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Protesters protest at lack of reasons to protest

Hardline protesters have staged a mass protest over the lack of reasons for them to protest.

General Protest Secretary: Alexa Amazon said:

“We’ve done Brexit, Trump and other important stuff but now we need something new.”

Amazon admitted that they were a bit lost.

“We’re a bit lost,” she admitted.

The General Protest Secretary agreed that being lost was actually ironic given the initials of her title.




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I’ve Never Seen That “End Game Of Thrones”

Gav N Stacey from Bridgend has admitted that he has never watched any Super Hero Film nor a single episode of Game of Thrones.

“That’s all people talk about and I’m sick of it,” said 55-year-old Mr Stacey from his basement room in his parents’ house.

“I’m proud not to have watched any of it and I NEVER will! There are other, more important things in life, like fishing and other types of fishing.”

Stacey, who admits to being on the Witness Protection Scheme, has devoted his life to never watching anything popular and only once saw 2 minutes of an episode of Friends because he sat on the TV controller.

Ironically, none of his own friends were available for comment. Or available. Or existing.




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Problem Page April 2019

Since announcing the new problem page almost an hour ago, we have been received literally some letters asking for help and advice. Please note, many of the names have been changed to protect identities. Like Terry Clarke from Bridgend, who is really Brendon Phillips from Neath.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have a nasty rash on the underside of my penis. Can you help?

Sheila, Port Talbot

Dear Sheila,

There are several creams I could recommend, none of which would help. I suggest you seek medical and psychiatric help.

Dear Lee Beloved,

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?

Kevin, Bangor

Dear Kevin,

I really couldn’t say.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have just been made redundant after working for the same company for 15 years. The redundancy package was much less than I was expecting and, as I have three children, a large credit card debt and a mortgage I’m worried about what to do next. I have applied for several jobs but so far been unsuccessful. What would you suggest?

Steve, Rhondda

Dear Steve,

I suggest you buy (or rent if you can’t afford it) Series 2 of the Office. There are some really funny bits in it, especially the bit where David Brent (the main character) does a dance.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend always embarrasses me in front of my friends. Whenever we all sit in the pub to share a bottle of wine (a Chilean Merlot or a French Sancerre) she just wants to drink pints of lager and eat Pork Scratchings. And she never wants to come to the nice restaurants with us (there’s a particularly splendid Spanish restaurant nearby which serves the most dreamy Patatas Bravas) she only ever wants to have a curry. And she’d prefer to go and watch her team play football than come to the opening night of La Traviata. Also, when I just want to talk, she only ever wants to have sex. Please help.

Terry, Saundersfoot

Dear Terry,

This might come as a slight shock, but there is every chance you are gay. Don’t be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. It simply means that you prefer the company of men to women. I suggest you finish with your girlfriend. And send me her number.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend’s mother keeps making a pass at me every time I go to her house. She’s still quite fit and she’s got most of her own teeth. Would it be against the law or the Bible if I slept with her? Or even had a snog and a grope or something?

Barry, Barry

Dear Barry,

The Bible states, and I quote; ‘Thou should not covet thy neighbour’s ox’. Now people have taken this to mean many things – although a lot of them don’t really understand what ‘covet’ means. I suggest you either stop going round to her house, or carry on going round to her house. I hope this helps.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My fiancé and I have always had a good relationship, but recently I’m finding things a bit strained. She works nights as a Personal Assistant in an office in Soho, London. Occasionally I pop along to surprise her and have seen her walking either to or from the office. She’s always pleased to see me but tells me that she can’t chat, as she has to get back to work. I know she works hard (sometimes she has to do two jobs at the same time) and I know that she does what ever she can for me. In fact she recently managed to get me off a speeding conviction recently just by smiling at the judge – who seemed to know her. The problem is, when she comes home, she’s too tired for sex. All she wants to do is have a shower, then a bath, then another shower and then cuddle up on the sofa. Is this normal?

Newport, Newport

Dear Newport,

I’m sending you a copy of my free leaflet; ‘Something’s Not Quite Right Here’. It should answer most of your queries. If not, it has a great join-the-dots teaser and a cryptic crossword puzzle. When you receive the leaflet, please send us a cheque for £7.50 to cover package and postage.

Dear Lee Beloved,

Whenever I laugh, I accidentally wet myself. What do you advise?

Robert, Cwmbran. But originally from Swansea

Dear Robert,

I suggest watching an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Dear Lee Beloved,

In Star Wars IV A New Hope, Han Solo boasts that he has done the Kessell Run in 12 parsecs in the Millennium Falcon. Is this true, and if so has the record been beaten since then?

George, Merthyr

Dear George,

It is true, and the record has yet to be broken.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My wife has just had a baby. I know for definite I am the father, but how could she prove to me that she is definitely the mother?

Hugh, Tredegar

Dear Hugh,

I suggest DNA testing. Or an appearance on Jeremy Kyle.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My dog’s got no nose.

Gerald, Baglan

Dear Gerald,

Don’t worry, even without basic olfactory glands, your dog will be able to live a normal life. Unless of course he’s a police sniffer dog, in which case you should have him put down.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 18 months and it has so far been going really well. That was up until last week, when she suggested that her friend Crystal, who’s a lap dancer, join us for a threesome. I think the idea is disgusting and appalling. What do you think?

John, That Place Where They made ‘The Prisoner’

Dear John,

I refer you to the answer I gave to Terry.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I like to dress up in women’s clothing and walk around the house. Is this normal?

Carol, Rhyl

Dear Carol,

Yes.

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What’s in the stars for you this April?

Your fundamental guide to the firmament by astrologist to the stars, Lee Beloved

CANCER

Ship problems are on the horizon. Relation-ship that is. But don’t worry, like all Cancerians you are able to bury your hand in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. Take some ‘you’ time, put others before yourself, look before you leap and remember that he who hesitates is lost. Your lucky number for this week is green.

LEO

The only sign of the zodiac which is an anagram of Ole, they say that Leonians are renowned for being rebellious. But to be honest I don’t agree with half the things they say and between you and me I think they’ve been drinking. Remember, life might be a rollercoaster but it’s cold outside and there’s a strong south easterly wind. Better do your duffle up to the top and wear a scarf.

VIRGO

Virgo sounds like Virgin, but you’re not one – although you might as well be considering how often you get any. It’s time to be more assertive with the opposite sex. Don’t just study pornography and dream, go out and find a real person. Then take pictures of them and lock the pictures in a sealed box. That way they’ll never leave you.

LIBRA

Most Librans are quiet and like to work in a similar environment. Although that could be librarians. Either way, it’s about time you stopped looking at both sides of an argument and instead take one side and stick with it. Even if you disagree with it. No one likes a fence-sitter. Unless they’re going away and need someone to keep an eye on their fence for a few days.

SCORPIO

Most Scorpios are brill. But that doesn’t mean anything. Remember, although it takes two to tango it only takes one to know one. Your problems are two-fold, but taking an Origami course won’t help. As with all Scorpios, you suspect your partner is cheating on you. In your case it’s true.

SAGITTARIUS

It’s time for a change. And I don’t mean your pants. Although you really should. Tell your boss you want a pay rise or you’re going to look for a new job and tell your girlfriend that she had better change her idea about not doing any kinky stuff or you’re walking. But do bear in mind, I could be wrong.

CAPRICORN

Although all the others have a compatible star sign, Capricornians are destined to live a solitary life and die alone. But it’s not all bad. I myself am a Capricorn and live a carefree happy existence. I don’t need anyone else. Really. At all. I….I….I wish I was a Scorpio.

AQUARIUS

One of the most powerful ‘Fire’ signs, Aquariums come in all different sizes. Although rarely perpendicular.  With your irrational fear of jelly tots, Aquarianites like yourself have the ability to fly but rarely use it. Remember, Fame doesn’t really make you live forever. Your favourite fruit is a guava.

GEMINI

With the Eurovision Song Contest drawing near, this is not a happy time for you. Also, with Saturn in its descendency and Mercury rising, you will feel down, depressed and desperate. But be careful you don’t go on your usual spending spree or rely on comfort foods like sweets and chocolates. The last thing you need is for Mars to be passing through Uranus.

PISCES

An underrated sign (mainly due to its bad review in the 1974 Astrological Guide), you Pisceans are a delicate if not abnormal breed. With your chicken legs and toes in the shape of aliens, you have overcome all obstacles to get where you are. But you really should get down before you fall. Famous Piscepetians are Nemo out of Finding Nemo and Marina out of Stingray.

ARIES

You are gullible and easily conned. But it’s time to stop. The best way to do this is to buy my new leaflet; ‘Stop Being Gullible and Easily Conned.’ Please send your bank details to my email address: leebeloved@hotmail.com and I’ll do the rest. Remember to start your email with “Dear Lee Beloved…”

TAURUS

You’re happy and you know it, but you’re not clapping your hands. Don’t worry, this is what being a Tauriscean is all about. Stop hiding your emotions and stand up and be counted. You’ll find the total is 1. Many famous people are Taureadors, whilst a lot more of them are not.