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LEAKED: NATO Itinerary for South Wales Summit

Cardiff City Hall

A local man has LEAKED a top secret NATO Itinerary ahead of the NATO Summit in South Wales next month.

As world leaders gather to discuss whether they should bomb the shit out of Russia, their timetable has been published by a local tourist attraction worker who found it in a toilet cubicle.

Terry Tightgrits of Aberystwyth leaked the itinerary ‘so that the world could know that they’re just here on a jolly’.

But critics have condemned Mr Tightgrits’ actions, calling them irresponsible and dangerous. Government spokesperson Brian BigBollocks told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a dangerous thing to do and we wholly condemn Mr Tightgrits for leaking the itinerary to the public. We  would like to ask any media outlet who has a copy, NOT to publish the itinerary in any way, shape or form .”

Here’s the itinerary in full:

 Thursday 4th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A demonstration from the Women’s Guild of Teacosy Knitters of South Wales.

10:00 A quick visit round the National Museum of Wales to see the giant turtle that they’ve had there for 20 odd years.

10:30 Toilet break.

11:00 Mystery Coach Trip to Barry Island.

12:00 Lunch at Marco’s Café, where the filmed the mildly amusing BBC comedy Gavin and Stacey over seven years ago.

13:00 A guided tour of where Butlins used to be.

13:30 A visit to Barry Memorial Hall to see an exhibition of Zumba led by local Zumba trainer Gaynor GoggleEyes.

14:00 Head to Penrhys Leisure Centre to view the new lockers installed into the men’s changing rooms.

15:00 Meeting in the café at Asda Merthyr to discuss Big Brother.

16:00 Head to Celtic Manor for an important meeting.

17:00 Meeting to discuss the terrorist threat of ISIS.

23:00 Conclude meeting discussing the terrorist threat of ISIS. News conference to announce conclusion of the meeting – NATO to officially condemn them.

00:00 Piss up in the hotel bar.

Friday 5th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A display by the Aberdare Kettlebellers Display Team (Light Division – 2kgs or less).

10:00 Coach tour of the Lidl stores of South Wales.

11:00 Meet and Greet with the baby otters of Coldbrook Nature Reserve.

12:00 Lunch at Big Bertha’s Trucker’s Café on the A472.

13:00 A visit to The Owl Sanctuary in Bassaleg to see the baby hatchlings.

14:00 A visit to the Build-A-Bear outlet in Bridgend where delegates will get to build their own bear.

15:00 A Very Important Meeting in Secret Somewhere.

16:00 A How-To-Polish-Leather-Shoes-With-Your-Tongue-And-Arse-Cheeks-Class with Doris Thunderguts at Wattstown Community Hall.

17:00 High tea with scones and PG Tips.

18:00 Coaches home.

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