State of Emergency declared in Asda as card machines go tits up

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A national State of Emergency has been declared at all Asda stores as their card payment systems went tits up.

The outage meant that shoppers were unable to purchase their Aunt Bessie’s roast potatoes and Baker’s Selection 6 pack of white rolls.

One shopper said:

“It was a nightmare. I only popped in for a cabbage which I couldn’t even pay for because their card machines weren’t working. I had to go home and get my cheque book and I couldn’t remember where I’d put it as I haven’t used it since 1983. I thought I’d put it in my bedside drawer but I later found it on the bookcase. By the time I’d got back to Asda, people were punching each other and fights were breaking out all over the place. It was like World War 3.”

A State of Emergency was declared and police have intervened to restore order.