A Welsh pharmaceutical firm has launched the world’s first all-in-one happy morning pill.
The pill contains caffeine, an artificial sense of self-worth and 200% of your daily patience to help you face the cockwombles you work with first thing in the morning.
CEO Steven Whitecoat told WalesOnCraic:
“We know how hard it is to get out of bed in the mornings, especially when you’ve got a crappy job like mine. We thought we’d make some money out of these poor mugs so we’ve invented the all-in-one morning pill to help people at least get to lunch time. The pill contains a huge dose of caffeine to save you making a cup of coffee. It also contains lots of artificial boosters of self-worth so that users can feel that they are going to work for some reason, whatever that is. We will soon be looking to launch a new range that includes nicotine for the faggers, and also a range that can inhibit sexual arousal for the younger users, but boost it for some of our older ones. I know for a fact that I’d rather sit on the toilet for 45 minutes in the mornings than make love to my wife, especially when she’s belching and farting and breathing on me with that hippo breath of hers.”
One user said:
“Whenever I wake up, I ask myself the same question – why am I here and not in a beach in the Bahamas. These new pills allow me to at least pretend that I’m good at my job, and that my job is important. That way, I can get through the day till tea time when I come home and down two bottles of wine.”
The pills will be available from all good chemists, plus some crap ones.