Posted on

Woman says ‘Oo, it’s close’ for 43rd time today

A woman from South Wales has said ‘Oo, it’s close’ for the 43rd time today.

Emily Blundergunt repeated the phrase, despite still not knowing exactly what’s ‘close’.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“Oof, it’s close. I honestly can’t remember the last time it was this close. It’s like we need a good thunderstorm to clear the air. I’ve been saying that it’s close all day today. As soon as I woke up this morning, I turned to my husband and said ‘Oo, it’s close’. Then I turned to my boyfriend and said the same thing to him too. It’s like it’s warm but it’s not warm. The sun’s not out yet it’s still hot. I’ve got sweat patches under my tits and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep again tonight. I may sleep with one leg out of the duvet. That seems to work.”

Weather experts have predicted that it’ll be close for the next few days.

Posted on

Wanker driver sign warns drivers of wanker drivers

New signs featuring the picture of a cock and balls are to appear on roads across the UK to warn drivers of wanker drivers ahead.

The new signs will be placed on the outskirts of many British cities and towns as part of a pilot scheme.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Road Signs said:

“We all know those places across the UK where wanker drivers live. We thought it was only fair to introduce these new signs to give other motorists some warning as to what to expect. These new signs will feature a picture of a cock and balls to remind drivers that these wanker drivers are among us and can pull out in front of you at any given moment. We’d like to think that this will reduce the amount of accidents caused by wanker drivers, and I personally think it’s nice to see cock and balls out on the roads.”

It is estimated that there are over 3 million wanker drivers in the UK. Research suggests that most of them aren’t even aware that they are wanker drivers.

The new signs will start appearing next month.

Posted on

Mum missing for 5 days found under mountain of washing

A missing woman from Brecon has been found alive and well underneath a mountain of washing.

Nina Bumskid went missing last weekend but her husband Joe found her under a pile of dirty washing this morning.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“It was scary. I thought I’d get some washing done over the weekend and before I knew it, I was buried underneath it. I called out for help but Joe was too busy watching sport on the telly and the kids were out the back playing. The washing was too heavy for me to lift and after a few hours, I was resigned to the fact that I was stuck there. Luckily, I had a packet of mini Jammy Dodgers in my pocket, which I was able to survive on but I’ve been busting for a wee for the last five days. The only reason Joe found me was because he was looking for clean socks to wear and as I hadn’t done any washing, he went back to the dirty washing basket to find a dirty pair. I think he must have missed me terribly.”

Husband Joe said:

“Nina? Missing? Was she? Oh. I didn’t notice. Thanks for letting me know.”

Posted on

Woman divorces husband who made her triangle sandwiches

A woman from Pyle has filed for divorce from her husband after he made her triangular sandwiches for work.

Tracy Widecalves usually makes her own rectangular sandwiches but got up late after going on the lash last night.

Heart-broken husband Simon said:

“I was only trying to help. I know that she usually makes her own sandwiches in the mornings because the leaves the place like a shit-tip and I’m the one who has to clean up after her. What I didn’t know was that she makes rectangular sandwiches. Where I come from, it’s triangles all the way. I wrapped them up lovingly in silver foil and even popped a boiled egg in her sandwich box. I also left a little love note in with her packed lunch and was hoping to get a nice phone call, saying what an amazing husband I was. Instead, I got a letter from our solicitor, asking for a divorce.”

Tracy told WalesOnCraic that she’s never had triangular sandwiches in her life.

“I opened the box and said to myself ‘Is this a joke?’. It was then that I realised that it wasn’t a joke and now Simon won’t be the one laughing on the other side of his boot. Or something.”

Image: HHA124L

Posted on

Welsh heatwave to continue

The tropical heatwave that’s currently crippling Wales is due to last for another few weeks say experts.

The nation has been wilting under scorching 16°C temperatures, and weather experts say that we can expect at least another few months of it.

Meteorological expert Bernie Cumulus told WalesOnCraic:

“I don’t know how we’ve been surviving all these weeks. Last week, I had to open the window – it was THAT hot! My neighbour even took out his patio chairs from his shed and sat there for a while. We’re not prepared for this kind of weather. People in tropical places like Benidorm and Tenerife are used to this sort of thing. But not us Welshies. I had to turn my heating off last week and looking at my charts, I can’t see an end in sight. I think it’s all down to climate change and all those people in the 80s that used to use spray deodorants. I blame them. They didn’t think of us – the kids – did they?”

More cloud is expected to linger over Wales like a bad fart for the next few days. Schools and hospitals have been put on standby in case temperatures creep up to 17°C.

Posted on

Woman plans new kitchen while having sex with husband

A woman from Bangor has completely planned her new kitchen while having sex with her husband.

Betti Wideflange even chose her new worktops and doorknobs while husband Terry went at it like a dog with two dicks.

Betti told WalesOnCraic:

“It was nice to get some me time while Terry was having a go. It gave me time to figure out my new kitchen from top to bottom. I’ve decided to go with neutral colours but with dark worktops because Terry’s always spilling butter and jam and I don’t want those stains showing up. While Terry was banging away, I figured out that I could get away with having a breakfast bar. I’ve always wanted one of those. I’ll pop to Homebase today and see what they say. I’ve seen some nice doorknobs that would go well with the ones I’ve got in my downstairs bathroom. Continuity is important I think – I read about origami in a Bella magazine once and I think I’m a bit of an expert now. And I’d like the ceiling all Artxed.”

Husband Terry said:

“Wow. That was great. I feel like such a stud. I love my wife and she loved that!”

Posted on

Wales to get warm rain this summer

Weather experts have predicted that Wales will get warm rain this summer.

The warm rain will replace the jack shit levels of sunshine we’ve been getting this summer.

Weather expert Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“So far, we’ve had sod all in the way of sunshine but Mother Nature has a great way of making up for that. This summer, we can expect our rain to be nice and warm – the sort of wet warmth you get when you piss yourself in a swimming pool. With rain forecast from now until October, we’ve got plenty to look forward to. The lack of sunshine can be blamed on all kinds of things – climate change, the Government and of course, the weather. We can expect downpours of warm rain throughout the coming months. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and check my charts.”

Wales is currently experiencing its wettest day since yesterday. Experts predict that all summers will be like this unless they’re not.

Posted on

Gove to release cover version of Smack My Bitch Up

Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, Michael Gove is to release a cover version of The Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’.

Gove is hoping that the single will help bolsters the support of younger members of the Conservative Party in his bid to become leader.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Gove’s done all kinds of shit over the years. The kids are going to love him. Cocaine? Snorted it. Curry sauce on his fish and chips? Smashed it. Run through fields of corn? Nailed it mate. Gove is the kind of guy that would appeal to the younger factions of the Conservative Party and these are the voters we’re going after when it comes to picking a new leader. Who wants Bumbling Boris? Or that guy with the big teeth and massive hands? We want a leader who’s been there and done the kinds of things that we’ve all done. We want a man of the people. Michael is therefore releasing this new single so that he appears down with the kids. He’s hoping to release a full album before Christmas, depending on whether he gets arrested for his cocaine use.”

The single will be released in July and will be available from all good records shops and some craps ones.

Posted on

Trump to visit Fantasy Lounge on Tuesday

lover boy

President Trump will take in a visit to the capital’s Fantasy Lounge as part of his UK tour.

Trump will visit the Cardiff club on Tuesday night, after having a few jars in Kiwis.

A spokesman for the White House told WalesOnCraic:

“President Trump likes his woman and he likes nothing more than a bare fat arse in his face. We’re planning on warming him up with a few bevvies in Kiwis before moving on to the Fantasy Lounge later in the evening. We’ll give him a bit of pocket money to see him through the night and we’ll probably pick him up about 10pm. He does like to get to bed early so he can have a few burgers and watch some telly. We’ll be staying in the local Travelodge but we have been warned not to take any girls back this time.”

Trump lands in the UK on Monday and will be out filming his 2020 election promos with the Royals. The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, has told Trump to go suck a bag of dicks on his visit.

Posted on

Woman stores loaf of bread in bread bin

A woman from Aberdare has stored a loaf of bread in her bread bin.

Gladys Wonderthighs usually stores her bread on top of her bin, but took the unusual step of storing it in the bin yesterday.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“My mother bought me this bread bin when we moved into the house. At the time, I thought it looked lovely but when we put it in the kitchen, it looked shit. We’ve kept it there to keep my mother happy and whenever I comes home from Kwik Save with more bread, I stores it on top of the bread bin. The bin has actually been empty for some time. I usually think that it’s too much effort to go taking the lid off like that every time.”

But yesterday, Gladys took the decision to actually store her bread in the bread bin.

“It was like a switch went off in my head. I thought it was a bonkers idea but my kitchen now looks less cluttered and I feel that my bread has retained some of its freshness. It’s possible that I’ll start keeping my bread in there from now on.”

Gladys’s mother, also called Gladys, said:

“That cost me £3 from Home Bargains. I’m glad to see it finally being used the way it was designed for in the first place.”