Miscellaneous bollocks

Who’s got the biggest todgers in Wales?

Well here is what we have all secretly been waiting for – a ranking of men’s wang sizes in Wales compiled by WoC with the help of a measuring tape, a magnifying glass and a pair of thick asbestos gloves.

Out of the 80 towns and cities we researched in Wales, the average gash mallet size came out at a mega whopping 3.5 inches. Dowlais in Merthyr was the most well hung place at 9.36 inches. (that’s why Dowlais women are known to be the happiest women in…erm…Dowlais especially if you buy them a kebab after). While Wattstown in the Rhondda, at 3.1 inches, takes home the booby (or small prick) prize. The moral of the story – don’t do steroids! But don’t worry Wattstown – the little men of Newport didn’t even reach the national average and found themselves in the same division as midgets, elves and Russell Crowe. No wonder Newport women are so attracted to foreign men coming over the bridge from Bristol or Welshpool. Here are some notable findings from our study at WOC:

  • The proper way to measure is from tip of the poking stick to the very bottom of the pubic bone not from your shin to tip of the penis plus your thumb.
  • The global average size of a one-eyed demon is 5.2 inches. Welsh average is 3.5 inches. English average is 2.8 inches on a good day! (and as the song goes – as long as we beat the English, we don’t care!).
  • Like we mentioned the most well hung place in our study was Top Dowlais in Merthyr (aka Big-Knobville), with an average of 9.36 inches. Followed by Holyhead (or knobhead for short) at 8.11, Aberporth at 6.66, and Ewloe at 5.99.
  • On average, Bala in North Wales was the town where all the men including the Mayoress and her cat called Eric had two working penises each (but they were both on the small side and they had no balls).
  • The men of the Rhondda Valley have the smallest magic wands at 2.1inches but they have massive arms and triceps. Others with small ones were Hay-on-Wye at 2.2, Neath at 2.2345 recurring, and Queensferry at 2.66 and a bi
  • The men of St Davids in West Wales have cock most shaped like vegetables.
  • The bearded bike lesbians of Ely of Cardiff came out number 17 on the biggest mutton daggers in Wales poll beating proper men from Swansea, Abergavenny and all of West Wales.
  • The thickest shafts belonged to the merry men of Rhyl. Who’s womb ferrets are actually thicker than the length of their stump but still not as thick as their heads.
  • Only 3 percent of men worldwide are over 8 inches. In Wales only Terry ‘The Impaler’ Williams of 1A Roberts Street in Bridgend has a loaded gun over 8 inches long. But alas girls don’t get too excited – Terry is 94% gay and 6% donkey. But alas gay men don’t get all excited and erect just yet – Terry is in a loving relationship with a weatherman.
  • The men with tiny penises but tongues like anteaters were the oral sex givers of Newtown along with of course the bearded bike lesbians of Ely.

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