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Warm weather to last until it gets cooler

The warm weather currently being experienced in Wales will last until we get some cooler weather.

Experts have said that the warmer weather is the result of what is called Spring, one of the four seasons of the year.

James TwoSheds of the Wales Weather Forum told WalesOnCraic:

“We see this happen every year and we’re never quite prepared for it. My wife wants to sit in the garden and get her tits out but as usual, we don’t have any sun cream apart that shitty stuff we bought for holiday last year. It means that on my first day off in a while, I’ve got to go to Asda to go and get her some because she can’t be bothered to get off her arse and go get some herself. It’s exactly this kind of thing that puts a strain on our marriage, especially at a time when we could really do with pulling together. We haven’t had fun together for so long and I’m considering going to see some sort of therapist as it’s really taken its toll on my self-confidence.”

When asked about the weather, TwoShed said:

“Oh yeah. It’ll be warm until it gets cooler again.”





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OFFICIAL: Taxi drivers can drive and park where they want

A government report has officially declared that taxi drivers can drive and park wherever they want.

It means that taxi drivers can now legally pull out sharply in front of other motorists, drive on the wrong side of the road and park on double yellow lines.

A spokesman for the Taxi Drivers Association of Some Bits of Wales said:

“This is great news and backs up all of the amazing stuff we’ve been doing over the years. I’ve always told our boys and girls that they have complete freedom of our roads and it’s nice for this to be recognised by the Government. We now no longer have to live in fear of being called ‘dickheads’ and ‘arseholes’, which will make our days a lot easier. In return, we just ask that passengers don’t ask what time we start and finish and whether we’ve been busy. That’s all we ask.”

A government spokesman said:

“It’s long been traditional for taxi drivers to park where they want. In fact, on the way to this very important meeting, my driver stopped on the middle of the M4 – just because he could. We’re now making sure that this privilege doesn’t go unnoticed.”





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Woman called Angharad changes name to Anne Harris

angharad

A Welsh woman called Angharad has changed her name to Anne Harris by deed poll.

The 32-year-old office worker was fed up of trying to pronounce her name to her London colleagues.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I moved to London back in 2016. At first, I enjoyed not speaking to anyone because most people are arseholes. But eventually, I got myself a job so I had to start meeting new people. Of course, one of the first things people ask is what your name is and every time I tried telling them that it was Angharad, they all thought I was saying Anne Harris. I’ve been here three frigging years and not one person knows what my real name is. Whether it’s on the phone, in the staff room or in the shitter, everyone calls me Anne Harris. I’ve therefore decided to officially call myself Anne Harris to make things easier. I can’t be doing with it any more.”

Anne Harris’s girlfriend, also called Angharad, has decided to stick to her name of Angharad because she likes it.

Anne added:

“I might change my middle name too because if they can’t understand the name Angharad, God knows how they’ll pronounce Blodwyn.”





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Newcastle Emlyn woman calls on Scotland to ban UPKILTING

upkilting

A 24 year old bride from Newcastle Emlyn has called upon Scotland’s First Minister to ban upkilting.

Ffion Minger-MacDonald contacted WalesonCraic’s reporter for the Celtic Regions, Jock Strappe, saying:

“I am pleased to see that upskirting has been banned in the UK, but it does not ban upkilting. It is sexist.”

Ffion went on:

“It was only when Hamish and I were getting married in Edinburgh, did I realise what Scottish women were like, when a man is in a kilt, especially if he is getting married. Hamish is a proud Scot and I met him at the Millennium Stadium when Scotland were playing Wales. He was in his kilt then. I suppose I was as bad, as I was determined to have a look. His shoelaces were undone, so I went down to tie them for him and I had a quick glance up. I suppose it lasted a minute or two. And that was it. Love at first sight.”

Ffion added:

“Well, that was three years ago and fast forward to our wedding day and I was shocked at everyone trying to get a peep up his kilt. Even my Mum, Bronwen, was having a sly look. Even my gay brother, Dafydd, was trying to get a peep. I am have written to Nicola Sturgeon and have asked for equality and demand that upkilting be made illegal and the sentencing and fines mirror those guilty of upskirting.”

WalesonCraic Celtic Regions reporter, Jock Strappe said:

“The Scottish Government is in a quandary. The Scots are proud and the men are expected to go commando under their kilts, but girl power has seen an upsurge in upkilting and the Scottish First Minister has not seen it as a priority to ban upkilting. And there have been calls from the Conservatives opposition leader for the First Minister to resign.”

Ffion said:

“I was greatly offended that women and Dafydd were doing all they could to look at my Hamish’s meat and two veg on our wedding day. They have no shame these days. Upkilting must be banned. Mind you, after a few pints, Hamish was showing everything to everyone, anyway, so I don’t know whether the law should be involved.”

A spokesperson for the Scottish First Minister said:

“It’s only harmless fun and men can get around it by wearing a pair of boxers, so is there a need for a ban?”




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Swansea Bay to get Colossus statue of Alun Wyn Jones

Swansea Bay is to get a Colossus statue of Alun Wyn Jones in honour of his Grand Slam achievements.

The statue will stand over 120ft high and will bestride the narrow entrance to the Maritime Quarter.

A spokesman for Swansea Statue Association said:

“Alun led our troops to a Grand Slam victory last month with three broken legs and five broken arms. He is a true warrior and the best way we can honour his achievement is to build the Eighth Wonder of the World. We are going to build a statue of him that’s so impressive, striding the entrance to Swansea Maritime Quarter. It will serve as a warning to all other nations that if you come to Wales with rugby ambitions, you won’t find us a walk in the park. We’re almost decided on what posture he will take and we’ll make sure that we add some gaffer tape around his ears to add authenticity.”

The statue will be constructed of iron tie bars and plated with brass. It will have authentic tears of passion running down its face and will have laser eyes that will shoot any chariots that pass by.

A spokeswoman for Swansea Maritime Quarter said:

“Ooo, there’s lovely innit?”





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Problem Page April 2019

Since announcing the new problem page almost an hour ago, we have been received literally some letters asking for help and advice. Please note, many of the names have been changed to protect identities. Like Terry Clarke from Bridgend, who is really Brendon Phillips from Neath.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have a nasty rash on the underside of my penis. Can you help?

Sheila, Port Talbot

Dear Sheila,

There are several creams I could recommend, none of which would help. I suggest you seek medical and psychiatric help.

Dear Lee Beloved,

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?

Kevin, Bangor

Dear Kevin,

I really couldn’t say.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have just been made redundant after working for the same company for 15 years. The redundancy package was much less than I was expecting and, as I have three children, a large credit card debt and a mortgage I’m worried about what to do next. I have applied for several jobs but so far been unsuccessful. What would you suggest?

Steve, Rhondda

Dear Steve,

I suggest you buy (or rent if you can’t afford it) Series 2 of the Office. There are some really funny bits in it, especially the bit where David Brent (the main character) does a dance.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend always embarrasses me in front of my friends. Whenever we all sit in the pub to share a bottle of wine (a Chilean Merlot or a French Sancerre) she just wants to drink pints of lager and eat Pork Scratchings. And she never wants to come to the nice restaurants with us (there’s a particularly splendid Spanish restaurant nearby which serves the most dreamy Patatas Bravas) she only ever wants to have a curry. And she’d prefer to go and watch her team play football than come to the opening night of La Traviata. Also, when I just want to talk, she only ever wants to have sex. Please help.

Terry, Saundersfoot

Dear Terry,

This might come as a slight shock, but there is every chance you are gay. Don’t be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. It simply means that you prefer the company of men to women. I suggest you finish with your girlfriend. And send me her number.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend’s mother keeps making a pass at me every time I go to her house. She’s still quite fit and she’s got most of her own teeth. Would it be against the law or the Bible if I slept with her? Or even had a snog and a grope or something?

Barry, Barry

Dear Barry,

The Bible states, and I quote; ‘Thou should not covet thy neighbour’s ox’. Now people have taken this to mean many things – although a lot of them don’t really understand what ‘covet’ means. I suggest you either stop going round to her house, or carry on going round to her house. I hope this helps.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My fiancé and I have always had a good relationship, but recently I’m finding things a bit strained. She works nights as a Personal Assistant in an office in Soho, London. Occasionally I pop along to surprise her and have seen her walking either to or from the office. She’s always pleased to see me but tells me that she can’t chat, as she has to get back to work. I know she works hard (sometimes she has to do two jobs at the same time) and I know that she does what ever she can for me. In fact she recently managed to get me off a speeding conviction recently just by smiling at the judge – who seemed to know her. The problem is, when she comes home, she’s too tired for sex. All she wants to do is have a shower, then a bath, then another shower and then cuddle up on the sofa. Is this normal?

Newport, Newport

Dear Newport,

I’m sending you a copy of my free leaflet; ‘Something’s Not Quite Right Here’. It should answer most of your queries. If not, it has a great join-the-dots teaser and a cryptic crossword puzzle. When you receive the leaflet, please send us a cheque for £7.50 to cover package and postage.

Dear Lee Beloved,

Whenever I laugh, I accidentally wet myself. What do you advise?

Robert, Cwmbran. But originally from Swansea

Dear Robert,

I suggest watching an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Dear Lee Beloved,

In Star Wars IV A New Hope, Han Solo boasts that he has done the Kessell Run in 12 parsecs in the Millennium Falcon. Is this true, and if so has the record been beaten since then?

George, Merthyr

Dear George,

It is true, and the record has yet to be broken.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My wife has just had a baby. I know for definite I am the father, but how could she prove to me that she is definitely the mother?

Hugh, Tredegar

Dear Hugh,

I suggest DNA testing. Or an appearance on Jeremy Kyle.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My dog’s got no nose.

Gerald, Baglan

Dear Gerald,

Don’t worry, even without basic olfactory glands, your dog will be able to live a normal life. Unless of course he’s a police sniffer dog, in which case you should have him put down.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 18 months and it has so far been going really well. That was up until last week, when she suggested that her friend Crystal, who’s a lap dancer, join us for a threesome. I think the idea is disgusting and appalling. What do you think?

John, That Place Where They made ‘The Prisoner’

Dear John,

I refer you to the answer I gave to Terry.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I like to dress up in women’s clothing and walk around the house. Is this normal?

Carol, Rhyl

Dear Carol,

Yes.

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What’s in the stars for you this April?

Your fundamental guide to the firmament by astrologist to the stars, Lee Beloved

CANCER

Ship problems are on the horizon. Relation-ship that is. But don’t worry, like all Cancerians you are able to bury your hand in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. Take some ‘you’ time, put others before yourself, look before you leap and remember that he who hesitates is lost. Your lucky number for this week is green.

LEO

The only sign of the zodiac which is an anagram of Ole, they say that Leonians are renowned for being rebellious. But to be honest I don’t agree with half the things they say and between you and me I think they’ve been drinking. Remember, life might be a rollercoaster but it’s cold outside and there’s a strong south easterly wind. Better do your duffle up to the top and wear a scarf.

VIRGO

Virgo sounds like Virgin, but you’re not one – although you might as well be considering how often you get any. It’s time to be more assertive with the opposite sex. Don’t just study pornography and dream, go out and find a real person. Then take pictures of them and lock the pictures in a sealed box. That way they’ll never leave you.

LIBRA

Most Librans are quiet and like to work in a similar environment. Although that could be librarians. Either way, it’s about time you stopped looking at both sides of an argument and instead take one side and stick with it. Even if you disagree with it. No one likes a fence-sitter. Unless they’re going away and need someone to keep an eye on their fence for a few days.

SCORPIO

Most Scorpios are brill. But that doesn’t mean anything. Remember, although it takes two to tango it only takes one to know one. Your problems are two-fold, but taking an Origami course won’t help. As with all Scorpios, you suspect your partner is cheating on you. In your case it’s true.

SAGITTARIUS

It’s time for a change. And I don’t mean your pants. Although you really should. Tell your boss you want a pay rise or you’re going to look for a new job and tell your girlfriend that she had better change her idea about not doing any kinky stuff or you’re walking. But do bear in mind, I could be wrong.

CAPRICORN

Although all the others have a compatible star sign, Capricornians are destined to live a solitary life and die alone. But it’s not all bad. I myself am a Capricorn and live a carefree happy existence. I don’t need anyone else. Really. At all. I….I….I wish I was a Scorpio.

AQUARIUS

One of the most powerful ‘Fire’ signs, Aquariums come in all different sizes. Although rarely perpendicular.  With your irrational fear of jelly tots, Aquarianites like yourself have the ability to fly but rarely use it. Remember, Fame doesn’t really make you live forever. Your favourite fruit is a guava.

GEMINI

With the Eurovision Song Contest drawing near, this is not a happy time for you. Also, with Saturn in its descendency and Mercury rising, you will feel down, depressed and desperate. But be careful you don’t go on your usual spending spree or rely on comfort foods like sweets and chocolates. The last thing you need is for Mars to be passing through Uranus.

PISCES

An underrated sign (mainly due to its bad review in the 1974 Astrological Guide), you Pisceans are a delicate if not abnormal breed. With your chicken legs and toes in the shape of aliens, you have overcome all obstacles to get where you are. But you really should get down before you fall. Famous Piscepetians are Nemo out of Finding Nemo and Marina out of Stingray.

ARIES

You are gullible and easily conned. But it’s time to stop. The best way to do this is to buy my new leaflet; ‘Stop Being Gullible and Easily Conned.’ Please send your bank details to my email address: leebeloved@hotmail.com and I’ll do the rest. Remember to start your email with “Dear Lee Beloved…”

TAURUS

You’re happy and you know it, but you’re not clapping your hands. Don’t worry, this is what being a Tauriscean is all about. Stop hiding your emotions and stand up and be counted. You’ll find the total is 1. Many famous people are Taureadors, whilst a lot more of them are not.

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Welsh pensioners reveal their favourite pastime of 2019

biddy

Welsh pensioners have revealed that standing in the doorway to Tesco, checking their receipt, is their favourite pastime of 2019.

The golden oldies’ new favourite hobby replaces last year’s winner, which was talking to each other about the latest supermarket offers.

Old aged pensioner Doreen Leatherface told WalesOnCraic:

“I loves standing in the doorway to Tesco to check my receipt. I make sure that I lean right over my trolley and spend at least 15 minutes blocking everybody coming in and going out. The funny thing is, I can’t even read the receipt because I always leave my glasses at home in case I lose them but I’m sure everything adds up. I got some great offer on the chicken today – British chicken too. I wouldn’t eat any of that foreign chicken – you don’t know where it’s come from. I like my chicken to have its head stuck in a vat of electrified water before having its throat sliced so it bleeds to death. That way, the machines can strip it of all its rotting flesh ready for my Albert’s Sunday roast.”

Supermarket boss Timmy Clicketyshoes said:

“We have noticed a marked rise in this new pastime. We’ve introduced some heavies to stand in the doorway and shout abuse at the pensioners if they fail to move.”





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Theresa May ‘seeking part-time position in Lidl’

The-lovely-Therea-May

Britain’s Prime Minister is actively seeking a part-time position in Lidl.

Sources say that the PM is looking for a job where she doesn’t have to think too much.

A spokesman for Downing Street said:

“T’zer’s had it up to her tits with this Brexit thing. She wants to jack it all in and get a tidy little part-time position in Lidl. She doesn’t mind what she does and she’s actually fully till-trained for her days in Dorothy Perkins. She wants a position that she can just walk out of at the end of the day and forget about it.”

A manager at a local Lidl store has confirmed that they have received a CV from Downing Street.

“I’m struggling to see where she’d fit in to be honest. Debbie’s off next month on maternity leave but we’ve got Brenda covering those shifts because Dave’s moving to evening shifts. We’ll see.”

May is currently pissing into the wind with Brexit.

Image: Kuhlmann / MSC

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Ireland to arrive on open top bus

open-top-bus

Ireland will arrive at the Principality Stadium this afternoon on an open top bus.

The Irish team, who aren’t fans of roofs, said that they wanted to embrace the great Welsh weather.

A spokesman for Team Ireland said:

“We don’t like roofs now, no we don’t. We were going to come on a normal bus der, but we tort that we’d be better orf coming in on a bus wit no roof. Roofs are far tew over-rated these days so we tort we’d like to see what da Welsh wedder’s got in store for us and embrace it so. We are looking forward to beating Wales at ta game today.”

A Welsh bus company has confirmed that Team Ireland have hired an open top bus for the day.

“We’ve only got one open top bus and that’s because Terry drove it under a low bridge a few weeks ago and ripped the roof off of it.”