Posted on

Alpine pop man reintroduced to parts of Wales for Christmas

The Alpine pop man has been reintroduced to parts of Wales in time for Christmas.

Lorries will be out delivering bottles of Orangeade, Limeade, Lemonade, Cola, Cherryade and of course Dandelion and Burdock.

New driver Terry TrebleChin told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m delighted to be one of the new breed of Alpine pop men. I’ve been given a shiny new yellow lorry, which is hard to say when you’re pissed, and I’ll be out dropping off Christmas deliveries from next week. The best thing of all is that I’ll be given free bottles to take home to my family on Christmas Eve which will be great for mixing with my bottles of QC. The only problem I foresee is the kids getting hyper on all those E colourings. These drinks glow in the dark.”

Alpine have declined to say which parts of Wales that the new routes will take.

Manager Keith Fizzytits said:

“We don’t want to be inundated with requests for Orangeade so we’re keeping things under wraps for now.”

Posted on

Woman files for divorce after hubbie leaves crumbs on kitchen worktop

A woman from Doncaster has filed for divorce after her husband left crumbs on their kitchen worktop for the second time in week.

Lazy-arsed hubbie Donald Thundergunt was reprimanded just three days ago after helping himself to a donut and leaving sugar granules on the worktop.

His wife Sheila told Ewes of the World:

“After Donutgate, I thought we’d heard the end of it but the lazy shit helped himself to some toast and Marmite last night and left crumbs all over the place. It was as if he’d gone into a crumb factory, brought all the crumbs home, and scattered them across my worktop just to annoy me. As soon as I saw them, I went straight to my solicitors and asked for a divorce. I can’t live my life putting up with it. I want a man who can make toast and NOT leave crumbs on the worktop.”

Donald tried to defend himself, saying:

“It wasn’t my fault. Those crumbs just fall off the toast like no-one’s business, especially when I’m trying to get them out of the bloody toaster.”

Donald is currently staying with his sister in Stainforth where he is annoying her by leaving crumbs all over her kitchen worktop.

Posted on

Samaritans call in extra staff to deal with last night’s Planet Earth II’s turtle story

The Samaritans have called in extra staff after to deal with last night’s Planet Earth II’s turtle story.

The programme showed baby turtles heading for the nightclubs instead of the sea and getting stuck in drains.

A spokesman from the Samaritans said:

“It’s very much like watching a night out up the valleys. They emerge from their warm cosy homes intent on having a good time, yet get distracted by the lights and lure of the clubs and it all ends in disaster. We’ve been inundated with calls about these bloody turtles so we’ve had to call in more staff to deal with it. I’ll be phoning Attenborough myself to ask why his cameramen and women didn’t help those poor turtles out of those drains. They could have even ushered them across that busy road instead of just standing their filming them.”

One viewer, who was too distressed to speak, said:

“It was awful. I felt so sorry for those little animals. And did you see those poor baby pigs getting taken by the leopard? Oh my god. That was the end of me. I had to go and have a bacon buttie to cheer myself up.”

Posted on

Circling things in the Christmas Radio Times to be taught in schools

The long-forgotten art of circling TV shows in the Christmas Radio Times is to be introduced to schools.

The Welsh Assembly say that Christmas has lost its significance with the demise of paper-based festive TV planning.

A spokeswoman told WalesOnCraic:

“When we were kids, getting the Radio Times meant that Christmas had truly arrived. People these days think that it’s all about going to church and that but the truth is that circling things in the Radio Times IS the real story of Christmas. We are introducing these classes to bring back the lost art of picking things out to watch over the festive period. They will learn the art of going to Rumbelows and buying a 5 pack of 1 hour VHS tapes, loading them into the machine and setting them to record the thing they’ve circled. We think kids these days have things far too easy and we’d like to remind them of how hard we had it.”

One pupil who will be taking the classes said:

“Noel’s House Party? What the frig’s that all about then? And who is Noel?”

Posted on

Arriva Train passengers told to ‘lose weight’ to ease overcrowding

Passengers on beleaguered Arriva Trains services have been told to ‘lose weight’ to help ease the problem of overcrowding.

Tina LargeCalves of the Welsh Rail Transport Union suggested that passengers are to blame for the overcrowding problem.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“You see them all staggering up the stairs onto the platform, mouths full of mince pies and a hamburger in the other. They then get onto our trains and expect us to have room for them. I suggest that our trains are capable of transporting the allocated number of passengers on its licence. However, when all these passengers are lazy lardarses, one cannot expect to fit them all in. I blame the government for this problem. They’re always saying that we should travel more by public transport yet we are not equipped to shuttle round a load of fatties.”

They’re always saying that we should travel more by public transport yet we are not equipped to shuttle round a load of fatties.”

One commuter said:

“I don’t even have time for breakfast in my house so I don’t know what this woman is talking about. While it is true that there are some smelly people on the trains in the mornings, this is not because they’re overweight. It’s just they haven’t washed before coming to work. Coming home is even worse.”

Posted on

Welsh builder says he can do Buckingham Palace for £200 cash

A builder from Caerphilly has announced that he can do Buckingham Palace for £200 cash.

Dai the Paint provided the Queen with a free, no-obligation quote, and added that she should never settle for the first quote she gets.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“She’s daft going with her first quite, mun. She needs to do a bit of shopping around before she signs anything. I’m a time-served builder and I can turn my hand to anything. I do anything from fixing a broken tap to building you a loft conversion. I’ve told the Queen that I can do it for £200 cash. She can’t turn that offer down now can she?”

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said:

“Our first quote for £370 million did tighten the scrotum somewhat when it came through. But then we remembered that we won’t actually be paying for it so we went with it. Dai is welcome to provide us with a quote but in all honesty, it’s not coming out of our pockets as such so it’ll probably go straight in the bin.”

Posted on

Cardiff Council’s £30k Christmas tree finally arrives – and it looks like a giant butt plug

Cardiff Council’s new Christmas tree has finally arrived from China but critics are already likening its appearance to a giant butt plug.

The Council decided to ‘hire’ a fake tree following a complaint that last year’s real tree was a little lopsided.

A spokesman said:

“We love to waste money. If we’re not busy building bus lanes that helps people crash into each other, we like to spend £30k on a pretend tree to make the person who complained last year happy. We’ve brought this new tree in and while it’s true that it does have the appearance of a giant butt plug, it does not mean that easy women and a certain amount of lads can go sitting on it. Our tree is for all people to enjoy and best of all – it’s symmetrical all the way around.”

Fiona Largeflaps from Newport said:

“I’ve got one of these at home in my bottom drawer. I won’t be sticking flashing lights on it mind so I’m not sure what the Council have in mind.”

Posted on

A470 road workers complete 3 month mannequin challenge

Road workers on the A470 have completed a record-breaking three month mannequin challenge.

Some workers sat motionless in their digger cabs while others stood looking at their mobile phones for more than 12 weeks.

One worker told WalesOnCraic:

“We were miles ahead of the competition by miles. We started the mannequin challenge 3 months ago when I was nominated by some dickhead on Facebook. I told all my butties on the job that I was doing it so they all thought they’d join in with me. We stood around in our places 3 months ago and stayed exactly where were were then for 3 months innit?”

One road user said:

“There was one guy in particular who was stood perfectly motionless with his phone in his hand. I had to pull over and poke him to see if he was real. He was real because he’d just eaten a packet of Monster Munch and I could smell the pickled onion flavour on him.”

Road workers across Wales have been taking on the mannequin challenge which has no benefit whatsoever.

Posted on

Kwik Save Christmas advert fails to melt hearts

Kwik Save’s long-awaited Christmas advert has failed to make an impact on TV viewers.

The advert features a cow called Boxer, who gets jealous when all the other animals bounce on a new trampoline in his field.

Advertising executive Timmy Tinytoes told WalesOnCraic:

“Our advert hasn’t quite had the impact that we were hoping for. We thought we’d go down the animal route this year so we brought a few cows in, stuck a trampoline in a field and waited to see what happened. Sadly, one cow called Boxer got his fat arse on the trampoline and broke the bloody thing and that was the end of that.”

Boxer added:

“I was stuck in the barn and I could see all the other animals out there enjoying themselves. All I wanted was a little bounce but I’ve obviously eaten too many burgers and I broke. It’s nice to be famous but not nice to be famous for being a fat cow.”

Posted on

Santa threatens to boycott South Wales valleys this Christmas to ensure personal safety

Santa Claus has threatened to bypass the South Wales valleys this year unless drastic measures are taken to safeguard his personal safety.

He has declared The Gurnos, Penrhys, Peny Waun and Ebbw Vale have all been declared no-go areas after last year’s fiasco.

His missis, Mrs Christmas exclusively told WalesOnCraic:

“Thousands of children would be let down if the fat bastard doesn’t get there this year. But we can’t have a repeat of last year. He came home on Christmas morning with a broken nose, no wheels on his sleigh and a severe dose of the clap. I was facking furious. Not only did he have the greenest bell end in Lapland, he also came home stinking of booze. I also found a wrap of speed in his Santa Suit.”

Santa dismissed his wife’s claims, telling WalesOnCraic:

“Look lads. The last thing I remember is going down the chimney in the Gurnos Club. And let us just say the rest is history.”

Santa’s elves and reindeers have also threatened to boycott Christmas if they’re made to go back to the valleys. Last year a young girl from Bargoed kicked Rudolf in the bollocks and Santa’s chief Elf got kidnapped in Abercynon. He ended up starring in a Welsh porn movie called ‘Santas Little Eight-Inched Helper’. Other elves have demanded bullet-proof vests, baseball bats and pepper spray.

WalesOnCraic went onto the streets of the Valleys to ask the public what they thought of Santa Clause boycotting Christmas:

“I don’t facking blame him. I wouldn’t walk round here in the dark. And fack me, those boys who drink in the Griffin got redder noses than Rudolf.” Terry Shin (Rhydfelin)

“Santa hasn’t been round these parts since the kids set fire to his sleigh and by the way, I’d just like to tell all those slags from Cwmdare – It’s ‘I saw Mammy kissing Santa Clause’, not ‘I saw Mammy sucking Santa Clause’. Whores.” Dai Hump (Penywaun)

“I don’t believe in him anymore. The boys down the pub said he ain’t real. I always wondered why the ungrateful bastard never ate my mince pies.” Brian Brownfinger, (Tredegar)