Santa Claus has threatened to bypass the South Wales valleys this year unless drastic measures are taken to safeguard his personal safety.
He has declared The Gurnos, Penrhys, Peny Waun and Ebbw Vale have all been declared no-go areas after last year’s fiasco.
His missis, Mrs Christmas exclusively told WalesOnCraic:
“Thousands of children would be let down if the fat bastard doesn’t get there this year. But we can’t have a repeat of last year. He came home on Christmas morning with a broken nose, no wheels on his sleigh and a severe dose of the clap. I was facking furious. Not only did he have the greenest bell end in Lapland, he also came home stinking of booze. I also found a wrap of speed in his Santa Suit.”
Santa dismissed his wife’s claims, telling WalesOnCraic:
“Look lads. The last thing I remember is going down the chimney in the Gurnos Club. And let us just say the rest is history.”
Santa’s elves and reindeers have also threatened to boycott Christmas if they’re made to go back to the valleys. Last year a young girl from Bargoed kicked Rudolf in the bollocks and Santa’s chief Elf got kidnapped in Abercynon. He ended up starring in a Welsh porn movie called ‘Santas Little Eight-Inched Helper’. Other elves have demanded bullet-proof vests, baseball bats and pepper spray.
WalesOnCraic went onto the streets of the Valleys to ask the public what they thought of Santa Clause boycotting Christmas:
“I don’t facking blame him. I wouldn’t walk round here in the dark. And fack me, those boys who drink in the Griffin got redder noses than Rudolf.” Terry Shin (Rhydfelin)
“Santa hasn’t been round these parts since the kids set fire to his sleigh and by the way, I’d just like to tell all those slags from Cwmdare – It’s ‘I saw Mammy kissing Santa Clause’, not ‘I saw Mammy sucking Santa Clause’. Whores.” Dai Hump (Penywaun)
“I don’t believe in him anymore. The boys down the pub said he ain’t real. I always wondered why the ungrateful bastard never ate my mince pies.” Brian Brownfinger, (Tredegar)