Seagulls across the UK have been put on the official list of recognised terrorists.
Gulls have been nicking people’s chips, divebombing local residents and eating whole rabbits.
A spokesman for the government said:
“Boris is keen to show strength against the new wave of terror that is blighting our country. We’ve heard reports of gulls hanging around in packs and attacking people for no apparent reason. We had one woman who was eating a carvery in her local pub when a group of seagulls waddled in and demanded her food at gunpoint. We can’t have this kind of thing going on in our country. We are a democracy and if I could get my hands on those little blighters, I’d wring their necks until their webbed feet popped off.”
There have been numerous reports of seagulls holding up trains, taking pigeons hostage and even kidnapping a postman.
“We’re not having it,” said the spokesman. “Now who wants a bag of chips?”