited that they forgot to put them on for the Portugal game and that was that.”





Posted on

Woman cleans house before cleaner comes around

A woman from Cardiff has cleaned her house from top to bottom ahead of the arrival of a new cleaner.

Betty Bumflaps has hired a new cleaner to clean her house but felt that she had to clean the house before the arrival of the cleaner to clean the house.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I simply don’t have the time to clean the house these days. I’ve got three messy kids and one messy husband who never cleans up for himself. I thought I’d take the plunge and pay £20 a week to a cleaner to come in and do it for me. But then I looked around my house and realised that it was a proper shithole. I knew then that I had to clean the house before the cleaner came over. My house is so clean now that the cleaner won’t have anything to do when she gets here. I don’t know why I’m paying the silly woman £20.”

Cleaner Ethel Sparklytits said:

“I’m going anyway. I’ve got a 24 hour cancellation policy and she can’t go pulling out on me now, clean house or not. I’ve got a fat husband and an addiction to bingo to feed.”





Posted on

Wheelie bins blown over as Storm Freya rips into Wales

Several wheelie bins have been blown over in Wales as strong winds continue to batter Wales.

Reports from North Wales indicate that some garden chairs have also been blown over, bringing chaos and misery to Welsh residents.

Barry Belch from Birchgrove in Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“I had to put them out the night before last because it was bin day yesterday. Of course, once they’ve been emptied by the bin men, they’re a law unto themselves and if the wind gets catch of them, then we’re all in big trouble. My bin went down but we’re a strong family and we’re staying strong for each other.”

Glenda Sparklytits from Tredegar said:

“It was awful. I was lying in bed last night having a shag when all of a sudden, there was this huge clatter from outside the house. While my husband was going hell for leather, all I could worry about was whether my black bins had tumbled out on to the pavement.”

Strong winds look set to feature across Wales this weekend. Residents have been warned to put their wheelie bins in places that are unlikely to see it being blown over.





Posted on

Man wakes up with Momo after night out in Newport

A man is receiving counselling after waking up with Momo after a night out in Newport.

The man, who didn’t want to be named, thinks he may have taken part in the Momo Challenge.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I was having a lovely sleep after a night out in Zooport and I felt myself coming around. Before I opened my eyes, I could feel that someone was in my bed and I honestly thought that I’d pulled. I opened my eyes, expecting to see a beautiful blonde in front of me and was confronted by one of the Newport regulars. I shat myself there and then. She told me to throw myself out of my window but to be honest, I’d pre-empted her and threw myself out as far as I could.”

The Momo Challenge has appeared on several good TV shows, and some crap ones.





Posted on

First outbreak of flip flops spotted in Wales

Wales has seen its first outbreak of flip flops this year.

Several yellow, gnarly toes were spotted in coastal areas as well as some city locations.

A spokeswoman for the Welsh Government told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been on high alert for this since last week and have put all precautions into place to try and stem the tide of this kind of outbreak. We have spotters all over the country and with the rise in temperature this week, it’s been inevitable that we’d get a few calls. So far, flip flops seem to be mainly confined to coastal areas but we did have a few reports of sightings in city centres. We have put our Flip Flop Action teams on standby to arrest any wearers and to warn them that they are committing a public disorder offence if caught.”

Flip flops are usually associated with unsightly toes, especially among the male population.

The footwear was invented by French shoe-maker Philippe Fillop.





Posted on

Welsh smugness reaches record levels

smug-twat

Welsh smugness has reached record levels after the men’s Welsh rugby team beat their English counterparts on the weekend.

Welsh people working in England are currently showing the highest smugness levels as they return to work.

Welsh fan Dilwyn Leek told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m so happy right now that I’m going to get my arse out and show it to the woman next door. I’m not even sure if she’s gone to bed – I don’t care! I’m THAT happy!”

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock was dejected after the game. He said:

“By George. Our cheps at were roundly beaten on the weekend so I’m going to cheer myself up by hunting a fox or something. That’s one’s Grand Slam chances gone for another year.”

Wales now face Scotland in Scotland on Saturday. Should Wales beat the Scots, they only have Ireland to beat to win the Championship and the Grand Slam.





Posted on

Cardiff Samaritans set ‘blubber booths’ for English rugby fans

The Samaritans have set up so-called ‘Blubber Booths’ across Cardiff to allow English rugby fans to come to terms with their team’s loss to Wales.

The booths include tissues, a telephone to enable fans to call their mummies, and a picture of Scott Gibbs touching down at Wembley in 1999. They will be dotted around the city until Monday.

City manager Bryn Bathwater told WalesOnCraic:

“They’ll all be bitter once the game now that they’ve lost. With the help of the Samaritans, we are giving the English fans a chance to drown their sorrows before they head back over the Severn Bridge. We’ve also instructed the Severn Bridge to reinstall the tolls, just to add insult to injury.”

English fan Tarquin Peacock-Smyth said:

“What, what? Cucumber sandwich old boy?”