Samaritans Put On Stand-By As Morrissey Announces Cardiff Gig

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The Samaritans have been put on high alert after it was announced that Morrissey is due to play in Wales this spring.

The miserable twat of a singer, who counts punching himself in the face as a hobby, is due to play the Motorpoint Arena in Cardiff this March. But the confidential hotline for distressed people has been placed on standby for both before and after the gig.

Smiths lover Janet GreenTeeth told WalesOnCraic:

“I can’t wait to see him so he can tell us all how much he hates us. I hate him too but in a love kind of way. I can’t wait to hear him warble on the same note throughout the entire concert – it’s what we love about him.”

But Samaritans worker Glen Smiley said:

“We’ve had to recruit extra staff after hearing the news that Morrissey is on his way to Wales. We’re opening 400 new telephone lines and we’ll also be down outside the Motorpoint offering people hugs afterwards. We’re expecting to see lots of people who still live in the 80s down there so we’ve put on a bus back to Ferndale especially.”