What’s in the stars for you this April?

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Your fundamental guide to the firmament by astrologist to the stars, Lee Beloved

CANCER

Ship problems are on the horizon. Relation-ship that is. But don’t worry, like all Cancerians you are able to bury your hand in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. Take some ‘you’ time, put others before yourself, look before you leap and remember that he who hesitates is lost. Your lucky number for this week is green.

LEO

The only sign of the zodiac which is an anagram of Ole, they say that Leonians are renowned for being rebellious. But to be honest I don’t agree with half the things they say and between you and me I think they’ve been drinking. Remember, life might be a rollercoaster but it’s cold outside and there’s a strong south easterly wind. Better do your duffle up to the top and wear a scarf.

VIRGO

Virgo sounds like Virgin, but you’re not one – although you might as well be considering how often you get any. It’s time to be more assertive with the opposite sex. Don’t just study pornography and dream, go out and find a real person. Then take pictures of them and lock the pictures in a sealed box. That way they’ll never leave you.

LIBRA

Most Librans are quiet and like to work in a similar environment. Although that could be librarians. Either way, it’s about time you stopped looking at both sides of an argument and instead take one side and stick with it. Even if you disagree with it. No one likes a fence-sitter. Unless they’re going away and need someone to keep an eye on their fence for a few days.

SCORPIO

Most Scorpios are brill. But that doesn’t mean anything. Remember, although it takes two to tango it only takes one to know one. Your problems are two-fold, but taking an Origami course won’t help. As with all Scorpios, you suspect your partner is cheating on you. In your case it’s true.

SAGITTARIUS

It’s time for a change. And I don’t mean your pants. Although you really should. Tell your boss you want a pay rise or you’re going to look for a new job and tell your girlfriend that she had better change her idea about not doing any kinky stuff or you’re walking. But do bear in mind, I could be wrong.

CAPRICORN

Although all the others have a compatible star sign, Capricornians are destined to live a solitary life and die alone. But it’s not all bad. I myself am a Capricorn and live a carefree happy existence. I don’t need anyone else. Really. At all. I….I….I wish I was a Scorpio.

AQUARIUS

One of the most powerful ‘Fire’ signs, Aquariums come in all different sizes. Although rarely perpendicular.  With your irrational fear of jelly tots, Aquarianites like yourself have the ability to fly but rarely use it. Remember, Fame doesn’t really make you live forever. Your favourite fruit is a guava.

GEMINI

With the Eurovision Song Contest drawing near, this is not a happy time for you. Also, with Saturn in its descendency and Mercury rising, you will feel down, depressed and desperate. But be careful you don’t go on your usual spending spree or rely on comfort foods like sweets and chocolates. The last thing you need is for Mars to be passing through Uranus.

PISCES

An underrated sign (mainly due to its bad review in the 1974 Astrological Guide), you Pisceans are a delicate if not abnormal breed. With your chicken legs and toes in the shape of aliens, you have overcome all obstacles to get where you are. But you really should get down before you fall. Famous Piscepetians are Nemo out of Finding Nemo and Marina out of Stingray.

ARIES

You are gullible and easily conned. But it’s time to stop. The best way to do this is to buy my new leaflet; ‘Stop Being Gullible and Easily Conned.’ Please send your bank details to my email address: leebeloved@hotmail.com and I’ll do the rest. Remember to start your email with “Dear Lee Beloved…”

TAURUS

You’re happy and you know it, but you’re not clapping your hands. Don’t worry, this is what being a Tauriscean is all about. Stop hiding your emotions and stand up and be counted. You’ll find the total is 1. Many famous people are Taureadors, whilst a lot more of them are not.