Posted on

Shops sell out of huskies ahead of snow

Shops across Wales have sold out of huskies, ahead of the snow forecast to hit the country.

Half a centimetre of snow is expected to fall on Wales, causing chaos and disruption nationwide.

A spokeswoman for The Association of Shops That Sell Huskies said:

“We tend to see a rush on huskies at this time of year but the alarmist headlines put out by people like yourselves has caused some panic buying this week. Sales of huskies have gone through the roof and we’ve been struggling to keep up with demand. In some instances, we’ve even been selling poodles dressed up as huskies just to make ourselves a bit of money while we can. With all this snow forecast, you can expect us to be selling all kinds of breeds and passing them off as huskies.”

One shopper said:

“I needs a husky so I can go get my beer for Friday night. I’m not watching Wales play France with nothing but a cup of pissy tea. A husky is imperative to me right now.”





Posted on

Government urges panic-buying of bread and milk ahead of tomorrow’s snow

The government is urging people to panic buy supplies of bread and milk ahead of snow that is forecast on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Government officials have issued directives, instructing people to ‘punch people in the face’ if necessary in order to stock up on supplies.

Government spokeswoman, June Frigid, told WalesOnCraic:

“When we get these horrendous snow storms, it’s everyone for themselves. We highly recommend that everyone goes to the local shops and wipes them out of bread and milk. What if you were to get snowed in your own home? What would you eat if you had no bread? What would you drink if you didn’t have milk? Our position is clear – we are the government and we really don’t give a shit so get yourselves down to Kwik Save and get panic buying.”

Snow is expected to move into the UK during the middle of next week. Stocks of shitty Nimble bread are expected to last during the blizzard as usual.

Posted on

Double decker bus goes missing down Cardiff pothole

A double decker bus has disappeared after falling into a pothole in a busy Cardiff road.

The double-decker bus fell into the pothole which was about the size of a double-decker bus.

Eye-witness Harry Halfhead said:

“I’d just come out of the bookies and I saw this double-decker bus heading down the street. I had to jump out of its way because I’d had a few pints in the pub beforehand. As I turned around to shout obscenities at the driver, I looked around to find the bus. And there it was – gone!”

Police say that the bus fell into the pothole and recovery teams are on the scene to try and find the bus and its driver. There were no passengers on board at the time as the driver had driven straight past them at the bus stop.

“We’ll do it tomorrow,” said one recovery worker. “I’ve had hell of a day and I can’t be arsed to do anything tonight.”

Image: Iantherev

Posted on

Crisp sandwiches to replace hot school meals

a-crisp-sandwich

Crisp sarnies are set to replace hot school meals in Welsh schools.

Schools say that they have been forced to cut costs due to cuts in funding.

Headteacher Brian Leathercrotch told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been getting less and less money from whoever gives us money and we’ve been having to cut corners all over the shop. In my school alone, I’ve had to lay off all members of teaching staff and it’s just me here now. I’ve had to look long and hard at the food budget and figured that I can only afford to give kids crisp sandwiches for lunch. It’s no bad thing – I used to love them as a kid and we can easily fill up the children’s bellies full for less than 50p each.”

One parent said:

“Yeah. Got no problem with that bruv. That’s all I ever eat anyway.”

Image: Nickelbabe

Posted on

Ripping Yellow Pages in half ‘getting easier’

yellow-pages

The art of ripping a Yellow Pages is a lot easier now that it was back in the 80s, according to experts.

Back in the day, only big strapping lads could rip the directory in half but these days, it’s common to see young children casually successfully completing the feat without breaking a sweat.

Dave Gunt of the Welsh Strongman Group said:

“It’s all getting a bit embarrassing these days. Back when I was a lad, we’d be in awe of big lads ripping a Yellow Pages in half. Of course, there was a knack to it which made it a lot easier but there was still a lot of strength needed to do it. I was down the nursery picking up my kid yesterday and all the kids were doing it for a laugh. There were torn up Yellow Pages directories all over the place.”

89% of Yellow Pages are now used to prop doors open, according to some poll we ran in the WalesOnCraic office.

Posted on

Cornish man invades Merthyr Trago Mills and claims it as sovereign territory

trago-mills

Self-proclaimed Prince of Kernow, Aberdias Trout of Pembworthy near Bude, invaded Merthyr’s newest and largest jumble sale in a pasty and cider fueled rage last night, claiming the white towers to be part of his homeland.

Local residents said he scaled the giant walls waving a giant pasty screaming, ‘Ger ov moy larnd’.

Local police inadvertently added fuel to his fire by offering him a corned beef pasty while trying to coax him down. Mr Trout offered, ‘to lift their tails’ in response.

WalesOnCraic asked the International Pasty Council for comment but they were all on break.

The situation remains volatile.

Image: Lewis Clarke licensed for reuse under the Creative Commons Licence.

Posted on

Weather Latest: Weather to get slightly warmer and then slightly colder again

The UK’s weather is set to get slightly warmer before getting slightly colder again, according to clever expert people.

The weather is currently at the ‘quite cold’ stage but is set to rise to ‘quite warm’ before dropping to ‘a little bit cold’ again.

Welsh weather expert Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been watching these charts with interest over the last few days and the reason we have quite cold weather at the moment is because we have quite cold air around. We are expecting some slightly warmer air to move into the UK over the next day or so, bringing with it some pissy rain. After that, some quite cold air moves back in which means that things will feel quite cold. We can expect people to moan slightly about how cold it is and some people will want to wear extra layers and rub their hands together dramatically.”

Another expert said:

“I was quite cold in bed last night but I’m hoping to be warmer tonight. I’ve added an extra blanket, which I can remove if I’m too hot.”





Posted on

Remainers would like ‘continuous referendums until they get the result they want’

brexshit

Those in favour of remaining in the EU have told WalesOnCraic that they’d like continuous referendums until they get the result they want.

The claims come as prominent Brexiteer James Dyson packs up his hoovers and fucks off to Singapore.

A spokesman for the We’d Rather Stay In The EU Thanks Think Tank Group Society told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve got Rees-Mogg on a one-man mission to take us out of Europe and his bunch of cronies arguing that we Britain can stand alone because we won a war over 60 years ago. What they forget is that we won because of the help of 15 or 16 other countries. What we’re saying is that we’d like to have a second referendum and if we don’t get the result that we want, we’ll keep on having them until we do. It’s not fair that we should only rely on the result of one referendum.”

Critics of the critics say that they can’t remember what they voted for in the first place now.

“Bendy bananas and blue passports wasn’t it?”





Image: Athol Mullen