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BREAKING: Kwasi Kwarteng to start new job in JD Sports

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Former Chancellor of the Cock-p, Kwasi Kwarteng, will be starting a new job at the Merthyr branch of JD Sports from Monday.

Kwarteng will be kept away from the tills as he can’t be trusted with money, but will help replenish shelves with new lines of sportswear.

A spokesman for Downing Street told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re sorry to see him go. Actually, we’re not. I’m not sure what planet he was on but it definitely wasn’t Earth. We’ve spoken to the people at JD Sports and they said that they’d take him on as an apprentice. He starts on Monday.”

Kelly BigDaps, who works at the Merthyr branch of the famous sportswear shop said:

“Kwasi who? Nope. Never heard of her. I’m glad we’re getting someone new though because I need to have some time off for my hen night and maybe Kwasi can cover some of my shifts for me. Lush.”

Kwarteng is expected to undergo three weeks of training before being allowed to stack shelves.

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