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Weather Thursday 3rd January

A cold, crisp winter’s day with plenty of sunshine in eastern and central areas. Any fog that’s hanging around in the morning will lift but patchy cloud will remain in the west. A maximum temperature of 6°C.

Down on the farm, Farmer and Mrs Honey have recovered from the shits and have been planning a romantic day together. They’ve booked into a local hotel and are hoping to get some rumpy pumpy in before heading out for a romantic meal. Farmer Honey’s packed his viagra and Mrs Honey has packed her Richard Clayderman CD.

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Weather Wednesday 2nd January

After any freezing fog patches melt away, we can expect a shiny springlike day with big yellow blobs of sunshine all over Wales. Feeling cold with light winds. Maximum temperature of 5°C.

Down on the farm, 2019 hasn’t got off to the best of starts as Mr and Mrs Honey have come down with the shits. Farmer Honey’s been blaming it on a bad pint of Skol but Mrs Honey is convinced that it’s the dodgy kebabs they had on New Year’s Eve. Either way, there are some awful noises coming from the farmhouse.

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Weather Tuesday 1st January

Grey, grumbly skies with rain and drizzle moving southwards throughout the day. As it clears from the north, Wales can expect shiny sunshiney skies. Becoming dry later. Maximum temperature 10°C.

Down on the farm, we’ve been saying goodbye to 2018 and hello to 2019 by all heading into the barn and getting jiggy with one another. Nothing like a big sheep love session to start the new year.

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Weather Sunday 30th December

light rain

Another boringly grey and dismal day with nothing to report apart from some slight drizzle and erm…that’s about it. Maximum temperature 12°C.

Down on the farm, we’re getting ready for New Year’s Eve by preparing for our fancy dress party. Dai Llama’s coming as Donald Trump, Dolly’s got herself a Wonder Woman outfit while I’m still deciding between H from Steps or Derek Brockway. It’s so hard being me.

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Weather Saturday 29th December

light rain

A grey and miserable day, with drizzly rain edging south, leaving the north brighter later on. Light rain arriving in the north overnight. That’s about as boring as it gets. Maximum temperature 12°C.

Down on the farm, we’re all still recovering from Christmas so we’ve packed away the tree and all the decorations and Farmer Honey’s been down the local Kwik Save to stock up on some Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

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Today’s forecast: 100% chance of boob sweat

Wales is expected to swelter in another very warm day today, bringing with it a 100% chance of boob sweat.

Boob sweat has become a real issue for some women, and men who eat too much shit.

A spokesman for the Sweaty Boob Society told WalesOnCraic:

“This heatwave has created a boob sweat epidemic. We haven’t seen levels like this since the ’70s. Supplies of underboob deodorant have virtually dried up so we’re all in this together. Looking at the forecast, it’s also unlikely that there is an end in sight too, since this heatwave looks like it’s going to go on for months and months. Here at the Sweaty Boob Society, we are giving out leaflets to advise people on what to do if they are suffering from excessive boob sweat. We are advising people to send in photographs of their sweaty boobs so that we can analyse them on the best course of action.”

Temperatures topped 5 billion degrees yesterday in Wales and one ginger person spontaneously exploded outside Iceland on Saturday.

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Weather Office issue Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning

The National Weather Office has issued a Yellow Wheelie Bin Warning as gale force winds move into the UK.

The warning means that wheelie bins should be secured to avoid them blowing over or even flying through the air.

Derek the Weathersheep, honorary member of the National Weather Office told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got some pretty heavy winds moving into the UK and as we’ve seen in the past, this can cause devastation for the nation’s wheelie bins. Worst affected areas will be those who have just had a bin collection because their bins will be empty and more susceptible to movement. We’ve already heard reports of food bins being strewn across roads in Scotland and scenes of destruction like this will pop up all over the UK as winds move southward. We are also expecting snow so combined with the heavy winds, we could be in for a torrid time.”

Hamish McDonald from Aberdeen got in touch with his local media to tell them that his wheelie bin had blown over.

“My wheelie bin blew over,” he told local reporters.

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Storm Barbara set to batter shit out of UK this Christmas Eve

Storm Barbara is set to batter the shit out of the UK when she thumps into the country on Christmas Eve.

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for parts of the UK and Santa is having to take extra precautions with his flight plan.

Wales’s weather guru, Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s a big storm and it’s headed right for us. Sadly, it’s due to hit us on Christmas Eve. Poor old Santa’s likely to get battered around a bit so he’ll need to take extra care. Gusts of up to 90mph are expected for people in northern areas of the UK, not that anyone cares much about them. It will be accompanied by heavy rain and grumblings of ‘Shitty weather isn’t it?’. I advise everyone to stay indoors, crack open the Baileys and get totally smashed.”

The storm has been named Barbara after Dame Barbara Cartland DBE CStJ, born as Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland, an English author of romance novels, and one of the most prolific and commercially successful worldwide of the twentieth century.

The Daily Express has advised its readers to prepare for Armageddon (again).

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Cold weather ‘set to last until we get some warm weather’

The current cold snap affecting the UK is set to last until we get some warm weather, according to experts.

Temperatures across Britain have plummeted to 5 or 6 degrees, prompting panic buying and petrol shortages. Head Meteorologist Brian McCloud told WalesOnCraic:

“This cold weather has come along and made us all feel very cold. Personally, I blame this Tory government who just keep on slashing away at things – in this case – the temperatures. I can only see this cold snap lasting until some warmer weather comes along. That’s just my opinion of course, not that it counts for much. I’m actually looking for a new job if you know of anything going. I’m good with my hands but can’t do anything that includes heights because I go all giddy and piss my pants.”

Tonight’s forecast – dark until morning when light will spread to most parts.

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UK set to be hit by Armageddon-like temperatures of -2°C and slight drizzle

The UK is set to be hit by Armageddon-like temperatures of -2°C and slight drizzle next week.

The WORLD-ENDING weather has been picked up by weather experts at the Daily Express newspaper.

The Daily Express’s Nathan Rao, the world’s leading meteorologist in the world, told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve never seen anything like this before ever. It’s the end of the world as we know it. Temperatures will PLUNGE to -2°C in some rural parts of Scotland next week, killing off the entire population of the UK. On top of that, we’ve got some slight drizzle moving in from the Atlantic, which will make all the corpses DAMP, making them not look very nice. After that, we can expect trains to be DERAILED, deliveries of bread and milk to the shops will be CANCELLED and it’ll be really, really TERRIBLE. I have to emphasise that in CAPITAL LETTERS to make sure you understand the severity of what I am saying.”

Residents of Wales have already bought all the milk and bread in Tesco in response to the Daily Express’s warning. Shopper Tina LargeCalves said:

“I bought everything I could buy. If I’m going to die, I at least want some bread and milk in.”