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Principality Stadium to tilt pitch 45° so England play uphill for entire game

Staff at the Principality Stadium are to tilt the pitch up to 45° in two weeks time so that the visiting English team have to play uphill for the entire match.

Staff discovered the secret button while cleaning the newly-installed pitch last week and will be using it in the crunch Six Nations game.

Head groundsman Gordon Mainwaring told WalesOnCraic:

“We had our reservations about this new pitch but when the contractors installed the pitch last a few years ago, they added a tilt feature so that they could clean underneath it. They’ve obviously forgotten to uninstall the feature so we’re going to be using it our advantage. We’ll be tilting the pitch up against the English for the first half and then the other way after half time.”

Fans have welcomed the move, especially since England will be arriving with their tails up.

Bryn Thundergut said:

“Oh aye there butt innit?”

Equally, English fans have been outraged to hear the news. Tarquin Smyth-Peacock said:

“One is outraged at such an outrage.”





Image: Andrew Bone

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Eddie Jones considering sales assistant job in Trago Mills

England coach Eddie Jones is considering taking up a position of sales assistant in Merthyr.

It follows England’s winning streak turning to shit and losing their fifth game in a row.

A spokesman for Mr Eddie told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s finding things tough at the moment. Obviously maintaining a winning run is a hard thing to do but it all seems to be going tits up at the moment. Eddie has spotted a job going at the local Trago Mills store in Merthyr and knowing Eddie, it’s a job he’d take on and turn into a winning position. For a while anyway. He’s had enough of the media getting on his back and he just wants a job where he can turn up, do his work and go home. He’s had enough of being in South Africa and fancies a bit of valleys life.”

A spokesman for Trago Mills said:

“We’ll take a look at his CV yeah but we’ve got the job lined up for Jordanna who currently works in the warehouse. We’ll see.”

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UK to give Elise Christie a group hug on her return from South Korea

The UK is to give speed skater Elise Christie a group hug when she returns home from the Winter Olympics.

Christe suffered at the games in North Korea and has even come away with a bardy ankle.

A spokesman for the Group Hug Association told WalesOnCraic:

“If anyone needs a hug right now, it’s going to be Elise Christie. The poor girl’s been working her blue arse off for years hoping to get us a medal. And through a bit of bad luck and a few split-second decisions, she’s coming home empty-handed. We’ll be waiting at the airport for her when she comes back and the whole of the UK is to join in a group hug to make her feel better. We will then whisk Christie back home where we will get her to put her slippers on and we’ll make her a hot chocolate. That’s what we are here for.”

Christie was hoping to win at least one medal but thanks to some pesky foreigners, it was not to be.

The Winter Olympics has never been the same since the retirement of Daley Thompson in 1992.

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John Inverdale ‘moist’ at the thought of talking about England for six weeks

BBC sports pundit John Inverdale is reported to be ‘moist’ at the thought of talking about England for six weeks, during the Six Nations tournament.

The dashingly handsome broadcaster says he is looking forward to talking about England, even when other teams are playing.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“This year’s tournament kicks off with Wales V Scotland, which is always a great, physical game, especially when England play. Wales will find things tough this year because World Cup winners England are in magnificent form. France and Ireland are the next teams to lock horns on the opening day which is good news for England because they can have a bit more of a rest before taking on Italy in Rome. Of course, England simply need to turn up to win that game, what with the Italians being all rubbish and that. England will naturally be the team to beat this year because they won the World Cup in 2003. Not sure if that means that they get pointy flags in the corners but it’s well worth mentioning, especially when the boring non-English games are on.”

A spokeswoman for the broadcaster said:

“I don’t know why you keep saying that John talks about England all the time. He is a seasoned professional who tries to give everyone a fair representation when comparing them to England. England. England. England.”

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Ben Woodburn shortlisted for World Player of the Year

Wales super substitute Ben Woodburn has been shortlisted for World Player of the Year by Welsh football fans.

Woodburn scored a decisive goal against Austria as the Welsh team took another stride towards winning the football World Cup.

One fan said:

“When he came on, all Austrians laughed because he looked so young. But they’re not laughing anymore are they? We’ve all voted Ben for the World Player of the Year because of his amazing goal tonight. If he comes to our town, he can go in any pub he wants, he can take home any girl he wants – he can do whatever he fancies. He is a hero to us.”

World Player of the Year spokesman Mario ThingyBob said:

“Welsh fans have flooded our hotline to vote for Ben Woodburn, even though this is not our usual protocol. He seems a popular player in Wales right now.”

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British and Irish Lions build reinforced nuclear bunkers for Ross Moriarty to smash into in training

British and Irish Lions management have built reinforced nuclear bunker concrete walls for Ross Moriarty to run through in training for the forthcoming tour of New Zealand.

Moriarty demolished an entire forest in training ahead of this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Training coach Dai Hard told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s hard as nails this guy. We did have a few Canadian Redwood trees on the paddock but he made short work of them. Luckily, we heard that a local nuclear bunker was being dismantled so we went down with a skip and nicked a few of their walls. It’s the only thing that will satisfy Moriarty’s love of smashing into things and destroying them.”

Armchair coach Jerry Fatarse was excited to hear the news. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I love watching Ross play. I think every one of the Welsh lads should play his style – run the fack into things very fast and to hell with the consequences. It’ll scare the shit out of the opposition.”

The British and Irish Lions kick off their tour of New Zealand in June. If you didn’t already know.

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Chris Coleman changes his chewing gum

Rumours have surfaced that Wales manager has changed his chewing gum.

Coleman has had the same chewing gum since taking over as Wales manager in 2012.

A spokesman said:

“We have received reports that Chris has changed his chewing gum. We cannot confirm or deny this rumour. We spoke with Chris before the Ireland game this evening and he said that he hadn’t changed his chewing gum. At the time, we had no reason to disbelieve him but someone somewhere said that they had seen him down the shop buying some new chewing gum. We then saw Chris opening a wrapper but we can’t confirm or deny if it was a new chewing gum. We therefore cannot confirm or deny whatever it is we were talking about.”

Chris Coleman’s chewing gum is actually an amalgamation of several chewing gums.

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England sneak lucky win over Scottish to win Six Nations again

England have pipped Scotland at Twickenham to win a second successive Six Nations title.

The All Whites now have two titles under their belts to make up for years of desolation and empty trophy cabinets.

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“Our cheps were top notch today, weren’t they old boy? They threw that jolly ball around like no-one’s business. The cheps thoroughly deserve the win – I’m just glad that they managed to sneak it at the end there because it was jolly close for a while. Now where are my cucumber sandwiches?”

Another English fan said:

“What are you on about? Sneaky lucky win? Hardly lucky! You Welsh are just sore losers – couldn’t even beat Scotland yourselves. We thoroughly deserve to win this title again because we’ve been the best team in the entire championship. We even won it with a week to go. What could your Welsh boys manage? A win over Italy and a lucky win over the Irish. I’ll say it again – sore losers! We all know that the Welsh only live to hate England. Turn that hatred into winning and you’ll maybe get somewhere.”

Chwarae Teg. We at WalesOnCraic would like to offer our genuine congratulations to England on their Six Nations title win.

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Principality Stadium staff to tilt pitch 45° this Saturday so England play uphill

Staff at the Principality Stadium are to tilt the pitch up to 45° this Saturday so that the visiting English team have to play uphill for the entire match.

Staff discovered the secret button while cleaning the newly-installed pitch last week. Head groundsman Gordon Grunt told WalesOnCraic:

“We had our reservations about this new pitch but when the contractors installed the pitch last year, they added a tilt feature so that they could clean underneath the it. They’ve obviously forgotten to uninstall the feature so we’re going to be using it our advantage. If the English start moaning about the roof like the Irish did, they can carry on. We’ll be tilting the pitch up against them for the first half and then the other way after half time.”

Fans have welcomed the move, especially since England will be arriving with their tails up. Bryn Thundergut said:

“Oh aye there butt innit?”

Equally, English fans have been outraged to hear the news. English fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock said:

“It’s a jolly outrage.”