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Problem Page April 2019

Since announcing the new problem page almost an hour ago, we have been received literally some letters asking for help and advice. Please note, many of the names have been changed to protect identities. Like Terry Clarke from Bridgend, who is really Brendon Phillips from Neath.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have a nasty rash on the underside of my penis. Can you help?

Sheila, Port Talbot

Dear Sheila,

There are several creams I could recommend, none of which would help. I suggest you seek medical and psychiatric help.

Dear Lee Beloved,

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?

Kevin, Bangor

Dear Kevin,

I really couldn’t say.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have just been made redundant after working for the same company for 15 years. The redundancy package was much less than I was expecting and, as I have three children, a large credit card debt and a mortgage I’m worried about what to do next. I have applied for several jobs but so far been unsuccessful. What would you suggest?

Steve, Rhondda

Dear Steve,

I suggest you buy (or rent if you can’t afford it) Series 2 of the Office. There are some really funny bits in it, especially the bit where David Brent (the main character) does a dance.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend always embarrasses me in front of my friends. Whenever we all sit in the pub to share a bottle of wine (a Chilean Merlot or a French Sancerre) she just wants to drink pints of lager and eat Pork Scratchings. And she never wants to come to the nice restaurants with us (there’s a particularly splendid Spanish restaurant nearby which serves the most dreamy Patatas Bravas) she only ever wants to have a curry. And she’d prefer to go and watch her team play football than come to the opening night of La Traviata. Also, when I just want to talk, she only ever wants to have sex. Please help.

Terry, Saundersfoot

Dear Terry,

This might come as a slight shock, but there is every chance you are gay. Don’t be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. It simply means that you prefer the company of men to women. I suggest you finish with your girlfriend. And send me her number.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend’s mother keeps making a pass at me every time I go to her house. She’s still quite fit and she’s got most of her own teeth. Would it be against the law or the Bible if I slept with her? Or even had a snog and a grope or something?

Barry, Barry

Dear Barry,

The Bible states, and I quote; ‘Thou should not covet thy neighbour’s ox’. Now people have taken this to mean many things – although a lot of them don’t really understand what ‘covet’ means. I suggest you either stop going round to her house, or carry on going round to her house. I hope this helps.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My fiancé and I have always had a good relationship, but recently I’m finding things a bit strained. She works nights as a Personal Assistant in an office in Soho, London. Occasionally I pop along to surprise her and have seen her walking either to or from the office. She’s always pleased to see me but tells me that she can’t chat, as she has to get back to work. I know she works hard (sometimes she has to do two jobs at the same time) and I know that she does what ever she can for me. In fact she recently managed to get me off a speeding conviction recently just by smiling at the judge – who seemed to know her. The problem is, when she comes home, she’s too tired for sex. All she wants to do is have a shower, then a bath, then another shower and then cuddle up on the sofa. Is this normal?

Newport, Newport

Dear Newport,

I’m sending you a copy of my free leaflet; ‘Something’s Not Quite Right Here’. It should answer most of your queries. If not, it has a great join-the-dots teaser and a cryptic crossword puzzle. When you receive the leaflet, please send us a cheque for £7.50 to cover package and postage.

Dear Lee Beloved,

Whenever I laugh, I accidentally wet myself. What do you advise?

Robert, Cwmbran. But originally from Swansea

Dear Robert,

I suggest watching an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Dear Lee Beloved,

In Star Wars IV A New Hope, Han Solo boasts that he has done the Kessell Run in 12 parsecs in the Millennium Falcon. Is this true, and if so has the record been beaten since then?

George, Merthyr

Dear George,

It is true, and the record has yet to be broken.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My wife has just had a baby. I know for definite I am the father, but how could she prove to me that she is definitely the mother?

Hugh, Tredegar

Dear Hugh,

I suggest DNA testing. Or an appearance on Jeremy Kyle.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My dog’s got no nose.

Gerald, Baglan

Dear Gerald,

Don’t worry, even without basic olfactory glands, your dog will be able to live a normal life. Unless of course he’s a police sniffer dog, in which case you should have him put down.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 18 months and it has so far been going really well. That was up until last week, when she suggested that her friend Crystal, who’s a lap dancer, join us for a threesome. I think the idea is disgusting and appalling. What do you think?

John, That Place Where They made ‘The Prisoner’

Dear John,

I refer you to the answer I gave to Terry.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I like to dress up in women’s clothing and walk around the house. Is this normal?

Carol, Rhyl

Dear Carol,

Yes.