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Here’s how to see tonight’s lunar eclipse

Tonight the moon will turn red in honour of Geraint Thomas, who currently leads the Tour De France. But how do you see it?

Experts have given their best advice to WalesOnCraic:

“Your best bet is to look up at the sky. That’s where the moon is traditionally located. If it’s going to do weird shit, that’s the best place to look.”
Dr Timmy CleverClogs, Cardiff University

“If I wanted to see the lunar eclipse, I’d look up at the moon. It’s up there in the sky. If you are outside, you simply tilt your head to look up. If you are inside, look out of the window.”
Prof Sheila Smartarse, NASA

“The best way to look at the lunar eclipse is to look at the lunar eclipse.”
Dr JR Hartley, University of West Bollocks and Fly-Fishing

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Welsh Space Agency to send sheep to space

The Welsh Space Agency is to launch a sheep into space within the year.

The agency hopes to put Brenda the sheep into orbit and bring her back to earth safely.

Brian Bigwiggins of the WSA told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s always been a dream of ours to put a live entity into orbit. We were hoping to do it with Piers Morgan but we don’t yet have the technology to do that. Instead, we’re going to get a scruffy sheep, stick it on top of a rocket and fire the thing into space. We’re hoping to catch the wind right so that we get it on the right trajectory and with a bit of luck, we’ll have our sheep in orbit for one day. We’ll then tell the sheep to press a big red button via our walkie-talkie. Once she presses the red button, it’ll cut out the engines and she’ll fall back to earth. We’ve got a bit net to catch her.”

Brenda said she was very excited about going to space:

“All I’ve ever done in my life is stand around eating grass so this will be a welcome distraction from the routine. I look forward to it.”

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Aldi open till 4pm tomorrow

Aldi stores across the UK will be open tomorrow as usual, closing at their usual time of 4pm.

The stores were due to close early if England got through to the World Cup Final, but they didn’t.

A spokesman for Aldi said:

“Yeah. We was hoping for an early afternoon but we’ve got to work now which is a bit of a shame. I stack shelves myself which is ok but I wish I’d worked harder in school. I did have dreams of running my own business but my wife talked me out of that so I now work night shifts. It would have been nice to have the afternoon off but there we go – you can’t have everything can you? As it is, I work nights now and I only get to see my wife in the mornings. She’s always tired in the mornings – she must not be able to sleep very well I think.”

England played Belgium on Saturday for the third place playoff instead.

“It’s like meeting an ex,” said one of the players.

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New Welsh news website launched for ‘Slow News Days’

Wales will be getting its own new news website specifically designed for slow news days.

The site will publish loads of click bait and crap that no one cares about.

Editor Matthew Dunce told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been keeping an eye on your crappy website and feel that we can do better. We’d like to fill people’s social media pages with stuff that really isn’t very interesting or relevant to Wales in any way. We’ll also cram it full of adverts and surveys that people have to wade through to get to the stuff that they don’t want to read. That way, we can make a bit of money to pay for the writers to produce features that will go unread. WalesOnCraic has been doing this for many years now and it’s all getting a bit boring to be honest. You even keep republishing some of the shit you originally published years ago. We’d like to do better than that by posting fresh, new shit every day.”

The new site will also contain typos and grammatical errors, just to annoy the Grammar Police. The new site launches on Monday, after Coronation Street.

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Plenty of waistcoats on sale in Wales

Retailers have announced that Wales has an abundance of waistcoats on sale.

Shops have told WalesOnCraic that they have shitloads of waistcoats left on sale in Wales.

One shop owner told WalesOnCraic:

“I don’t see what the big fuss is in the news. We’ve got shitloads of waistcoats left. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had anyone in buying a waistcoat since April when I had a guy in who was going to a wedding.”

Waistcoats in England are now selling on the black market, with some football fans resorting to cutting off the sleeves of their favourite jackets to look like Gareth Southgate.

One England fan said:

“Enger-land. Enger-land. Who’s going to score one more goal than yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuu…..Enger-land.”

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Thunderthtorms on their way to Wales

Huge, massive thunderstorms are on their way and will reach Welsh shores on Friday.

Everyone in Wales is being told to wear wellies in case they get struck by lightning.

A spokeswoman from the Weather Centre told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re gonna be yuge. They’re gonna be mathive. You won’t have theen anything like thith in all the world. Ever. And that’th a fact. It ith true however that thethe thunderthtorms will be few and far between tho don’t go getting your hopth up and all that. We predicted the end of the world a few weekth ago and nothing happened.”

Weather people say that Friday’s storms will probably miss most people in Wales, but wanted to put out an Weather Warning as they had nothing else to do.

“We were getting bored after all this hot weather so we thought we’d invent a Weather Warning,” said one.

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New species of Welsh dragon discovered in cave

A new species of dragon has been discovered in a Welsh cave.

The new dragon is only 3 inches long and can be fitted inside a matchbox.

Dragon expert Neil Hotbreath told WalesOnCraic:

“This new dragon is unlike any we’ve seen here before in Wales. We’re all used to the big red ones flying around and destroying villages but these new ones are very small and very delicate. We’re not sure what to call them yet. We were going to give it the name of the person who found him but he’s called Jeremy and that’s a stupid name. We’ll think of something nicer to call instead like ‘Small Dragon’. That seems to suit it better.”

Scientists found a whole flock of dragons living in the cave.

“There’s loads of them here. We thought that they were bats at first but when Jeremy went to catch one, he had his fingers burnt to a crisp so we realised that they were dragons.”

Scientists have now sealed off the cave to stop tourists from going in and stealing them.

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PROVEN: Welsh dogs bark with Welsh accents

Scientists have proved that Welsh dogs bark with a Welsh accent.

Dogs in the Welsh valleys add an ‘Uh’ sound to every bark while their counterparts up north sound as if they’re coughing up flob.

Scientist Billy TwoPorches told WalesOnCraic:

“Our scientific study took one dog – one from Troed-y-Rhiw in Merthyr, and another from Caernarfon. We put them both in a house and got a postman to come round and deliver some letters. As soon as the postman was within earshot of the house, the dog from Merthyr started barking with a definite ‘Uh’ sound after each bark. He’d say ‘Woofa’. Meanwhile, the dog from Caernarfon barked with a very distinct ‘back of the throat’ sound. Thus we concluded that Welsh dogs bark with a Welsh accent.”

Critics of the study have pointed out that the study proved naff all.

“What the hell was that all about? This is just a very poor excuse for a news story to get likes on Facebook. Shame on you – you don’t deserve any.”

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NHS throws huge party to congratulate Hunt as new Foreign Secretary

The UK’s National Health Service has thrown a huge party to celebrate Jeremy Hunt becoming the new Foreign Secretary.

Doctors and nurses have been spotted cracking opening champagne and dancing in the corridors at the news.

One doctor told WalesOnCraic:

“We are so happy that he has this job. We are so, so happy. As soon as we heard the news, we were getting the beers and alcohol in. We’ve been dancing around the place all day.”

Hunt took over as new Home Secretary after blond bombshell Boris handed in his notice and went on the run. He is reported to be in France with David Cameron, with his trotters up. Jeremy Hunt starts his new job on Monday and has planned to cause chaos from day one.”

“I’m so excited to get my hands on something new to play with,” he told reporters.

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Johnson and Davis to enter the Love Island villa tomorrow

Former cabinet ministers Boris Johnson and David Davis will appear at the Love Island villa tomorrow night.

Contestants have been told that two love gods are due to arrive imminently.

A spokesman for the show told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been planning this for months. Brexit was never intended to take place – everything that’s happened in the Government has led us to this point. The girls in the villa have been told that they can expect two love gods to come into the house tomorrow.”

The arrival of the pair is sure to mix things up in the villa as some of the lads are trying to cop off with some of the girls and some of the girls are lying and getting upset that some of the lads are kissing other people.

“I’ve got no idea what I’m doing but it sounds like jolly good fun,” said Mr Johnson.