Fun Stuff

Shit Advisor: Swansea edition

Wales’s second city, although its inhabitants would have you believe otherwise. The name Swansea is thought to come from a Viking background, although the chances of finding anyone who is pale-skinned and blonde is remote. Those who live there are more likely to look like David Dickinson due to the copious number of tanning salons populating all areas of the city.

Swansea Bay Beach
At high tide, the area that stretches from the affluent Mumbles area in the West (more on that in a minute) to the mouth of the River Tawe in the East can look picturesque. However, despite what the Met Office will have us believe about tide times, the sea always seems at least half a mile out. Now, if this meant glorious golden sand being left behind then fair enough, but the resulting sludge which bears a passing resemblance to my toilet after a dodgy curry is less than impressive. Add to this the alcoholics, druggies and down and outs who congregate on the seas defences behind the council offices and it isn’t quite as much of a draw to the city as some may think.

Wind Street
The infamous Wind Street seems to attract a wide range of social classes and I myself have forced myself to frequent the drinking establishments here in order to feel like I belong in the city. From city workers to the unemployed spending their benefits, rugby players to valley commandos looking for something different, Wind Street is a ticking time bomb. Think chav, think steroids, think fake bake, think spice boy, Saturday night it’s a ticking time bomb that the police just love. Add to that the ever-popular ‘Condom Alley’, the red light district that runs parallel to Wind Street and it really is the place to be.
Brownie Shytles

Chav Cruisers
The opportunity to cruise in a car that sounds more like a hairdryer than something to actually be proud of is slightly less prevalent these days. With the development of the Kingsway, any wannabe Lewis Hamiltons are likely to find buses in their way rather than the straight road of yesteryear that was their catwalk. This has driven many of them to the car parks of the local supermarkets. A short 5 minute drive from the city centre to Llansamlet provides a Tesco and Asda where the local yoofs who passed their test last week and 30 somethings that should know better meet up, park alongside each other and create a carbon footprint that the USA would be proud of.
Crispin Bumgartner

The area is believed to be rough by Swansea standards. Those who live there will deny this, but start typing Townhill into Google and auto-complete will add ‘rough area’ into your search! 100% of those who live there are against Brexit due to the fact that over the years, Townhill has received £14 million in EU funding. Locals say that this funding has helped Townhill become the place it is today! I dread to think what it would be like otherwise. Nondeal Brexit my arse! About the only positive to come from the area was Tango’s parody video of the Sony Bravia advert a few years ago. Those of you not familiar with it should note that rolling a few tonnes of fruit down one of the UK’s steepest streets actually made the place look better.
B.J. Cobbledick

Beaujolais Day
Having recently visited Swansea, I knew that Beaujolais Day was a thing but didn’t realise how much the city had adopted it. Bloody ridiculous if you ask me that a group of people, most of whom don’t even know what Beaujolais is, less so where it comes from have to dress in clothes that they think are fashionable but I guarantee they won’t wear for the rest of the year.
Dixie Nomouse

I lived in Swansea as a child before moving away before I became too depressed. I was a regular at the old leisure centre and was amazed when I recently returned to see the new LC2. It’s a fantastic facility but with the end of the old waterslides went not only an era, but a rumour that most visitors knew about. The old centre had a Waterslide that started inside the building, briefly went outside during which time your ass froze before returning inside. That same slide was reported to have caused injury when a local decided to stick a razor blade to the middle of the slide which then sliced open their bum cheek! Now I can’t vouch for the rumour being true, but when I was a kid, Wilkinson Sword were a bargain in Superdrug.
Minty McSucker

get your will done

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