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Weather Sunday 30th December

light rain

Another boringly grey and dismal day with nothing to report apart from some slight drizzle and erm…that’s about it. Maximum temperature 12°C.

Down on the farm, we’re getting ready for New Year’s Eve by preparing for our fancy dress party. Dai Llama’s coming as Donald Trump, Dolly’s got herself a Wonder Woman outfit while I’m still deciding between H from Steps or Derek Brockway. It’s so hard being me.

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Weather Saturday 29th December

light rain

A grey and miserable day, with drizzly rain edging south, leaving the north brighter later on. Light rain arriving in the north overnight. That’s about as boring as it gets. Maximum temperature 12°C.

Down on the farm, we’re all still recovering from Christmas so we’ve packed away the tree and all the decorations and Farmer Honey’s been down the local Kwik Save to stock up on some Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

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Today’s forecast: 100% chance of boob sweat

Wales is expected to swelter in another very warm day today, bringing with it a 100% chance of boob sweat.

Boob sweat has become a real issue for some women, and men who eat too much shit.

A spokesman for the Sweaty Boob Society told WalesOnCraic:

“This heatwave has created a boob sweat epidemic. We haven’t seen levels like this since the ’70s. Supplies of underboob deodorant have virtually dried up so we’re all in this together. Looking at the forecast, it’s also unlikely that there is an end in sight too, since this heatwave looks like it’s going to go on for months and months. Here at the Sweaty Boob Society, we are giving out leaflets to advise people on what to do if they are suffering from excessive boob sweat. We are advising people to send in photographs of their sweaty boobs so that we can analyse them on the best course of action.”

Temperatures topped 5 billion degrees yesterday in Wales and one ginger person spontaneously exploded outside Iceland on Saturday.

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Weather Office issue Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning

The National Weather Office has issued a Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning as gale force winds move into the UK.

The warning means that wheelie bins should be secured to avoid them blowing over or even flying through the air.

Derek the Weathersheep, honorary member of the National Weather Office told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got some pretty heavy winds moving into the UK and as we’ve seen in the past, this can cause devastation for the nation’s wheelie bins. Worst affected areas will be those who have just had a bin collection because their bins will be empty and more susceptible to movement. We’ve already heard reports of food bins being strewn across roads in Scotland and scenes of destruction like this will pop up all over the UK as winds move southward. We are also expecting snow so combined with the heavy winds, we could be in for a torrid time.”

Hamish McDonald from Aberdeen got in touch with his local media to tell them that his wheelie bin had blown over.

“My wheelie bin blew over,” he told local reporters.

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Storm Barbara set to batter shit out of UK this Christmas Eve

Storm Barbara is set to batter the shit out of the UK when she thumps into the country on Christmas Eve.

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for parts of the UK and Santa is having to take extra precautions with his flight plan.

Wales’s weather guru, Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s a big storm and it’s headed right for us. Sadly, it’s due to hit us on Christmas Eve. Poor old Santa’s likely to get battered around a bit so he’ll need to take extra care. Gusts of up to 90mph are expected for people in northern areas of the UK, not that anyone cares much about them. It will be accompanied by heavy rain and grumblings of ‘Shitty weather isn’t it?’. I advise everyone to stay indoors, crack open the Baileys and get totally smashed.”

The storm has been named Barbara after Dame Barbara Cartland DBE CStJ, born as Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland, an English author of romance novels, and one of the most prolific and commercially successful worldwide of the twentieth century.

The Daily Express has advised its readers to prepare for Armageddon (again).

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Cold weather ‘set to last until we get some warm weather’

The current cold snap affecting the UK is set to last until we get some warm weather, according to experts.

Temperatures across Britain have plummeted to 5 or 6 degrees, prompting panic buying and petrol shortages. Head Meteorologist Brian McCloud told WalesOnCraic:

“This cold weather has come along and made us all feel very cold. Personally, I blame this Tory government who just keep on slashing away at things – in this case – the temperatures. I can only see this cold snap lasting until some warmer weather comes along. That’s just my opinion of course, not that it counts for much. I’m actually looking for a new job if you know of anything going. I’m good with my hands but can’t do anything that includes heights because I go all giddy and piss my pants.”

Tonight’s forecast – dark until morning when light will spread to most parts.

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UK set to be hit by Armageddon-like temperatures of -2°C and slight drizzle

The UK is set to be hit by Armageddon-like temperatures of -2°C and slight drizzle next week.

The WORLD-ENDING weather has been picked up by weather experts at the Daily Express newspaper.

The Daily Express’s Nathan Rao, the world’s leading meteorologist in the world, told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve never seen anything like this before ever. It’s the end of the world as we know it. Temperatures will PLUNGE to -2°C in some rural parts of Scotland next week, killing off the entire population of the UK. On top of that, we’ve got some slight drizzle moving in from the Atlantic, which will make all the corpses DAMP, making them not look very nice. After that, we can expect trains to be DERAILED, deliveries of bread and milk to the shops will be CANCELLED and it’ll be really, really TERRIBLE. I have to emphasise that in CAPITAL LETTERS to make sure you understand the severity of what I am saying.”

Residents of Wales have already bought all the milk and bread in Tesco in response to the Daily Express’s warning. Shopper Tina LargeCalves said:

“I bought everything I could buy. If I’m going to die, I at least want some bread and milk in.”

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Yeah, It’s Going To Piss Down

Morning Weatherchums,

It appears that despite today’s sunny skies, there’s a shitload of rain and thunder on its way to Wales for tomorrow.

Tonight will start mostly clear, especially in the north. Cloud will bubble up overnight though, bringing showers and then some heavy and thundery rain. Minimum Temperature 12°C.

Tomorrow (Thursday) will be an unsettled day, although there will be bouts of some sunshine in parts. Where there is rain, it will be heavy and thundery, with the possibility of leading to some local flooding.

It is advised that all attractive females put on their thin white cotton Rain Deflectors like the one above, pictures of which, you can inbox to my private email address. Maximum Temperature 22°C.

Down here on the farm, we’ll be battening down the hatches and cwtching up with tea, biscuits and an old movie.

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Weather Warning: Shitload Of Thunderstorms Heading For Wales

It looks like we could well be in for another bout of angry thunderstorms as another mass of warm air moves up from the south tomorrow (Friday).

I can’t quite be certain where the storms will hit but when they do, you’ll know about it.
Here’s what the big boss man at the Weather Centre has to say about it all:

“On Friday evening another hot and increasingly humid airmass is expected to spread into the south from the Continent. This airmass looks conducive to the development of isolated thunderstorms during the evening across England and Wales which could become more frequent later in the night as they spread northwards towards Scotland. With large amounts of energy again available in this atmosphere storms could be severe, with torrential downpours and large hail. 30 mm of rain is possible in less than an hour, with as much as 50 mm possible in 3 hours very locally.
Large uncertainty remains regarding areas most at risk from storms, and many areas will miss these altogether, staying largely dry. However, where they do develop, disruption is possible.”

Cwtch up tight Weatherchums!

Derek x

Get Derek the Weathesheep’s best-selling Fifteen Grades of Hay Trilogy here!

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Weather Warning: Shitload of Thunderstorms Bubbling Up For Friday

There’s always a pay-off for anything good isn’t there? And that rings true with the lovely sunny weather we’ve been having – Mother Nature doesn’t want us to have too much fun. With that in mind, she’s sending a shitload of thunderstorms on their way to Wales. Even the Met Office have issued a Severe Weather Warning. Here’s what they’ve got to say for themselves:

“An area of warm, very humid air is expected to move northwards across France into southern Britain later on Thursday and into Friday. Whilst isolated thunderstorms are possible from Thursday, these become more likely and potentially more severe by Friday afternoon, with the potential for 20 to 30 mm falling within an hour or so, probably on a very localised basis. Indications are that a more organised band of heavy rain and thunderstorms will follow by Friday evening and overnight into Saturday, bringing 25 to 50 mm of rain more widely, again with the potential for some very high short-period totals. Given the complexity of the developments leading up to this event, ideas on areas at greatest risk of heavy rainfall and severe thunderstorms may well change, and this warning will be updated accordingly.

Isolated severe thunderstorms seem likely to develop on Friday, these succeeded by a band of more widespread heavy rain and occasional thunderstorms, moving gradually north later in the day, affecting much of the highlighted region into the early hours of Saturday morning.  The public should be aware that there is a chance of some very localised significant disruption, mainly from surface water flooding. Lightning and hail could also cause some impacts.”

So there you have it. Stock up on teabags and biscuits and cwtch up tight – we could be in for a real treat! And remember – if you’re going to get struck by lightning, always wear wellies and try and outrun the strike if you can.

Derek the Weathersheep x