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Boris Johnson considering part-time sales assistant role at Trago Mills

Former Foreign Minister Boris ‘Boris’ Johnson has told the cabinet that he’s considering taking up a part-time sales position at Trago Mills.

Boris said he wants a job that he can’t fuck up too much.

A spokesman for Mr Davis said:

“As you can imagine, Boris has had a torrid few years since he was appointed as Foreign Minister. Every day has been sheer hell and he now wants a job that where he has limited responsibility and that he doesn’t have to think about around the clock. He wants to do his work, finish his shift and come home and watch box sets of Hi-De-Hi, or another comedy of similar ilk. He’s spotted a part-time sales assistant at Trago Mills and has forwarded his CV for inclusion in the next round of interviews.”

Boris resigned from his role as Foreign Minister, saying that it’d all gone to shit.

Trago Mills said that it’d look at Mr Johnson’s CV and put it on file in case any vacancies came up in the future.

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BREAKING NEWS: Ginger man spontaneously combusts in Cardiff street

A redheaded man has spontaneously combusted in a Cardiff street.

Darren Gingerballs disappeared in a puff of ginger sparkles and dust.

An eye-witness told WalesOnCraic:

“This guy was walking towards me and he looked pretty hot as though he’d been in the sun far too long. All of a sudden, there was a big puff sound and when I looked, there he was – gone. All that was left was a ginger cloud and a pair of his shoes. I didn’t know what to do so for a few minutes but I eventually called the police and they said that there was nothing that they could do either so I went and had some breakfast. I had sausage and egg and some toast. I would have had the bacon but I was told last night that it’s not particularly good for me. I had coffee with my breakfast.”

Police have warned gingers of the dangers of going outside in the day time.

“If they’re going to go out in the sun, they can expect this kind of thing to happen.”

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David Davis considering part-time sales assistant position at Trago Mills

Former Bexit minister David ‘David’ Davis has told the cabinet that he’s considering taking up a part-time sales position at Trago Mills.

Davis said he wants a job that he can’t fuck up too much.

A spokesman for Mr Davis said:

“As you can imagine, Dave has had a torrid few years since he was appointed Minister for Brexit. Every day has been sheer hell and he now wants a job that where he has limited responsibility and that he doesn’t have to think about around the clock. He wants to do his work, finish his shift and come home and watch box sets of Hi-De-Hi, or another comedy of similar ilk. He’s spotted a part-time sales assistant at Trago Mills and has forwarded his CV for inclusion in the next round of interviews.”

Davis resigned from his role as Brexit Minister, saying that it’d all gone to shit.

Trago Mills said that it’d look at Mr Davis’ CV and put it on file in case any vacancies came up in the future.

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Heatwave to end the day kids break up for school holidays

The current summer heatwave is set to end when the kids break up from school.

Shitty weather will move in for the 6 weeks that the kids are off before clement weather moves back in once they’re back at school.

A spokesman for the Weather Office said:

“We’ve all been getting sick of this frigging heatwave but the good news is that there is an end in sight. Our current charts are showing an area of low pressure that will move into Wales. Current predictions are telling us that this will reach Wales the day that the kids break up. There then appears to be a long stretch of shitty, rainy weather that will probably last the entire six weeks of the school holidays. Then the sun will come back again when they’ve all gone back.”

Members of the public are getting agitated that the Government is doing nothing to stop the heatwave.

“They collect my bins and that’s all they do. Why should I continue paying my Council Tax?”

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Queen planning on pulling a sickie when Trump visits

The Queen is planning to pull a sickie when President Trump visits next month.

Sources close to the Palace say that she’s going to say that she’s got the screaming shits to avoid having to spend time with Mr Trump.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“The Queen has been very busy opening fetes and leisure centres these last few weeks and the last thing that one wants is to sit through banquets with the insufferable Mr Trump. Ma’am has already started sowing the seeds of her sickie by complaining of tummy cramps and one will escalate these during the next few days so that when the Supreme Leader arrives in the UK, she’ll be complaining of having the screaming abdabs. She’ll be hoping to sit in and watch Loose Women for most of the day while Trump is here.”

A spokeswoman for the White House said:

“Did you see the size of the crowds at Trump’s inauguration? Jeez? I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people. There were literally like billions of people there. Period.”

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Supermarkets recall burger products after fears that they may contain real meat

Supermarkets across Wales have recalled dozens of burger products that could contain actual meat.

Products that have been recalled include Mrs Goggins’ Arsehole Burgers, Green Valley Eyeball Burgers and Fat Boy Double ‘Gristle N’ Cyst’ Burgers.

A spokesman for the burger industry said:

“We’re not usually fussy about what goes into our burgers but we’ve put out an urgent call on these as we can’t afford to go putting real meat in them. We’d rather get away with selling the bits of dead animal that no one thought we could make money from. We urge anyone who has bought any of the affected products to take them back to the supermarket where they bought them from. Should they already be semi-digested, please bring those in too as we can reuse those in some of our other products.”

One burger eater said that he felt funny after eating on of Mrs Goggin’s Arsehole Burgers:

“There was a strong taste of antibiotics and hormones and you don’t normally get those in an arsehole burger. I’ve gone to the hospital just to make sure that I’m ok.”

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Today’s forecast: 100% chance of boob sweat

Wales is expected to swelter in another very warm day today, bringing with it a 100% chance of boob sweat.

Boob sweat has become a real issue for some women, and men who eat too much shit.

A spokesman for the Sweaty Boob Society told WalesOnCraic:

“This heatwave has created a boob sweat epidemic. We haven’t seen levels like this since the ’70s. Supplies of underboob deodorant have virtually dried up so we’re all in this together. Looking at the forecast, it’s also unlikely that there is an end in sight too, since this heatwave looks like it’s going to go on for months and months. Here at the Sweaty Boob Society, we are giving out leaflets to advise people on what to do if they are suffering from excessive boob sweat. We are advising people to send in photographs of their sweaty boobs so that we can analyse them on the best course of action.”

Temperatures topped 5 billion degrees yesterday in Wales and one ginger person spontaneously exploded outside Iceland on Saturday.

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Heatwave turning motorists into angry cockwombles

The current heatwave is turning motorists into angry cockwombles at an alarming rate.

That’s the view of Welsh Automobile Thingybob Club’s Alan Gunt, who got twatted in the face today at some red lights.

Alun told WalesOnCraic:

“This heatwave is making everyone agitated, especially on our roads. Only this afternoon, I was sat in my car at some red lights when this woman pulled up alongside me and started screaming that she was too hot. I wound up my window so that I didn’t have to listen to her but before I knew it, she’d gotten out of her car, opened my door and twatted me in the face. I wouldn’t have minded but I’d just put on my Zippo the Clown makeup as I was heading to a children’s party. I do it most weekends but today was a special day because it was for one of my love childs.”

Motorists are being told to take a big breath and count to 10 before sparking out other drivers.

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Trump: We’re gonna land a man on the sun

Supreme Leader Donald Trump has told reporters that American is going to be the first country to land a man on the sun.

He said that he hopes to land a man on the sun, and bring him back again, by the end of the decade.

He told waiting press-type people:

“We choose to go to the sun! We choose to go to the Sun in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too.”

He added:

“By the way, this speech is likely to get the bestest ratings Donald Trump has ever done. Bigly.”

Trump’s scientists will begin the project this morning after watching Fox and Friends.

“We’ve been told that we can’t go to the sun because it’s too hot and bright but we are going to send our men there at night time because it’ll be darker and cooler then.”

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Woman grants husband permission to turn the heating off

A woman from Cardiff has granted permission to turn the heating off.

Glenda Thunderkegs has had the heating on since August last year when the temperature dropped under 30°C.

Husband Terry told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been sweating my bollocks off like no one’s business. I just don’t understand my wife. We’ve had this heatwave now for a good few weeks and she’s still moaning that she’s cold. As well as having the heating on, she’s been wearing three cardys, one on top of the other. It was only last night when she felt ‘just about right’ that she gave me permission to turn the heating off. I was at the switch in a flash and things feel a bit better this morning.”

Glenda said:

“He’s always moaning about how hot the house is but I feels the cold see? I feels it in my bones. It’s not my fault. My mum’s the same. I blame her for a lot of things. Every time I sneeze, I fart, and I gets that from my mother too.”

Glenda is hoping to put heating back on next week when the heatwave cools off a little.