Tories to provide silver spoons for party donors’ newborns

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The Conservative Party have announced that they will provide free silver spoons for newborns of their donors.

The party said that they would fund the new scheme by stopping state pensions and heating allowances for the elderly.

Spokesman Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“The world is a very unstable place at the moment. We need to look after our own which is why we are offering free silver spoons to newborns of all our supporters, especially those who donate vast amounts of money to our party. Now is not a time to worry about the weak and sick in society. If you watch any nature programme, you will find that life really is about the survival of the fittest. We will therefore be funding our new scheme by taking away and help for pensioners. They are a blight on our society and we will all be better off without them quite frankly.”

The Tories have already insisted that they will be taking free school meals away from children.

“Who needs food?” said Smythe-Peacock. “It’s very over-rated these days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the party banquet. Ciao.”