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Plumber turns up on time

plumber

A plumber from Cardiff has successfully turned up when he said he was going to.

Steven Youbend turned up at 8.30am on the dot, taking resident Gladys ThunderNorks off guard.

Gladys told WalesOnCraic:

“He told me 8.30am but I took that to mean ‘some time in the afternoon’. I was still in bed when I heard a knock at the door. At first, I thought I was dreaming but then the knock came again. I managed to get myself downstairs and open the door and there he was. I look at my watch and it was 8.30 on the dot. I wasn’t sure whether it was 8.30am or 8.30pm but he happily said Good Morning and then showed me his massive toolbox. Before I knew it, he was down on his knees fixing my plumbing before I could even make a coffee.”

Eyewitnesses have confirmed that the plumber did arrive at 8.30. Neighbour Jim James said:

“I always like to spy on Gladys because she has a very interesting life and I noted in my log book that this plumber turned up. It was only later when I played back the secret CCTV that I have installed in her house that I found out that he was on time. I was very impressed.”





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Woman accidentally washes off weekend’s tan in the shower

A woman from Treherbert has washed off the tan she caught in her garden yesterday.

Eileen Bulge spent hours working on her tan in her garden over the weekend. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I was looking lush yesterday and I look like shit today. I spent hours and hours in my garden, working hard on my tan and look what goes and happens. I’m going to write to my local paper about this. I was hoping to seduce Tony my husband with my new tan. I jumped in the shower so that I was nice and clean and now I’m as pale as a ghost. It’s just not on.”

Husband Tony said:

“I couldn’t care less. I’m off down the pub at 8 o’clock to meet the lads.”





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Women’s pussies braced for Trump’s UK visit

lover boy

Women’s private parts are braced for President Trump’s visit to the UK in June.

The tangerine lothario is renowned for helping himself to women’s bits and authorities have warned women to be prepared.

A spokesman for the Government said:

“We all know that Lover Boy has wandering hands so we’re putting it out there now so that women are prepared. Trump once infamously told a television host that he can do anything to women, including ‘grabbing them by the pussy’. As we all know, most women would vomit on him, but he likes to think that he’s bit of a boy. We are letting women know now in advance, rather than be unexpectedly grabbed.”

A spokesman for the White House added:

“President Trump’s inauguration was the biggest this universe has ever seen. Period. I don’t know why you keep bringing this up. There were billions of people there.”





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95% Wales couldn’t give a shit about Prince Louis’s first birthday

A record 95% of Welsh people have said that they couldn’t give a shit that it’s Prince Louis’s birthday.

75% of the 95% said that they didn’t even know who Prince Louis was.

Chris Packet, who took the latest poll told WalesOnCraic:

“I went down The Albert to conduct this poll and I asked a few people if they gave a shit that it was Prince Louis’s birthday. I spoke to 5 people and of those people, 95% said that they didn’t give a shit. If I were to calculate this percentage for the Welsh population, that means that a lot of people don’t give a shit. Many of the people I spoke to said that they didn’t even know who Prince Louis was and I rounded that rough figure up to 75% because that’s my favourite number.”

Prince Louis is fifth in line to the throne, sitting behind Prince Charles, Prince William, the other one, Jeremy Clarkson and H from Steps.

“I’m going back down The Albert tonight to do another poll,” said Packet. “I want to know what people think of my new pair of shorts I bought from Primark yesterday. Plenty of ballroom in them and they even have a pocket for me to put my wallet in. Tidy.”





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Warm weather to last until it gets cooler

The warm weather currently being experienced in Wales will last until we get some cooler weather.

Experts have said that the warmer weather is the result of what is called Spring, one of the four seasons of the year.

James TwoSheds of the Wales Weather Forum told WalesOnCraic:

“We see this happen every year and we’re never quite prepared for it. My wife wants to sit in the garden and get her tits out but as usual, we don’t have any sun cream apart that shitty stuff we bought for holiday last year. It means that on my first day off in a while, I’ve got to go to Asda to go and get her some because she can’t be bothered to get off her arse and go get some herself. It’s exactly this kind of thing that puts a strain on our marriage, especially at a time when we could really do with pulling together. We haven’t had fun together for so long and I’m considering going to see some sort of therapist as it’s really taken its toll on my self-confidence.”

When asked about the weather, TwoShed said:

“Oh yeah. It’ll be warm until it gets cooler again.”





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OFFICIAL: Taxi drivers can drive and park where they want

A government report has officially declared that taxi drivers can drive and park wherever they want.

It means that taxi drivers can now legally pull out sharply in front of other motorists, drive on the wrong side of the road and park on double yellow lines.

A spokesman for the Taxi Drivers Association of Some Bits of Wales said:

“This is great news and backs up all of the amazing stuff we’ve been doing over the years. I’ve always told our boys and girls that they have complete freedom of our roads and it’s nice for this to be recognised by the Government. We now no longer have to live in fear of being called ‘dickheads’ and ‘arseholes’, which will make our days a lot easier. In return, we just ask that passengers don’t ask what time we start and finish and whether we’ve been busy. That’s all we ask.”

A government spokesman said:

“It’s long been traditional for taxi drivers to park where they want. In fact, on the way to this very important meeting, my driver stopped on the middle of the M4 – just because he could. We’re now making sure that this privilege doesn’t go unnoticed.”





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Woman called Angharad changes name to Anne Harris

angharad

A Welsh woman called Angharad has changed her name to Anne Harris by deed poll.

The 32-year-old office worker was fed up of trying to pronounce her name to her London colleagues.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I moved to London back in 2016. At first, I enjoyed not speaking to anyone because most people are arseholes. But eventually, I got myself a job so I had to start meeting new people. Of course, one of the first things people ask is what your name is and every time I tried telling them that it was Angharad, they all thought I was saying Anne Harris. I’ve been here three frigging years and not one person knows what my real name is. Whether it’s on the phone, in the staff room or in the shitter, everyone calls me Anne Harris. I’ve therefore decided to officially call myself Anne Harris to make things easier. I can’t be doing with it any more.”

Anne Harris’s girlfriend, also called Angharad, has decided to stick to her name of Angharad because she likes it.

Anne added:

“I might change my middle name too because if they can’t understand the name Angharad, God knows how they’ll pronounce Blodwyn.”





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Newcastle Emlyn woman calls on Scotland to ban UPKILTING

upkilting

A 24 year old bride from Newcastle Emlyn has called upon Scotland’s First Minister to ban upkilting.

Ffion Minger-MacDonald contacted WalesonCraic’s reporter for the Celtic Regions, Jock Strappe, saying:

“I am pleased to see that upskirting has been banned in the UK, but it does not ban upkilting. It is sexist.”

Ffion went on:

“It was only when Hamish and I were getting married in Edinburgh, did I realise what Scottish women were like, when a man is in a kilt, especially if he is getting married. Hamish is a proud Scot and I met him at the Millennium Stadium when Scotland were playing Wales. He was in his kilt then. I suppose I was as bad, as I was determined to have a look. His shoelaces were undone, so I went down to tie them for him and I had a quick glance up. I suppose it lasted a minute or two. And that was it. Love at first sight.”

Ffion added:

“Well, that was three years ago and fast forward to our wedding day and I was shocked at everyone trying to get a peep up his kilt. Even my Mum, Bronwen, was having a sly look. Even my gay brother, Dafydd, was trying to get a peep. I am have written to Nicola Sturgeon and have asked for equality and demand that upkilting be made illegal and the sentencing and fines mirror those guilty of upskirting.”

WalesonCraic Celtic Regions reporter, Jock Strappe said:

“The Scottish Government is in a quandary. The Scots are proud and the men are expected to go commando under their kilts, but girl power has seen an upsurge in upkilting and the Scottish First Minister has not seen it as a priority to ban upkilting. And there have been calls from the Conservatives opposition leader for the First Minister to resign.”

Ffion said:

“I was greatly offended that women and Dafydd were doing all they could to look at my Hamish’s meat and two veg on our wedding day. They have no shame these days. Upkilting must be banned. Mind you, after a few pints, Hamish was showing everything to everyone, anyway, so I don’t know whether the law should be involved.”

A spokesperson for the Scottish First Minister said:

“It’s only harmless fun and men can get around it by wearing a pair of boxers, so is there a need for a ban?”




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Swansea Bay to get Colossus statue of Alun Wyn Jones

Swansea Bay is to get a Colossus statue of Alun Wyn Jones in honour of his Grand Slam achievements.

The statue will stand over 120ft high and will bestride the narrow entrance to the Maritime Quarter.

A spokesman for Swansea Statue Association said:

“Alun led our troops to a Grand Slam victory last month with three broken legs and five broken arms. He is a true warrior and the best way we can honour his achievement is to build the Eighth Wonder of the World. We are going to build a statue of him that’s so impressive, striding the entrance to Swansea Maritime Quarter. It will serve as a warning to all other nations that if you come to Wales with rugby ambitions, you won’t find us a walk in the park. We’re almost decided on what posture he will take and we’ll make sure that we add some gaffer tape around his ears to add authenticity.”

The statue will be constructed of iron tie bars and plated with brass. It will have authentic tears of passion running down its face and will have laser eyes that will shoot any chariots that pass by.

A spokeswoman for Swansea Maritime Quarter said:

“Ooo, there’s lovely innit?”





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Problem Page April 2019

Since announcing the new problem page almost an hour ago, we have been received literally some letters asking for help and advice. Please note, many of the names have been changed to protect identities. Like Terry Clarke from Bridgend, who is really Brendon Phillips from Neath.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have a nasty rash on the underside of my penis. Can you help?

Sheila, Port Talbot

Dear Sheila,

There are several creams I could recommend, none of which would help. I suggest you seek medical and psychiatric help.

Dear Lee Beloved,

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?

Kevin, Bangor

Dear Kevin,

I really couldn’t say.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have just been made redundant after working for the same company for 15 years. The redundancy package was much less than I was expecting and, as I have three children, a large credit card debt and a mortgage I’m worried about what to do next. I have applied for several jobs but so far been unsuccessful. What would you suggest?

Steve, Rhondda

Dear Steve,

I suggest you buy (or rent if you can’t afford it) Series 2 of the Office. There are some really funny bits in it, especially the bit where David Brent (the main character) does a dance.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend always embarrasses me in front of my friends. Whenever we all sit in the pub to share a bottle of wine (a Chilean Merlot or a French Sancerre) she just wants to drink pints of lager and eat Pork Scratchings. And she never wants to come to the nice restaurants with us (there’s a particularly splendid Spanish restaurant nearby which serves the most dreamy Patatas Bravas) she only ever wants to have a curry. And she’d prefer to go and watch her team play football than come to the opening night of La Traviata. Also, when I just want to talk, she only ever wants to have sex. Please help.

Terry, Saundersfoot

Dear Terry,

This might come as a slight shock, but there is every chance you are gay. Don’t be alarmed, this is perfectly normal. It simply means that you prefer the company of men to women. I suggest you finish with your girlfriend. And send me her number.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My girlfriend’s mother keeps making a pass at me every time I go to her house. She’s still quite fit and she’s got most of her own teeth. Would it be against the law or the Bible if I slept with her? Or even had a snog and a grope or something?

Barry, Barry

Dear Barry,

The Bible states, and I quote; ‘Thou should not covet thy neighbour’s ox’. Now people have taken this to mean many things – although a lot of them don’t really understand what ‘covet’ means. I suggest you either stop going round to her house, or carry on going round to her house. I hope this helps.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My fiancé and I have always had a good relationship, but recently I’m finding things a bit strained. She works nights as a Personal Assistant in an office in Soho, London. Occasionally I pop along to surprise her and have seen her walking either to or from the office. She’s always pleased to see me but tells me that she can’t chat, as she has to get back to work. I know she works hard (sometimes she has to do two jobs at the same time) and I know that she does what ever she can for me. In fact she recently managed to get me off a speeding conviction recently just by smiling at the judge – who seemed to know her. The problem is, when she comes home, she’s too tired for sex. All she wants to do is have a shower, then a bath, then another shower and then cuddle up on the sofa. Is this normal?

Newport, Newport

Dear Newport,

I’m sending you a copy of my free leaflet; ‘Something’s Not Quite Right Here’. It should answer most of your queries. If not, it has a great join-the-dots teaser and a cryptic crossword puzzle. When you receive the leaflet, please send us a cheque for £7.50 to cover package and postage.

Dear Lee Beloved,

Whenever I laugh, I accidentally wet myself. What do you advise?

Robert, Cwmbran. But originally from Swansea

Dear Robert,

I suggest watching an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Dear Lee Beloved,

In Star Wars IV A New Hope, Han Solo boasts that he has done the Kessell Run in 12 parsecs in the Millennium Falcon. Is this true, and if so has the record been beaten since then?

George, Merthyr

Dear George,

It is true, and the record has yet to be broken.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My wife has just had a baby. I know for definite I am the father, but how could she prove to me that she is definitely the mother?

Hugh, Tredegar

Dear Hugh,

I suggest DNA testing. Or an appearance on Jeremy Kyle.

Dear Lee Beloved,

My dog’s got no nose.

Gerald, Baglan

Dear Gerald,

Don’t worry, even without basic olfactory glands, your dog will be able to live a normal life. Unless of course he’s a police sniffer dog, in which case you should have him put down.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 18 months and it has so far been going really well. That was up until last week, when she suggested that her friend Crystal, who’s a lap dancer, join us for a threesome. I think the idea is disgusting and appalling. What do you think?

John, That Place Where They made ‘The Prisoner’

Dear John,

I refer you to the answer I gave to Terry.

Dear Lee Beloved,

I like to dress up in women’s clothing and walk around the house. Is this normal?

Carol, Rhyl

Dear Carol,

Yes.