US to arm dogs to shoot their way out of overhead lockers

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The United States has pushed through emergency legislation to arm dogs with assault rifles.

The legislation was pushed through late last night after it emerged that a dog died after being placed in an overhead locker on a plane.

A spokesman for the White House said:

“We need to protect our dogs and our dogs need to protect themselves. We have pushed through this emergency legislation because we feel that our dogs would be safer if they were armed to the teeth with assault-style weapons. Should they find themselves locked in an overhead locker again, all they need to do is shoot their way out like they do in the films. It’s our right to bear arms and it’s also our dogs’ rights to bear arms. We will not discuss this any further.”

One dog owner said:

“S’up yikkety yaw? Sure my dawg wants a gun. Yeehah. Praise be to the Lord Almighty Himself, god damn, son-of-a-bitch.”