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People who call out snowflakes get irate at new Greggs vegan sausage roll

Members of the public who label other people snowflakes for being easily offended have launched a backlash against Greggs’ new vegan sausage roll.

People have taken to social media to show their outrage at the new product, and have insisted that they are going to buy more meat-based products.

One social media user who didn’t want to be named said:

“We’ve seen it all now. This country is going down the drain quicker than something I can’t think of right now. How DARE they launch a new vegan sausage roll. How can it even be a sausage roll if there’s no sausage in it? I’m going to make sure that I go into Greggs and buy up all their meat-based products just to show those rabbit-food-eating-vegans.”

Experts were warning of lengthy queues for the non-meat based products, but these have failed to materialise.

“We were expecting loads of vegans to be at the shops first thing but it appears that they’ve been too weak to get out of bed.”



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“My house looks dull as shit”: South Wales woman comes to terms with taking her Christmas trimmings down

grumpy-woman

A South Wales woman has been admitted to rehab following her decision to take down her Christmas decorations.

Dilys Sinkwater took down her trees and other trimmings yesterday afternoon while watching Songs of Praise. But her de-Christmasisation has left her with feelings of emptiness and sadness. She has since taken lots of pills to make herself feel better.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“My living room looks dull as shit. I’m really missing the twinkling lights and my big fuck-off reindeer. Things really aren’t the same. I tried phoning the Samaritans but they told me to piss off and get a life.”

Dilys eventually called an ambulance who also told her to piss off. Eventually, Dilys phoned a local rehab centre and has spent several hours talking to the cleaner about her woes.

She added:

“I’m not sure I can wait another 11 months before I can put them all up again. This is sheer hell.”



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Black Friday shoppers set to buy shit that shops couldn’t sell all year

Shopper across the UK are set to relieve stores of shit that they haven’t been able to sell all year.

Black Friday shoppers will then be heading back to the stores in a week when they realise they’ve been sold a pile of shite.

One store manager told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve had these shitty Sanyo tellies in our stockroom for months. I just haven’t been able to shift them. Luckily, some smart arse invented Black Friday which means I can sell all the shit I’ve been wanting to get rid of all year. We are prepared for the carnage we saw last year – we’ve got some of the boys down from Merthyr to sort out any troublemakers.”

One shopper said:

“I’ve got all my credit cards polished and good to go. I can’t wait to get my hands on a telly that doesn’t work.”

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TfW Rail change their name to WTF Rail

TfW Rail has changed its name to WTF Rail to reflect the recent cancellations and delays.

Transport for Wales said the new name change was inspired by feedback given to them by long-suffering commuters.

One commuter said:

“Last Thursday, a train turned up and whereas it’s usually formed of two carriages, it was only formed of one. Apparently, the other one was sold for scrap. We had 5,000 people trying to get on it and there was so little room that once we all go on, we were all jammed in and no one could get off. Then on Friday, whereas my usual train is formed of one carriage, this train was formed of no carriages at all. We were told that if we wanted to get to work, we’d have to go on a bus which got stuck in traffic.”

A spokesman for WTF Rail said:

“Following feedback from our commuters, we now think that our new name reflects the service that we provide. Now if you don’t mind, I need to tell my staff that they have no trains to drive today.”

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Fat passenger sues airline for sitting next to whinger

A fat air passenger is suing an airline for seating him next to a whinger.

Freddy ‘Fatboy’ Eightbellies is suing the airline for distress caused from 12 hours of non-stop whingeing.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“As soon as I sat my fat arse down, the guy next to me started moaning that the windows were too small. I laughed but then he went on to moan about that it was too hot. I told him to take his fleece off but then he went on moaning about how he had nowhere to store it. I put my headphones on to drown out the noise of him but on he went, moaning about everything on the plane. Jesus, he went on. He moaned when I sneezed, he moaned when I farted, he moaned about everything he could think of. By the end of the flight, I wanted to punch him in the tits. By the end of the flight, I was a quivering mess. When I got home, the first thing I did was speak to my solicitor. I’m suing them all I can get, which is probably about £230.”

The airline, which couldn’t be named said:

“Tough shit mate. Shit happens. Get a grip.”

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Prince Charles celebrates 70th birthday by getting shit-faced and eating slutty kebabs

Prince Charles is celebrating his birthday today by getting shit-faced and eating slutty kebabs.

The Prince of Wales has said that he intends seeing out his night by visiting Chippy Lane in Cardiff.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“One wants to get completely orf one’s tits tonight. It’s not very often that one reaches 70 years old and before one gets too over the hill, one wants to get completely shit-faced. One also fancies stuffing one’s face with slutty kebabs and waking up tomorrow with one hell of a hangover and hopefully some Valleys tart that’s up for some princely fun. One wants to see out the night in the Welsh capital and one hears that Chippy Lane is the place to go. Therefore, one will be requesting a royal helicopter to take one from wherever one is, to wherever one wants to go. One is the Prince of Wales and one can do whatever one wants.”

A spokeswoman for Highgrove House said:

“I’ve got no idea what he’s doing. He was smacked up to his tits by 5pm so I can’t see this ending well.”

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Welsh litter pickers ‘Keeping Wales Tidy by popping rubbish over Welsh border’

Litter pickers on the Welsh border with England have been accused of keeping Wales tidy by putting rubbish over the fence into England.

With the motto ‘Keeping Wales Tidy’ on their backs, litter pickers have been seen putting empty Freddo and Hula Hoop wrappers into English territory.

A spokesman for Keep England Tidy told WalesOnCraic:

“We were out picking up our litter on our side of the fence last week when we spotted our Welsh counterparts up ahead on their side of the fence. We gave each other a cheery wave and carried on about our business. I know I’d done this particular stretch of land because I’m a professional. But when we headed back to our cars for some cucumber sandwiches, I noticed that there was a Freddo wrapper on the ground. I was mortified so quickly picked it up and put it in my bag. A few steps along, I came across an empty Hula Hoop packet, barbeque beef flavour. I thought I was going mad. When I looked up, I could see the Welsh lads chucking stuff over the fence onto our side. I was livid.”

A spokesman for the Association of Welsh Litter Pickers said:

“We’ve heard this kind of rumour before. The fact is that this particular Freddo bar wrapper, along with the Hula Hoop wrapper, had been thrown over OUR side only a few minutes earlier by the English lads. We were simply placing them back in their country of origin.”

A mediator has been sent to the border to calm tensions.

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Schools to teach kids difference between ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’

Schools across Wales are to start teaching kids about homophones.

The news comes as incorrect usage of ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ reaches shit-busting proportions.

A spokesman for the Welsh Assembly said:

“I now that a lot of people struggle learning the difference between certain words that sounds the same. I went too school two learn about stuff and while I was they’re, I was able too pick up so many different skills. I would of stayed their longer but I failed some of my exams. I would of liked too have gone on two Uni but I didn’t want to take out a student lone. So I came too work for the Assembly and things have gone well since. I’ve got a nice company car and I get some nice tax rebates to.”

Helga VonStroppycow, Chairwoman of Welsh Headmistresses said:

“I welcome this knew initiative. I’d like to see it roled out across schools as quickly as possible.”

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Welsh obesity levels linked to ‘eating ‘shit’

A £3bn survey by the Welsh Assembly has discovered a link between obesity and eating shit.

The survey discovered that the more shit you eat, the bigger you become.

A spokesman for the Association of Large People in Wales said:

“Our work has taken 15 years to complete. We’ve been the breadth and the width of the country. We’ve asked at least 17 people what causes their obesity and in most cases, our respondents have told us that it’s because they are eating shit. We had one guy who ate fast food every day of his life and as a result, found out that he was allergic to vitamins and minerals. Our scientific studies have shown that the more shit people eat, the bigger they are going to become.”

One man who took part in the event said:

“I could have told you this years ago. But I find contentment in my food. Therefore, I’m a fat but happy bastard.”

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45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of women in the UK secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.

Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.

Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told WalesOnCraic:

“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”

One woman who didn’t want to be named said:

“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”