A need insecure psychopath has romantically and publicly asked a woman to be his.
Brandon Dirtygrits followed up his public romantic gesture by giving her an offer she couldn’t refuse – that he needs her.
The woman, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:
“I was out buying some bleach up at Kwik Save when this smelly weirdo came lurking around Aisle 6. Every aisle I went to, he popped up. It was like he was following me. After a while, I bent down to pick up some sponge scourers when I heard a voice behind me. I looked up and it was this guy. He smelt of chicken soup. Before I knew it, he was down on one knee, asking if I’d be his. I didn’t want to be his so I told him to piss off. He then said that he needed me and that made all the difference. We’re now getting married in the morning.”
Store manager Jeff Arsehole said:
“We always love it when people propose in our store. It’s never happened before mind. I have to go now as we’ve got a delivery of kitchen rolls that need getting out on the shelves.”
A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for Valentine’s Day has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for Valentine’s Day.
Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on the big day but to put it towards a holiday instead. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and would go out and buy something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making Valentine’s Day an absolutely shit one.”
Husband Dean added:
“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”
North Walians have developed South Walian accents overnight in BBC Wales’ new show Pitchin It.
The show features everyone except North Walians, where the show is set.
A spokesman for the show said:
“We originally had Gogs here acting but everyone thought that they were from Liverpool. We decided to give everyone a more generic Welsh accent – like something from down south. Everyone loves and recognises a South Walian accent. We also brought in some English actors to make up the numbers. Then we were going to do a gag about them walking into a pub and all the Welsh-speakers suddenly talking Welsh but we didn’t know what they were saying so we knocked that on the head.”
The new TV show features some famous faces and some not-so-famous faces.
“We’re hoping to do ten series of this so just bear with us,” said the spokesman.
The Welsh government has opened 300 hanger management classes across Wales.
The classes will help those who turn into the Incredible Hulk when hungry and those who have to live with it.
Government spokesman Colin Squeakyshoes told WalesOnCraic:
“Here in Wales, we’ve reached an epidemic of hanger-related issues. I can personally relate to this as I got up early to put my bins out and I accidentally woke my boyfriend up. He hadn’t had tea last night because he was too busy watching shit on telly. He realised that he was hungry when he woke up and I only asked him if he wanted a coffee and he threw a chair at me. I then tried to get out of the house to avoid the violence but he punched me in the face and told me that he wanted toast. I’m hoping that these classes can help those affected by outbursts of hanger, and also those who have to live with it.”
Students will be shown how to control their hanger. They’ll also be shown how to eat something so that everyone else doesn’t have to put up with their shit.
Course facilitator Fanny Fudge said:
“It’ll be brutal at first but we’ll have donuts on hand in case things kick off.”
The infamous Ice Bucket Challenge has finally reached Bedlinog, nearly five years later than everyone else.
The ‘challenge’ involved putting some cold water on someone else’s head and erm…that’s about it.
A spokesman for Bedlinog’s Community Forum told WalesOnCraic:
“What it is, we’ve got this challenge wherebys we puts ice cold water on our heads. Not our own heads but someone else’s heads. Or head. What we do it put them in front of a camera and then pours cold water onto their head. Then we nominates someone else to do it so that they can do the challenge. This way, we can beat some poverty and other horrible things. It’s called Ice Bucket Challenge because some people put ice in their bucket of water. That makes it even colder because ice is colder than water. In fact, ice is frozen water which means that it’s really cold.”
The Ice Bucket Challenge first came to prominence in 2014. It became the internet sensation of the year and sparked a series of less successful crazes such as The Dog Shit Challenge and the 22 Press Up Challenge, where men dazzled their Facebook friends by doing 22 press ups – one after another.
Image: Chris Rand
A Welsh food manufacturer has created a salad that tastes just like doner kebab.
It means that lardarses all over the UK can feel like they’re eating shit but actually be eating something that’s good for them.
Cindy Slimthigh, owner of Skanky Foods Inc, told WalesOnCraic:
“We get a lot of chubsters saying that they should eat salad but that they’d rather eat doner kebab. We’ve spent years trying to come up with the perfect solution and today, we were proud to announce the doner-salad. It tastes just like ground up arseholes and eyeballs but it is fact, made up of nutritious leaves and shoots. We’ve been trialling it in some smaller shops but now we’re looking to expand into supermarkets.”
Fan Jenny WobbleArse said:
“I eat loads of this stuff. I can’t get enough. It’s like I’m on a night out but in fact, I’m eating what I should be. I feel amazing.”
The new product is available in all good outlets and some shit ones.
Several wheelie bins have been blown over in Wales as strong winds continue to batter Wales.
Reports from North Wales indicate that some garden chairs have also been blown over, bringing chaos and misery to Welsh residents.
Barry Belch from Birchgrove in Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:
“I had to put them out the night before last because it was bin day yesterday. Of course, once they’ve been emptied by the bin men, they’re a law unto themselves and if the wind gets catch of them, then we’re all in big trouble. My bin went down but we’re a strong family and we’re staying strong for each other.”
Glenda Sparklytits from Tredegar said:
“It was awful. I was lying in bed last night having a shag when all of a sudden, there was this huge clatter from outside the house. While my husband was going hell for leather, all I could worry about was whether my black bins had tumbled out on to the pavement.”
Strong winds look set to feature across Wales this weekend. Residents have been warned to put their wheelie bins in places that are unlikely to see it being blown over.
Former Brexit shit-stormer David Cameron has said that he’s welcoming in the Year of the Pig.
Cameron once admitted to having a sordid affair with a trottered friend while at university.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“Myself and pigs go back a long way so it’s nice therefore to welcome in the Year of the Pig in style. I’ve got a few piggy friends coming around for tea tonight and hopefully after a few Babychams, they’ll be up for a good time. The Year of the Pig is a very special time for me and I’m going to be spending the next year relaxing watching our great country unravel with my piggy friends. I’ve got myself a few cans of Skol for tonight so if you don’t mind, I need to go shower and get ready for the arrival of my guests.”
The former PM said that he’s currently working on an erotic novel based on pigs.
“I haven’t got a name for it yet but it’s guaranteed to get you hot under the collar.”
Image: Chatham House
Russian spies are listening in to Welsh life via hidden microphones in daffodils.
Their cover was only blown when a dog cocked his leg to piss on them and electrocuted himself.
The dog’s owner told WalesOnCraic:
“I’d been to Kwik Save to get myself some Malted Milks and I was on my home with my dog Tiddles when he decided to cock his leg up. He’s got a thing at the moment for pissing on daffodils so he up went his leg and the next thing I knew, there was a small boom and he shot 20ft up in the air. He landed several feet away and looked like he’d been frazzled. I investigated further and found that the daffs had wires on them. Attached to them were boxes and on the box, it read ‘Russian Spying Corporation’ so my guess is that it’s the Russians spying on us.”
Local police confirmed that the daffodils did have hidden microphones inside them and later confirmed that Russian spies were listening in on Welsh life.
PC Peter Plod said:
“We’re not sure what they’re going to find to be honest. We’ve done loads of secret surveillance of people around here and all we’ve picked up is what people are having for tea and who’s been banging who down the club. They won’t find much around here.”
Tiddles is recovering at home.
Cold and grey and misty to start the day and cloud will thicken, bringing with it rain and drizzle. There could be the odd heavy shower. Maximum temperature 9°C.
Down on the farm, we’ve all been on a bit of a grumble today. Call it a downer after the weekend. The day ended spectacularly when Farmer Honey spent hours making tea, only to drop it all on the floor when he brought it in on a tray for Mrs Honey.