Cultured bacteria ‘spotted shaking hands and opening doors for each other’

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A Cardiff scientist has spotted cultured bacteria shaking hands and opening doors for each other for the first time.

Professor Billy BoggleEyes from Bedlinog University, spotted the bacteria being pleasant to each other in his lab last week.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“You do know I’m just making this up don’t you? It’s a play on the word ‘culture’. I thought I’d make a hilarious jape by suggesting that cultured bacteria go around being nice to each other. It doesn’t work quite like that in real life as you know but I just wanted my 10 minutes of fame on Wales’s best and most hilarious website. You don’t begrudge me that do you? Good. I’m doing it to impress my ex-wife. She ran off with a screaming lesbo last month and I want her back – my ex-wife I mean, not the screaming lesbo.”

A spokesman from Bedlinog University said:

“This story is a load of hairy old bollocks and we all know that. You’re just doing it for cheap headlines and to get people to share it. You people should be ashamed of yourselves.”