Members of the public have begged Robbie Williams to stop being a twat.
The former Take That singer has been trying to piss off neighbour Jimmy Page in a dispute about a swimming pool.
A spokesperson for the Robbie Williams Non-Appreciation Society said:
“Our Society has been asking this for a long time but things seem to have come to a head in the last few days in a row about a swimming pool. Williams has taken to playing Black Sabbath at very loud volumes in an attempt to annoy Jimmy. We’d have thought that he’d be playing his own music if he’d wanted to piss anyone off. We are considering putting out a public appeal to Robbie himself so that he can stop being a twat once and for all.”
Williams is allegedly looking for new people to annoy over the next few months.
“If he carries on like this, we can only see our numbers growing,” said the spokesperson.
A dog walker has been fined for slingshotting poo bags into local trees.
Danny Dispshit tried to explain away his littering as ‘decorating’ bare-looking trees.
Speaking from outside court, he told WalesOnCraic:
“It was coming up to Christmas and the trees had lost most of their leaves and were looking particularly bare. At the time, my dog Bessie had really bad guts and was shitting through the eye of a needle so I had plenty of full poo bags on me. With no bins around, I had the great idea of decorating the trees so I spent half an hour slingshotting the shit bags into the trees. I thought it looked really nice and festive but there’s always one moaner isn’t there? I was arrested on my way to Kwik Save because I was out of bread and needed some for my lunch.”
A spokeswoman for the police said:
“If arseholes like this think that they can come and hang dog shit from trees like this, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ve instructed our boys to twat anyone they see doing this, full in the face with a tazer.”
Dipshit was fined £15 and told to pick the shit up.
Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has had his prized penny farthing bicycle stolen.
The bike was taken from a Greggs outlet in Kensington.
A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:
“One doesn’t like this sort of thing to happy but unfortunately, that’s the situation that one is faced with today. Mr Rees-Mogg entered the Greggs establishment at around 15:00 hours today and upon returning to his bicycle, found that it had in fact, gone. The authorities were immediately informed and Mr Rees-Mogg is awaiting news this evening.”
A police spokeswoman said:
“We had a call this afternoon to say that one penny farthing had been taken from outside a Greggs. We are currently looking into the situation and would encourage anyone with a penny farthing bicycle to make sure that they lock them up whenever they go into Greggs.”
A Welsh mother has discovered why the ring pulls on top of tinned food are really there.
Brenda Wondergunt has described her finding as ‘dark magic’.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I was cooking up some beans on toast for my lazy husband last night and it stuck me like a thunderbolt. For years I’ve been using my trusty tin opener but I was feeling so reckless last night that I pulled on the ring pull, not quite knowing what to expect. The next thing I know, my tin of beans are open – and I hadn’t even used a tin opener. I was gobsmacked. I called my lazy husband out to the kitchen to see what had happened but he didn’t want to shift his lazy arse so I had to phone him in the room next door. I called all my friends and family and they couldn’t believe it either. They’d been doing the same as me for the last few years. I then decided to call WalesOnCraic as it’s Wales’s leading news outlet, always with its finger on the pulse of the nation.”
Brenda is now looking to set up evening classes to educate others about opening tins of food.
“I’m going to put it on Twitter to see if it goes viral too. My mind has been blown.”
A frosty start for most in Wales but with those lovely clear skies, we can also expect a good load of sunshine too. Feeling cold but that’s what coats were invented for. A maximum temperature of 7°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer Honey has been out trying out his new toy that he had for Christmas. He’s always wanted a drone so he went to the widest piece of open space he could find to give it a test drive. The people at Heathrow weren’t too happy with him though so he headed home pretty sharpish.
A new mural that has appeared on a Port Talbot garage overnight is not the work of artist Banksy.
Experts say that the new artwork on a garden wall is instead the work of a local man obsessed with titties.
Art curator Janice Dryflaps told WalesOnCraic:
“We had a call from a Port Talbot resident first thing this morning. She told us that she thought Banksy had been around her house overnight so we forewent our Coco Pops and rushed down there. We were hoping to find another masterpiece but were instead faced with a giant pair of tits. We did some further investigation and discovered that the new mural was possibly done by the resident’s neighbour, who has a habit of spray painting tits onto all kinds of things. The police were informed and then we went back for our Coco Pops.”
John Breasticle, who was arrested and later released by police said:
“I loves titties. They’re all big and soft and lovely. But this wasn’t me.”
A newlywed woman from Tongwynlais has been left heartbroken after finding out that her new husband doesn’t like Jammie Dodgers.
Emily Clammyflaps thought she had met the man of her dreams until husband Derek dropped the bombshell on the weekend.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I just couldn’t believe it. I knew it was all too good to be true. I met Derek on a night out in Cardiff. He was tall, handsome and had a massive willy. We spent the next few weeks in each other’s company. We took walks, we visited family; we even spoke of our dreams and wishes. He dropped to one knee and popped the question in the most romantic of ways. I cried tears of joy when we got married. And then on the first night in our new home, the fat wanker tells me that he doesn’t like Jammie Dodgers. I chucked the hapless twat out on the street there and then. I haven’t seen him since and I couldn’t give a shit if he’s out on the streets. The man means nothing to me.”
Husband Derek didn’t respond to our requests for information because he couldn’t be arsed to reply.
Image: Paul Hurst
A man from Port Talbot has told his wife that he will dispose of their Christmas tree in the ‘near future’.
Darren ‘Daz’ Bigballs didn’t dispose of last year’s tree until May when he took it down the dump.
Wife Alison told WalesOnCraic:
“I had to nag him to take the tree down for several days because he said that he was really busy. In the end, I took it down myself because it was quicker and easier. I think Daz was hoping that that would happen. I put the tree out the back garden so I’m now nagging him to get rid of it because I won’t be able to have a barbeque out there if it’s still there in the summer. We had countless arguments about it last year and he didn’t take it to the dump until May. When he finally got rid of it, he told me that he was doing it for me. The man’s a tosspot. I don’t know why I married him. It’s certainly not for the sex.”
Daz explained the delay in getting rid of the tree by saying that he’d been running round like a blue-arsed fly.
“I’ve been running round like a blue-arsed fly,” he said.
Sports presenter John Inverdale has started talking about the English rugby team ahead the opening of the Six Nations tournament.
The dashingly handsome host, who enjoys talking about England during his waking hours, said that he’s putting in the practice ahead of the annual rugby competition.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“I’ve been practicing hard over the last few weeks. But that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about England. How will Eddie ‘Large’ Jones react after their very mediocre year last year? Will they be able to turn their fortunes around? Find out after the break.”
When asked about how many hours a day does he like to talk about England, his reply was:
Image: Howard Lake