Women’s private parts are braced for President Trump’s visit to the UK in June.
The tangerine lothario is renowned for helping himself to women’s bits and authorities have warned women to be prepared.
A spokesman for the Government said:
“We all know that Lover Boy has wandering hands so we’re putting it out there now so that women are prepared. Trump once infamously told a television host that he can do anything to women, including ‘grabbing them by the pussy’. As we all know, most women would vomit on him, but he likes to think that he’s bit of a boy. We are letting women know now in advance, rather than be unexpectedly grabbed.”
A spokesman for the White House added:
“President Trump’s inauguration was the biggest this universe has ever seen. Period. I don’t know why you keep bringing this up. There were billions of people there.”
A record 95% of Welsh people have said that they couldn’t give a shit that it’s Prince Louis’s birthday.
75% of the 95% said that they didn’t even know who Prince Louis was.
Chris Packet, who took the latest poll told WalesOnCraic:
“I went down The Albert to conduct this poll and I asked a few people if they gave a shit that it was Prince Louis’s birthday. I spoke to 5 people and of those people, 95% said that they didn’t give a shit. If I were to calculate this percentage for the Welsh population, that means that a lot of people don’t give a shit. Many of the people I spoke to said that they didn’t even know who Prince Louis was and I rounded that rough figure up to 75% because that’s my favourite number.”
Prince Louis is fifth in line to the throne, sitting behind Prince Charles, Prince William, the other one, Jeremy Clarkson and H from Steps.
“I’m going back down The Albert tonight to do another poll,” said Packet. “I want to know what people think of my new pair of shorts I bought from Primark yesterday. Plenty of ballroom in them and they even have a pocket for me to put my wallet in. Tidy.”
The warm weather currently being experienced in Wales will last until we get some cooler weather.
Experts have said that the warmer weather is the result of what is called Spring, one of the four seasons of the year.
James TwoSheds of the Wales Weather Forum told WalesOnCraic:
“We see this happen every year and we’re never quite prepared for it. My wife wants to sit in the garden and get her tits out but as usual, we don’t have any sun cream apart that shitty stuff we bought for holiday last year. It means that on my first day off in a while, I’ve got to go to Asda to go and get her some because she can’t be bothered to get off her arse and go get some herself. It’s exactly this kind of thing that puts a strain on our marriage, especially at a time when we could really do with pulling together. We haven’t had fun together for so long and I’m considering going to see some sort of therapist as it’s really taken its toll on my self-confidence.”
When asked about the weather, TwoShed said:
“Oh yeah. It’ll be warm until it gets cooler again.”
A government report has officially declared that taxi drivers can drive and park wherever they want.
It means that taxi drivers can now legally pull out sharply in front of other motorists, drive on the wrong side of the road and park on double yellow lines.
A spokesman for the Taxi Drivers Association of Some Bits of Wales said:
“This is great news and backs up all of the amazing stuff we’ve been doing over the years. I’ve always told our boys and girls that they have complete freedom of our roads and it’s nice for this to be recognised by the Government. We now no longer have to live in fear of being called ‘dickheads’ and ‘arseholes’, which will make our days a lot easier. In return, we just ask that passengers don’t ask what time we start and finish and whether we’ve been busy. That’s all we ask.”
A government spokesman said:
“It’s long been traditional for taxi drivers to park where they want. In fact, on the way to this very important meeting, my driver stopped on the middle of the M4 – just because he could. We’re now making sure that this privilege doesn’t go unnoticed.”
A Welsh woman called Angharad has changed her name to Anne Harris by deed poll.
The 32-year-old office worker was fed up of trying to pronounce her name to her London colleagues.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I moved to London back in 2016. At first, I enjoyed not speaking to anyone because most people are arseholes. But eventually, I got myself a job so I had to start meeting new people. Of course, one of the first things people ask is what your name is and every time I tried telling them that it was Angharad, they all thought I was saying Anne Harris. I’ve been here three frigging years and not one person knows what my real name is. Whether it’s on the phone, in the staff room or in the shitter, everyone calls me Anne Harris. I’ve therefore decided to officially call myself Anne Harris to make things easier. I can’t be doing with it any more.”
Anne Harris’s girlfriend, also called Angharad, has decided to stick to her name of Angharad because she likes it.
“I might change my middle name too because if they can’t understand the name Angharad, God knows how they’ll pronounce Blodwyn.”
Swansea Bay is to get a Colossus statue of Alun Wyn Jones in honour of his Grand Slam achievements.
The statue will stand over 120ft high and will bestride the narrow entrance to the Maritime Quarter.
A spokesman for Swansea Statue Association said:
“Alun led our troops to a Grand Slam victory last month with three broken legs and five broken arms. He is a true warrior and the best way we can honour his achievement is to build the Eighth Wonder of the World. We are going to build a statue of him that’s so impressive, striding the entrance to Swansea Maritime Quarter. It will serve as a warning to all other nations that if you come to Wales with rugby ambitions, you won’t find us a walk in the park. We’re almost decided on what posture he will take and we’ll make sure that we add some gaffer tape around his ears to add authenticity.”
The statue will be constructed of iron tie bars and plated with brass. It will have authentic tears of passion running down its face and will have laser eyes that will shoot any chariots that pass by.
A spokeswoman for Swansea Maritime Quarter said:
“Ooo, there’s lovely innit?”
Welsh pensioners have revealed that standing in the doorway to Tesco, checking their receipt, is their favourite pastime of 2019.
The golden oldies’ new favourite hobby replaces last year’s winner, which was talking to each other about the latest supermarket offers.
Old aged pensioner Doreen Leatherface told WalesOnCraic:
“I loves standing in the doorway to Tesco to check my receipt. I make sure that I lean right over my trolley and spend at least 15 minutes blocking everybody coming in and going out. The funny thing is, I can’t even read the receipt because I always leave my glasses at home in case I lose them but I’m sure everything adds up. I got some great offer on the chicken today – British chicken too. I wouldn’t eat any of that foreign chicken – you don’t know where it’s come from. I like my chicken to have its head stuck in a vat of electrified water before having its throat sliced so it bleeds to death. That way, the machines can strip it of all its rotting flesh ready for my Albert’s Sunday roast.”
Supermarket boss Timmy Clicketyshoes said:
“We have noticed a marked rise in this new pastime. We’ve introduced some heavies to stand in the doorway and shout abuse at the pensioners if they fail to move.”
Britain’s Prime Minister is actively seeking a part-time position in Lidl.
Sources say that the PM is looking for a job where she doesn’t have to think too much.
A spokesman for Downing Street said:
“T’zer’s had it up to her tits with this Brexit thing. She wants to jack it all in and get a tidy little part-time position in Lidl. She doesn’t mind what she does and she’s actually fully till-trained for her days in Dorothy Perkins. She wants a position that she can just walk out of at the end of the day and forget about it.”
A manager at a local Lidl store has confirmed that they have received a CV from Downing Street.
“I’m struggling to see where she’d fit in to be honest. Debbie’s off next month on maternity leave but we’ve got Brenda covering those shifts because Dave’s moving to evening shifts. We’ll see.”
May is currently pissing into the wind with Brexit.
Image: Kuhlmann / MSC
Ireland will arrive at the Principality Stadium this afternoon on an open top bus.
The Irish team, who aren’t fans of roofs, said that they wanted to embrace the great Welsh weather.
A spokesman for Team Ireland said:
“We don’t like roofs now, no we don’t. We were going to come on a normal bus der, but we tort that we’d be better orf coming in on a bus wit no roof. Roofs are far tew over-rated these days so we tort we’d like to see what da Welsh wedder’s got in store for us and embrace it so. We are looking forward to beating Wales at ta game today.”
A Welsh bus company has confirmed that Team Ireland have hired an open top bus for the day.
“We’ve only got one open top bus and that’s because Terry drove it under a low bridge a few weeks ago and ripped the roof off of it.”
A psychic saveloy sausage has predicted a Welsh win over Ireland and a resulting Grand Slam for Wales on Saturday.
The sausage, which has already correctly predicted the fall of the Berlin Wall and the death of Michael Jackson, correctly predicted a win over England a few weeks ago.
Owner Ian Gullible told WalesOnCraic:
“This saveloy sausage has been my guide and mentor for the last 30 years or so. Whenever I need a question answered, I consult my sausage, unless it’s a question about capital cities of the world which my sausage is shit at. The sausage predicts a huge win for Wales at Cardiff this weekend – I know this game is an important one for you Welshies which is why I am offering a personal one-on-one sausage consultation for any Welsh fans for an hourly rate of £50.”
Ian won’t reveal how the sausage predicts future events.
“I like to confirm the prediction once it’s happened,” he said.