A beluga whale that was allegedly working on behalf of the Russian spy agency has told the media that he was just looking for Salisbury Cathedral.
The whale was found by Norwegian fishermen and was apparently armed with an AK-47 and a Tourists’ Guide to Salisbury.
The whale told reporters:
“I’ve heard about this legendary cathedral that you have in Salisbury. Its tower measures a wonderful 123 metres into the air. I set off from St Petersburg three weeks ago and I think I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere along the line. The next thing I know, I’m swimming alongside some fishermen who turn out to be Norwegian. They were very kind and fed me some of their fish and they also patted me on the nose. They were concerned about some strapping that I had around me but I like to keep my tourist guides strapped in there so I can reach it with ease.”
One of the Norwegian fishermen said something but it was in Norwegian so we didn’t know what he said.
The beluga whale has said that some of his dolphin mates have also been to Hereford, where they were looking to join the SAS.
Women’s private parts are braced for President Trump’s visit to the UK in June.
The tangerine lothario is renowned for helping himself to women’s bits and authorities have warned women to be prepared.
A spokesman for the Government said:
“We all know that Lover Boy has wandering hands so we’re putting it out there now so that women are prepared. Trump once infamously told a television host that he can do anything to women, including ‘grabbing them by the pussy’. As we all know, most women would vomit on him, but he likes to think that he’s bit of a boy. We are letting women know now in advance, rather than be unexpectedly grabbed.”
A spokesman for the White House added:
“President Trump’s inauguration was the biggest this universe has ever seen. Period. I don’t know why you keep bringing this up. There were billions of people there.”
It started off so well. In a bid to silence his right-wing anti-EU backbenchers once and for all, Prime Minister David Cameron took the rare decision to offer the people of the UK a referendum. They were asked whether they wanted to remain in the European Union or to leave. Confident that the people would deliver what Cameron wanted, he put it to the public vote. And in June 2016, the people of the UK spoke. Then it all went to shit.
Here’s what we know so far:
> The price of Freddos has remained volatile with experts predicting that the public could see a 5p increase over the next 10 years
> Politicians keep wanting to punch each other in the face
> David Cameron flew to France following the referendum result and now lives in a pig farm
> Two Brexit ministers have resigned in the last two years
> Andrew Marr has so many questions to ask, he’s doesn’t know his arsehole from his elbow
> The UK will be paying the EU £39bn for no reason whatsoever> The Irish have no idea what’s going on
> Nigel Farage’s teeth could be deported for not being white enough
> Theresa May can’t dance
> Boris Johnson is living in a drey in a forest with some squirrels
> No one knows what the fuck is going on
> Brexiteers are still hoping to get bendy bananas
> All UK subjects living in the EU will have to move back to the UK or become citizens of the country that they are currently living in
> A 20ft high wall will be built between Wales and England to keep Welsh sheep out of England
> Donald Trump thinks that Brexit is a good thing
> Jeremy Corbyn needs a new coat
> Dominic Raab and Esther McVey are to get new jobs at Trago Mills in Merthyr
That’s all we know for now. We’re going for a lie down in a dark room.
Buckingham Palace has announced that the Royal baby is to be named Legoland Windsor.
The news came as the Royal couple announced news that Meghan would be blasting one out her front bum next year.
A Royal spokesman told WalesOnCraic:
“Harry and Meghan have been struggling for days to think up a name. They were originally toying with the idea of Troy Windsor for a boy and Barbara Windsor for a girl but they decided that they wanted something with more urban appeal. They decided, in the end, to stick to Legoland Windsor be because that way, the Royal baby would be signposted on the M4.”
The new baby will be fith in line to the throne, behind his or her grandfather Prince Charles, father Prince William and brother Prince George. Probably. Can’t be arsed to check.
Royal fan Brenda FatAnkles told WalesOnCraic:
“Me and my butty are driving up to London now to see if we can get a view of the new baby coming out of hospital. I’ve bought myself a periscope so I can see over people’s heads – there are no flies on me sunshine.”
The end of the EU’s Freedom of Movement could cause chaos this year for millions of kids.
Santa, a resident of Lapland, could face a restriction of movement thanks to Brexit.
A spokesman for the government said:
“I honestly didn’t think of this when I voted for Brexit but now that we’re starting to realise what we actually voted for, it’s come as a bit of a shock. An end to the current Freedom of Movement policy would mean that Santa would not be able to just fly in and out in one night as he has done for decades. He’d need to apply for a visa, wait several months for one of our chaps to get back to him, and then he’d be told that his application was lost and that he’d have to start again. I think he’ll have to start getting parents to actually buy the toys instead and say that they’re from him. That’s all I can think of at the moment.”
Santa was unimpressed and told WalesOnCraic:
“What a crock of shit that’ll be.”
Spiders across the UK are reportedly in the final stages of planning an autumn of terror.
The arachnids have been breeding like bastards and plotting dark corners to jump out of onto unsuspecting passers-by.
One spider told WalesOnCraic:
“Me and the missis have been banging away all summer to make sure that we’ve got millions of eggs ready to hatch come autumn. My poor old wife’s been popping them out at a rate of 300,000 a day but hopefully by the time the kids go back to school, there’ll be lots of little baby spiders walking around. We are planning to really scare people this year. We’ve mastered the art of hiding under people’s pillows so that we can pop out at night time and walk all over their faces. I’m really looking forward to it.”
Spider expert Prof. Simon Spindlegs said that spiders are also eating shitloads of flies and are hoping to be twice the size they were this time last year.
“We’re expecting spiders the size of your head to pop out behind you while you’re watching Coronation Street this year.”
The spiders are hoping to launch their campaign sometime in September.
The UK’s National Health Service has thrown a huge party to celebrate Jeremy Hunt becoming the new Foreign Secretary.
Doctors and nurses have been spotted cracking opening champagne and dancing in the corridors at the news.
One doctor told WalesOnCraic:
“We are so happy that he has this job. We are so, so happy. As soon as we heard the news, we were getting the beers and alcohol in. We’ve been dancing around the place all day.”
Hunt took over as new Home Secretary after blond bombshell Boris handed in his notice and went on the run. He is reported to be in France with David Cameron, with his trotters up. Jeremy Hunt starts his new job on Monday and has planned to cause chaos from day one.”
“I’m so excited to get my hands on something new to play with,” he told reporters.
Former Bexit minister David ‘David’ Davis has told the cabinet that he’s considering taking up a part-time sales position at Trago Mills.
Davis said he wants a job that he can’t fuck up too much.
A spokesman for Mr Davis said:
“As you can imagine, Dave has had a torrid few years since he was appointed Minister for Brexit. Every day has been sheer hell and he now wants a job that where he has limited responsibility and that he doesn’t have to think about around the clock. He wants to do his work, finish his shift and come home and watch box sets of Hi-De-Hi, or another comedy of similar ilk. He’s spotted a part-time sales assistant at Trago Mills and has forwarded his CV for inclusion in the next round of interviews.”
Davis resigned from his role as Brexit Minister, saying that it’d all gone to shit.
Trago Mills said that it’d look at Mr Davis’ CV and put it on file in case any vacancies came up in the future.
The Queen is planning to pull a sickie when President Trump visits next month.
Sources close to the Palace say that she’s going to say that she’s got the screaming shits to avoid having to spend time with Mr Trump.
A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:
“The Queen has been very busy opening fetes and leisure centres these last few weeks and the last thing that one wants is to sit through banquets with the insufferable Mr Trump. Ma’am has already started sowing the seeds of her sickie by complaining of tummy cramps and one will escalate these during the next few days so that when the Supreme Leader arrives in the UK, she’ll be complaining of having the screaming abdabs. She’ll be hoping to sit in and watch Loose Women for most of the day while Trump is here.”
A spokeswoman for the White House said:
“Did you see the size of the crowds at Trump’s inauguration? Jeez? I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people. There were literally like billions of people there. Period.”
Actor Danny ‘Farking’ Dyer has been appointed the new Home Secretary after giving an impassioned speech on Brexit live on TV.
Dyer, who often walks around talking in a London accent, starts his new job on Monday.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“Iss farking mental. I was on the telly last night and the next fing I know, the she-geezer at No 10 is giving us a job. I says ‘No farking way missis. Not on your farking nelly’ but then she told me that I gets a posh car and a new phone. I says ‘Orrite. Keep yer wig on missis’ so I gives her my CV and then next farking thing I know, I’ve been given the job of Home Secretary. I’ve got no idea what I’ve got to do but I guess it’s similar to what I do nar.”
Dyer appeared on Good Evening Britain last night and said the word ‘Twat’ very loudly and with great clarity.